In The Garden
by zxxyxxz
Summary: The war is over but some are left at a loss of how to move on. In the garden built as a memorial to the conflict with Voldemort a very unlikely friendship begins.
1. Figures At One O'clock

**Authors Note**

**This story is set a few years after the war when Hermione is about to turn twenty one.**

**I apologise for the length of this note however it will be the only I will post so maybe I can forgiven. This is a Lumione and it is fan fiction this although it follows cannon until the epilogue it is never going to end exactly like the books, people who cannot or will not accept this should perhaps for the good of themselves, me and the rest of the good people of fanfic land stop reading this story. **

**For me fan fiction is a nice way for us to explore different themes and adventures with our favourite characters. But it is also a way to explore themes and issues that are difficult to write about in real life either because they are too personal or we fear about what others would think or worry about offending people we do not mean to offend. I firmly believe this fic falls into the adventures with our favourite characters category.**

**You will probably find both Hermione and Lucius to be out of character in this work I have a reason why and I hope I have weaved it into the story enough for all of you to understand why. This is a story of life, love and at the end of the day moving on and growing up. It is also the story of an older blood supremacist coming to terms with what he has done and finding love with a younger woman who was not just part of the group he hated so much but on occasion his victim or one of his intended victims as well. Harry and Ron though still Hermione's friends are just drifting apart especially her and Ron due to a lack of things in common but also the way Hermione is trying to deal with her issues. Though I suppose it is more Hermione distancing herself and her friends are at a loss of what to do with her, everyone dealing with the trauma slightly differently.**

**DISCLAIMER! I do not own anything; Harry Potter will always belong to JK Rowling and the various groups she sold various rights to. I hope I can do our favourite pair some justice and that you all enjoy reading the story.**

**zxxyxxz **

**Chapter One Figures At One O'clock**

Hermione pushed open the Iron Gate and walked slowly into the garden, it had only been just over two years since the battle and everyone else had long since stopped coming to the garden, but she went she went every day. At first it was to mourn and remember all the friends that had died, then she mourned for the people she knew at first it was just those acquaintances on the light side she mourned. Then she mourned for all those she had known on the side of Voldemort, perhaps it was wrong to think of her side as the light, after all she doesn't think of the death eaters as being dark. For once Hermione Granger did not know the answer to a question, she knew that in the past.

"Bah the past."

She said with a small laugh

That in the past her not knowing the answer would be a cause of celebration, a chance to learn something new and further her knowledge, but today it just left her cold. She sobered for a moment as she realised where she was and why she was there. Well she knew where she was that was easy she was in the garden of remembrance, a small garden with trees and bushes all arranged around the winding stone slab path built as a memory to the suffering and death the second war with Voldemort had caused. She supposed it was supposed to look beautiful, pretty even but to her it was just another reminder of what was lost, a reminder of all the people she knew who would never see a tree on earth again, all the people who would never speak to her or insult her again.

Why she was currently sitting in the garden brooding and contemplating she didn't really know, but all Hermione did know was that this garden always made her feel calm, what better place she always said to think about life, death and the implications of actions then a place that embodies all three aspects. After all the garden was there because people were dead, dead because of her actions and those of others. What was a bigger consequence of your actions then causing death at least that was why she justified visiting to her friends. Although she didn't want to admit it out loud Hermione knew deep down the real reason why she came, she came because she was lost, empty. Everything she had ever known both magical and Muggle was gone. No more was there the constant fear she lived with of Voldemort launching another attack and the worries of who didn't make it. Gone was the prejudice and hate she dealt with every day. Gone were her friends and acquaintances again more victims of actions and consequence. Even though she had them back she still felt mild disgust towards herself at what she had to do to her parents to keep them alive.

She sighed and shifted on the cold stone bench, it was summer not that it gave an indication of the weather or mood it was still England after all. She smiled at her own joke. Joke was that right? Was the statement on weather funny, Hermione didn't know and if she was honest she probably didn't care.

"You know what the funniest thing is I even miss Bellatrix."

She said out loud not that anybody was here of course, after all why be in mourning when life can return to normal, when you can be happy. She did miss Bellatrix though, there was something comforting about the certainty of Bellatrix's hate, but with even her greatest enemy dead Hermione Granger was empty and finally without purpose.

She didn't look up when she heard the gate open after all she knew who it was, it was same person who always came, every day at one o'clock. Judging from the height, build and robes she gathered the other visitor was a man. She kept telling herself that his identity or even his gender didn't matter but she knew deep down it did, after all here was another soul who found time every day to visit she wondered why he did perhaps he felt the same as her, she probably knew him or at least of him and. And why did it matter everyone thought she was crazy, that she was ill maybe he would think the same, after all he was probably mourning a wife or a child not musing over the nature of evil and consequences. In a vain effort to stem the dark never ending cycle of thoughts of all you have seen and done running through your head in a constant loop. How could you ever be happy having to face all you have done whether you wanted to or not during every second of every day? No he would stop coming eventually his grief moving on to a better more healthy place.

She slowly lifted herself of the bench and left the garden and headed back to the small Muggle house she called home she did not realising the man was watching her.

Oh he noticed her alright every day at one o'clock there she was sat on the bench, he to wondered who she was, he knew he knew her he just couldn't place her, maybe she was feeling lost and empty too. Perhaps her mind was filled with stains that could never be erased, deeds that could never and should never be forgotten. A life where happiness was to be forever denied.

~8~

The next day saw Hermione at the garden sitting on the stone bench, she sighed taking in the smells of the garden and trying to ease the burden she felt on her shoulders. She looked down at the gold plaque in the middle of the garden and she read the simple inscription for yet another time. It's not like she read it every day, that would be compulsive perhaps even a sign of mental instability. Yet going to the garden every day at noon is not a sign of compulsiveness and mental instability reminded her inner analyst. The inscription never failed to bring her simultaneously to tears and to anger.

"_Gone but not forgotten. The fallen we will always remember._"

She laughed bitterly, the fallen have already been forgotten the garden just an empty gesture to make it seem that the Ministry to the apathetic and quick to forget public are doing something. Be seen to make changes and the people will be placated, put cronies of the light, sorry anti Voldemort forces in power and people believe in the change that the corruption is over. No one remembers it's been two years and no one comes to the garden anymore people have already forgotten the principles that the fallen fell for.

Hermione always thought she felt strongly for remembrance and change because she grew up a Muggle and thus grew up exposed to war and death, wars far more terrible and life threatening than Voldemort. That it somehow inbred an amount of respect for soldiers, after all that's what Hermione was a solider, a veteran in the same league as the old men she would see in the royal legion parades on remembrance Sunday. She imagined herself walking with the Muggle veterans, placing a poppy wreath and standing as a vicar says words for all the boys who never came home and for those who did.

She would have laughed at the image if it didn't sober her with the thought that no one would place a wreath in the garden for the Wizarding war dead. No poppies or prayers for Remus and Tonks or Snape and Voldemort.

Hermione was brought out of her thoughts by the squeaking of the Iron Gate she didn't realise an hour had passed her by, she glanced at her wrist watch and sure enough it was one o'clock precisely. She took a few more minutes to compose herself, trying to ground the anger as not to lash out on her not so innocent but innocent enough friends.

She didn't notice the man at one walk over and sit on the bench beside her, he just sat lost in thought when Hermione realised his presence she said nothing just continued to sit. After all he came over he was probably waiting for her to leave like she normally does, if he wants to talk he can make the first move. But at the end of the day, at the setting of sun it doesn't matter whether he speaks and tells her all his secrets or whether he says nothing at all and remains as simply the man at one.

She glanced at her wrist watch, Hermione doesn't know why she does, a force of habit she supposes after all she has nowhere to be, no one will worry about her or if they do they know where she will be. As she looks at the watch she studies her companion the first thing she notices is his smell, a rich spicy cologne, expensive is all she can guess about the brand, the second is the familiar long hair it is white blond in colour, the third is his robes they are expensive and well-tailored but worn no that was not the right word lived in would perhaps better describe the state of his robes. Deep down Hermione knows that this man means something to her, that she should remember his name, that deep down she has a feeling that the others would expect her to harm him, to… Kill him.

But all she can do is sit, she enjoys the company he provides the calm silence and the relief of acceptance. She knows she doesn't have to justify her being here in the garden and that he wouldn't expect her to. All Hermione knows is that it has been too long since she felt so at peace with another human even if he is a stranger. Scratch that he is no stranger she knows him and knows if he looks at her he will know her as well, they have never been friends always enemies but does that really matter now?

No it doesn't. The war is gone and so have the boundaries there is no reason for division, no life or death consequences at the failure to segregate based on political belief. Petty squabbles have petty and insignificant resolutions. She still sits, the time still not a worry to her. The man breaks the silence, his voice almost a drawl yet his diction perfect.

"It's such a waste, all that life, all that potential that was never met, all that went unfulfilled and underused. We are stunted I fear that some of our better minds were lost to us for a cause that if we all thought about it was never truly there to begin with."

"It truly is all for the causes of two mad old men who hadn't the courage to fight each other. Instead so afraid of loss they dragged into their quarrel the lives of others who bore the losses for them, any victory quickly fleeting due to the losses that were needed to ensure it. Losses that should never have occurred."

She replied slowly almost without emotion, there was silence between the two they knew the truth even if no one else could admit it, she knew it felt good to hear someone tell her what she already knew. Even though deep down that was the least of her troubles.

"You are a curious lady, your words are wise yet your hands they tell me you are young. I fear that they may be the only thing that you have as a reminder of your youth. You tell me nothing about your leanings in the war; it is a refreshing change from those who still try to tell you their loyalties even now. I need no reminders of my part in the war, I ruined many lives by my actions and it is something that I will have to live with."

Again his manner though emotionless was not bland. Even if she did not now know the identity of the speaker she knew him to be well raised for certain.

"I thank you for your compliment, with the war even I forget my age sometimes. I did my part in the war and I know you did yours. Yet at the end of the day there is no victory no good or evil, as the victors will write the histories of the now there was Pro Voldemort and Anti Voldemort forces, but even that is an oversimplification. No all the war has done is provide us with corpses to buried."

Hermione replied with a sigh, they knew the harsh honesty that each other spoke with.

"Spoken like a true veteran. Though many will disagree."

There was a hint of something in his voice, almost warmth. No that wasn't it but a sense of empathy was it? It didn't matter to her all that mattered was that there was one other person in her bleak excuse for a world who felt the way she did.

"All I can say is at least the killing curse is quick and families before the battle and before any forces came in the smaller raids got to say goodbye. Where I am from war is a common occurrence not always as large or as destructive as the one we have just survived but it is there nonetheless. So many broken promises, so many sons and daughters who won't be coming home."

A silent tear dropped down her cheek as she spoke, neither one of them noticed or if they did neither acted on it. There was silence for a while as if her companion was letting her final words sink in, that or he was no longer interested in maintaining a conversation. Hermione was not surprised most were bored to tears or had found an excuse to leave her by now, just content to leave her to the consuming thoughts of nothing and everything.

"You are Muggle born; you speak of the wars in 1914 and 1939 do you not. It does not matter that you are Muggle born after all to be sitting here with me you must be as powerful maybe even more powerful than I am. But then maybe I am not a pureblood, maybe I am. Maybe we were allies, maybe even mere months ago we would rather kill each other than talk. Though I feel if we had the option we would have preferred to talk."

There was a hint of playfulness in his voice a sense of teasing based on the knowledge that although their identities were known to each other, that for now they would keep up the pretence of being perfect strangers bound by grief. Though it was quite likely that they were practically strangers to each other, knowing nothing but their shared experience of war where the identity of those you fought against or sometimes with was not important. As much as it kills you to admit it in that situation there is only you and your family if you are lucky enough to still have one.

"It always amuses me that people say actions speak louder than words. It may be true that actions have more obvious and often greater consequences and implications, but words can always be taken back and forgiven."

Hermione said with an air of sadness in her voice. The entire exchange between the two may be considered morose or taboo by some but for Hermione this was the happiest she felt in months, she felt her lips twitch as she formed a half smile.

"That is very true. War isn't honour, there is no honour in dying before your time war is a mockery to live itself and still they spout on about how brave the dead were. More like irresponsible, what parents bring a child into the world in a time of war and then fight leaving the child an orphan and with no provision for the future, no thought as to the fact that breaking the cycle of violent conflict and striving towards peaceful resolution is what's best for the child. Not having dead heroes for parents. What good is a medal when you are dead and can't wear it?"

His voiced raised and anger filled his voice, she knew who he spoke of, the great order of the phoenix heroes Remus and Tonks Lupin who would rather die than allow their son to be brought up in a world full of hate.

"I agree, what is just as bad is when people tell you to wear your scars with pride, it shows you had conviction a resolve to your ideals and never sold out who you really were. Yet in war you don't show who you really are you get caught up in the side whose ideals either fit you best or the side that enlists you first. When you show the scars on the inside, the ones you can't see, can't touch the ones that cause you to scream in cold terror at night. The ones that leave you searching and the only place you feel at home is in a garden of remembrance with other like-minded souls and you are unstable. The war caused you to lose your mental faculties, you are danger to yourself, and you might hurt others. Hurt. More like show what the generals were afraid of, the real way to end the war if you speak out you get committed, all because your scars aren't visible."

Hermione voice became quieter and filled with more venom as she spoke, painfully aware of every nightmare, every time the others tried to talk 'sense' in to her as she spoke both rubbed their forearms their fingers lazily and with precision tracing every line of the scars they knew to be present. Their own reminders that the war never goes away. Forever to be judge by pieces of deformed skin and flesh.

"You feel the emptiness too. I can hear it in your voice, the conviction not in whether your beliefs or actions are right or wrong but in the fact that any belief any action that lead to such destruction and scarring must be wrong. The fact that if there was no war the deaths would be murder, the scaring bodily harm all crimes with harsh sentences and fines that would normally be detrimental to one's life. Yet one side gets away with it, the other still suffer for it. The fact that even when the dust has settled, the fallen mourned and wounds healed and scarred over, that nothing has changed."

Again more passion and emotion filled his voice she knew his words before he spoke them, how many times in this very place had she uttered the same?

"The frustration at the status quo maintained yet relabelled and sold to us as change. A new hospital wing, a single plaque in the middle of London. Nothing's changed."

Hermione replied simply and was content to merely sit and ponder the afternoon's discussion. She glanced at her wrist watch it was nearing two o'clock, as much as it pained her to leave she knew it was time to go. No point in risking and ruining an afternoon of comforting debate over unwanted and awkward conversation.

"Thank you for the company Mr Malfoy, I will see you tomorrow."

Hermione's goodbye was simple yet friendly, but just like before she meant every word.

"Until tomorrow Miss Granger."

He rose from the bench and graced her with a bow before opening the Iron Gate and ushering them both back out into post war reality.


	2. Discussions Of A Time Once Upon Them

**Chapter Two Discussions Of A Time Once Upon Them**

Other the next two months Hermione continued going to the garden and she stayed behind instead of leaving at one O'clock, most days her and Lucius would talk sometimes it was trivial sometimes there was silence but nothing was overtly personal. So this was where Hermione was found in late October sat on the stone bench and enjoying a rare spot of late autumn sunshine, she noticed Lucius enter the garden and gave herself a moment to really observe the man.

What are they she wondered to herself, are they friends or just casual acquaintances? And for once something really did matter to her. It was odd how he kept the darker thoughts away if only for the time they spent together. Maybe he reminded her that whatever was wrong with her could be worse or perhaps convinced her that the Death Eaters were capable of emotions that as a group she had been over simplifying them as it made it easier to fight against them. But she said nothing and just watched quietly wondering why it had taken so long for it to register to her that he changed from the man she thought she knew that he had never recovered from the war. His hair still limp and lank and his skin worn and dull. Maybe it was because until now none of that mattered. She looked away as he walked over to her and slowly eased himself down on to the bench.

"Good afternoon Miss Granger."

Hermione looked up and replied.

"Good afternoon Mr Malfoy."

The pair sat in silence still contemplating their own thoughts it was a while before either spoke again but to Hermione the silence was cloying almost suffocating. She wanted to rant and rave about all the thoughts all the feelings trapped inside her head; she wanted someone to understand her but how do you do that? How could she possibly reach out to the man beside her? Lucius may not want to hear her lonely thoughts she laughed inside he definitely didn't want to hear her thoughts. She would take what she could get and hope that it would continue being enough for her.

"Are you well today Mr Malfoy?"

For the first time in a long time Hermione made polite conversation, her normal conversations were of course convincing her friends that she was indeed sane. But there would be no consequences here, either Lucius would reply or he would not. It was not a big deal either way though Hermione hoped he would reply it would be nice after all.

"I am very well Miss Granger. But what of yourself?"

There was a hint of care in his normal drawl as if he felt something for Hermione's well-being, her lips twitched slightly but decided they could not bring themselves to form a smile.

"I am as well as can be expected. "

Hermione returned her gaze to the ground in front of her and silence once again fell upon the garden.

"Why is it Miss Granger that everyone but us is incapable of seeing the lack of change?"

Hermione looked up from her examination of the ground but froze unable to answer such a question right away.

"I do not know Mr Malfoy; it is a question that I have constantly asked myself these past years but one that I have yet to be able to answer. The only answer I have been able to come up with is very generic and oversimplified and one I find hard to believe, but maybe everyone else is so convinced of the black and white nature of the war, that they see a light supporter in charge and decided that everything will be ok or they are all easily lead and believe in the enforced perceptions of change."

She shrugged her shoulders and sighed.

"You would think that after the war people would be thinking for themselves that the populace would be more cynical more hardened and would ask more of their representatives and think more about the outcomes of such political actions."

He replied softly.

"Maybe it is their way coping? If they pretend that nothing is wrong and that nothing has changed they do not have to deal with the aftermath of the war. However you would have to be blind to miss the effects that the war has had."

Hermione's fingers traced the scar on her arm through the soft fabric of her sleeve; both were silent for a time, Lucius watched discreetly as her fingers traced the scar. He tightened the grip he had on his walking stick, it pained him to watch her trace the scar, he hated that he watched as Bellatrix branded her by cutting 'Mud blood' into her skin. She would forever carry the war, literally on her sleeves. He exhaled loudly and released the grip; he cannot change the past no matter how hard he may have tried.

"Perhaps you are right, in which case maybe we should let them cope."

He replied sighing a little in defeat.

They sat in silence, Hermione contemplated just how to respond but it had been so long since anyone showed this kind of enthusiasm for her company that it was almost over whelming, fortunately she did not have to break the silence.

"Winter is setting in; it seems to get earlier every year."

He said not specifically at Hermione but more to the garden at large Hermione just happened to be sat there next to him.

"Perhaps we spend so long looking for change that we notice and pick up on any little change that we see just to prove that our world is not as static as it seems. Or perhaps we feel an affinity for the emptiness that winter brings to our environment, or the option of hiding away inside that conveniently comes with the cold bleakness that is winter."

She replied, looking down at the ground around her.

"That is a rather pessimistic view Miss Granger."

"Perhaps, but it is born of observation and what I know to be true so maybe the view is more realistic than pessimistic.

She said slowly there was no real emotion present like always her words carried a tinge of regret.

"Indeed."

He replied.

~8~

It was a week later until they had anything resembling a normal conversation again; it was not that they had had a disagreement it was more that whatever thoughts were in their heads they were best left alone in silent contemplation than force such burdens on another. It was now November. Hermione sat staring at her hands they were cold but she didn't mind she had long since given up on minding. She was twenty one she felt older and was pretty sure she looked older; nothing had changed for her yet.

Lucius once again sat next to her it became routine for them, neither ever acknowledged the presence of the other. It was just awkward.

"How's Draco?"

Hermione asked it was out of curiosity more than anything but Lucius didn't answer; he remained silent for an hour and left again not even gracing her with a curt nod of goodbye. She realised it was too personal she never knew Draco. She shook her head. She didn't know Draco, it was not right it reeked of insincerity but maybe she needed to know. To know that even if she was broken that the world around her was not that there were still constants left. Maybe she needed to hear Draco call her 'Mud blood' again. Maybe not.

~8~

The next day he came back, he wore black leather gloves she noticed he also sat next to her.

"I'm sorry for yesterday."

She said. It was a simple apology but it had been eating at her insides since yesterday. She should have said something yesterday. Lucius merely turned his head to face her and then looked away again, back to staring at the ground in front of him.

"Sometimes I wonder what I'm doing here. Wonder how I can ever continue with my life knowing that nothing can ever be the same again that I can never be safe anywhere ever again. Then sitting here it hits me, I have to live my life because otherwise it becomes the greatest insult to those who died. But some days I have my doubts about even that."

Hermione said, not caring if Lucius even listened to her anymore.

~8~

She sat down on the bench, Lucius had been silent for the two previous days and she realised that she missed him talking to her or at her as was the most likely case. It was odd how she came to rely more on these daily meetings than she first thought, did that mean that Lucius meant more to her then Harry and Ron? But did she mean anything to him? No. she didn't. She decided almost instantly, if she meant anything he would have talked to her again by now. He still came though. At one the gate creaked opened and Lucius walked briefly around the garden before coming to a stop in front of her.

"Good Afternoon."

He said solemnly and took his seat beside her. There was still silence but it seemed somehow less monolithic then it did before he arrived, those two words made all the difference.

"Draco is well."

He said.

"I'm glad."

She replied.

~8~

Everything seemed brighter today maybe it was because the fragile peace was once again back in the garden. Maybe it was because she had survived another day. On cue they sat and exchanged pleasantries it was familiar and for that moment that was all that mattered.

"There is never any escape from him. You can change in your heart and in your mind but you still belong to him you still serve him. The only way for escape is for him to be destroyed and for that I am very thankful for all your efforts."

He said his voice barely above a whisper as if he was still in awe that everything and nothing had changed for him. He was no longer a prisoner in his own home he no longer had a master to serve but he was still a prisoner in his own country.

"You don't have to thank me. I am tired of being thanked for my part; I have nothing to be thanked for unless you would like me to thank you for your part, you can't have a hero without a villain."

Her voice was low with anger, and she was not truly aware of her words until it was too late and they had been uttered for other ears to hear.

"I understand."

He replied.

"My life is ruined as much as yours. Though in different ways I think."

Hermione said before sighing in defeat and they once again parted ways at the gate.

~8~

Another afternoon and another meeting, the weather was still cold. It decided to lash it down with rain that grey November day.

"I have no wand it's been years now but I'm still refused another wand. Not legally of course that would be wrong even to all the hypocrites that fill the Ministry but it does not say that I can't be refused service or even banned from Olivander's."

"I'm sorry."

Hermione said.

"No you're not. We both know I can't be trusted with a wand."

He said plainly.

"Perhaps."

Was all she could say in reply.

~8~

Five days passed during which they went back to their brief and not exactly personal conversations. Hermione found she missed it, you could tell more about someone from a few words then you could a biography. But she wondered if it was because she needed to know that she was not alone.

~8~

It was the eleventh of November. Remembrance Day. And so Hermione left earlier than usual, Harry came with her and together they stood in front of the small plaque and placed a wreath of poppies before observing the two minute silence, she thought about the victims of all the conflicts Muggle and Magical, a lone tear slid down her face. Harry left to return to his home. Hermione stayed. Lucius entered the garden at one, if he noticed the poppy wreath he never said.

~8~

She sat waiting for him to come another day another chat. She noticed his cloak had a hole in it, she wondered why he still bothered to wear it. It didn't change the fact he sat next to her though.

"Do you know why I liked the imperious curse?"

He asked out of the blue as they sat silently contemplating on the bench.

"No."

Came her reply.

"Because it takes away their responsibility and lessens your own sense of guilt I will always know deep inside that my actions caused their death or suffering but I myself did not do it and I spared the true culprit that responsibility."

Lucius said simply fully accepting of the situation and his actions.

~8~

The next day they were together again, again he wore the cloak with the hole. She wondered if she should point it out to him so that he could get it repaired or just buy a new one but thought it best not to it may be over stepping the mark of what they have together.

"Does it bother you to still live in the manor?"

Hermione asked. She knew that the question was deeply personal but it was just one of those questions that she found herself wanting the answer to. Was it just her that had problems returning to the places that reminded her so of the war? Was it just her that never felt at home or safe anywhere?

Lucius was silent for a while; she could see the signs of his eyes flicking to the sides as they did when he was deep in thought even though his head was bowed seemingly looking at his feet. Wrestling with whatever demons were currently within.

"Yes."

There was silence. And after a while there was not he looked up and looked directly at her before attempting to say the piece sat on the very tip of his tongue.

"It is my home. I have never known anywhere else. It remains a testament to my family and offers constant stability an anchor. Even if on some days is doesn't feel like it."

~8~

Another day. They sat in silence, Hermione had nothing to say and Lucius just stared into the distance. His look and manner was not the glazed look of a day dream but the haunted look of a man who had for whatever reasons done and seen too much.

"Why are you here Miss Granger?"

Lucius asked kindly, never moving his stare from the distance.

"I don't know. I cannot see how to live my life, all the knowledge of what I have done, what I have lost just eats away inside of me. It's better if I am left alone. I think I preferred our first conversations here than the ones we have now."

Hermione was silent before speaking and was silent again afterwards she was still not sure why she was here, she told Lucius no lie but her mind was not being truthful to her either.

"Enlightening."

He said.

~8~

The days went by until Hermione entered the garden and it occurred briefly to her before the thought was over taken that it was the last day of November. Lucius looked more agitated then usual but it was not her place to judge or say.

Lucius however was deep in thought, tomorrow was THE day. But could he tell Hermione he had to tell someone he had to talk about it maybe if someone could understand it would make things better. But she would never understand. Perhaps he should tell her, they are getting overly familiar it would not do for her to get too close she had to know that words can never take back what he has done. That he would never be a man that you talk to even out of desperation. He deserved nothing.

~8~

December first, excitement was everywhere but in the garden the two people who needed joy the most were unable to have it. He sat down next to Hermione, she noticed his cloak still had a hole in and the grip he had on his cane was enough to scare her. Almost. What was there left to be scared of she had seen everything and done everything in reality her and Lucius were the same. Almost.

"How can I ever be ok with it? Nothing can ever fix what's broken, I have to live with my deeds, the knowledge of all I have seen and done. Nothing will ever make that right.

I see their faces all the time. Everything I do, say, hear reminds me of the war. The death. That I caused. Oh it was easy to join and worse HE knew it and used it to his advantage. Turned men into monsters, HE had such a way with words he made what we were doing seem oddly right and significant. The truly terrifying thing is the first time you tune out the sounds of the crowd so completely that all that exists is you and the poor soul in front of you. The sound and feel of your heart in your throat and ears as you gradually focus and realise what's happening. You raise your wand but the words don't come. You can't for the life of you even comprehend ever saying those two little words. You tune the crowd back in.

Then his voice comes, calling you out for being unable to do it. Then it hits you. This cruel wave of cold realisation that what you are about to do is wrong and so distinctly and singularly terrible on whatever level and angle you use to examine it but a cold shock runs through you. What he is about to do to you for being a failure, a sentimentalist, a blood traitor, a coward is single handily worst then doing the deed. That you will live with a broken soul for eternity then suffer the consequences. Heart racing on absolute fear you draw on everything you have and rush through the curse as quick as possible."

He laughed loudly and coldly.

"You take their life and dehumanise and reduce the act to something so insignificant you don't even have the guts to do it properly, show some respect for the person frozen in pure unadulterated terror in front of you. At that one moment just before the curse hits you feel like the smallest person in the room. That the person you respect most in the world is the person you are about to send out of it. Then they all cheer and clap, congratulate you on a job well done. But you're just numb inside you just go along with it relieved that your head is now put of the noose. The next time he commands you to kill it's easier, you draw on your memory of saying those words."

He swallowed loudly.

"Of your first kill."

He ran his shaking hands across his face, fingers kneading his temple he seemed so lost in his thoughts and his past that Hermione felt there was nothing she could do or say at that moment that would any difference to him. She couldn't turn back time. She tried that once and the results were not pretty. No all she could do was listen with an almost morbid fascination as Lucius continued his story, it was strange this feeling that was welling up inside of her. On one hand she should feel horrified, disgusted and repulsed. She should run away and never come back she should feel anger and hate. Not sympathy. But she felt sadness not for the victims but for Lucius. She wondered how a man with everything to live for, the world was his oyster and he was reduced to thinking that genocide was an option. That following a terrorist, a madman was better than anything else. But perhaps she had seen so much that nothing could phase her anymore. When you have seen pure terror, witnessed events that should not happen in the darkest depths of your nightmares nothing can make you cringe that you can feel for the murderers. Feel for the most hated scum in society and that was when it hit her. Her and Lucius were the same.

"Nothing you can do can erase what you have done that you will never again be innocent so you just do it.

The worst thing is you know that it was you who joined him. You who willingly took the mark and you who willingly killed. No one forced you to become a killer that you always had the option to say no. You are the biggest coward in the world and worse of all is that HE knows it and relishes in it. He keeps you by his side because he knows that nothing you can do or say can change the fact that you and him are one and the same. You both have willingly ended the life of another. There is nothing for you to be superior about, no escape. You cannot even conceive the notion of confessing for your crimes and suffering the sentencing that comes with it. You stay because if you don't you won't survive you will go to Azkaban or worse. So you just keep doing what he asks. Then you learn that there is no avoiding the torture, the unbearable, unimaginable, indescribable pain. You ripped your soul apart and the pain he inflicts removes what's left. You can never escape. It might not be that night but the punishment always comes. The reason that justified you killing is gone. The last veil of innocent protection is gone. You did the deed because you wanted to. And that becomes the only thought in your head; there was no reason for the destruction but you.

Then you start believing your own rhetoric and I mean really believing your beliefs your dinner party posturing. You know it's wrong. You have seen the evidence for that your whole life because it has to be wrong. You would die out, inbred otherwise. But you have to believe it because it takes the pain away, for a moment it provides a smokescreen a shield to hide behind you can justify what you have done because it was right. Without it you become the one to blame, without your belief you accept responsibility. But the downside is that it feeds that part inside of you, the darkest, blackest speck inside you that you then draw upon to do the deed the next time he asks. You believe well you have to believe that this time he won't punish you that you will never have to go through the pain, the humiliation again. You know you are alive you know the torture won't kill you but you don't want to take that risk. You don't want to die and face the possibility of judgement for your sins so that becomes your fear coupled with the crippling pain you never want to feel again. Your life then becomes this large ironic cycle that you kill to prolong your own life while the inevitable torture just shortens it and then the fear of the unknown, the hereafter makes you survive the torture because you can put of the inevitable. Then you try and clean yourself but you can never be clean. You can never wash the feel of cowardice, the feel of regret, terror and evilness from you. You turn and catch your reflection in the mirror and it sickens you, the man in the mirror becomes your worst enemy because you can delude yourself, mask yourself, hide yourself but you can never escape yourself. But you have to because everywhere you look, everywhere you are out of the corner of your eye you see them. Everyone you killed, the look of terror then that damned look of sadistic peace that split second before the end follows you. Your dreams are never safe or fun again. Just his sneering face as he tortures you over and over again.

In the end I couldn't take it anymore I had to go to Azkaban I thought that if I suffered really suffered for my sins it would make it all ok that maybe I could find some peace. But it's useless all it does is remind you of why you are there, you realise that nothing you can say or do can take back what you have done. But worse you would not wish such a fate on anyone. Then you remember those you've left behind that to gain peace of mind you abandoned your son, your wife to such a monster. That you force your fate on your son and that makes you physically sick. You just said you would not wish that fate on anyone but you have just given it to those you love the most and realise that that is your punishment that is your penance to know you destroyed a loved one in worse a way than you could do by killing them. Then the dementors don't matter to you. You feel so bad, so revolted and disgusted by yourself that what more could they possibly do to make things worse. That absolute bleak desolation makes the dementors leave you alive. That they can bask in the fact that you are so miserable, soul so black and broken there is nothing that can punish you or make you atone for your sins. You are then forced to drop all pretences that protect you and realise you are there because you are a coward and you are wrong. That you are there because you want your posturing fantasy to be real. But you now don't want it to be real and there is nothing you can do to fight it except to do the bare minimum to survive. Because you have to live your life you have to try and be happy because if you're not it makes a mockery of the already needless deaths you have caused. And the worst thing is you allow yourself happiness because you cannot live so completely in the dark."

Hermione felt her heart harden and break at the same time disgusted and yet full of tears, compassion and in its own perfect way arousal for the man next to her, who opened his very soul and whose gut wrenching honesty did more to inspire friendship and companionship than flowery words ever could. She felt his pain, his regret and yet also his ambition, his drive the sense that his views were right. They were the same. She kept rolling those four words over and over in her mind as she stared perplexed by her emotions at the man beside her. Lucius looked destroyed. He was beyond being broken, he was beyond tears. She knew without any doubt he had cried a thousand tears a hundred times before but nothing could remove the stain on his soul. Nothing could change a single damned thing. How many times had she cried? How many times had she ranted and raved. How many times had she wanted to leave everything behind? Her lips moved before her brain could catch up she was too distracted by her swirling thoughts and loosening the grip she had on the reality she had taken such comfort in. The reality of Lucius being made of stone. That wasn't true. So she let the remains of her old life slide away and she let her brain thrust her screaming in terror into this brave new world where nothing was right.

"That's the difference between the two of you, the proof that no matter what you have done the fact you know you are wrong and the fact you will forever suffer for it will always cement you as different. This is what truly makes us human."

She did not add the rest of her words. One day she would speak them but there was a time for that and it was not today.

"The fact that by killing them you sent them to a better place. You spared them the pain and humiliation of suffering by his hands and suffering in the world he wanted to create. You ripped your soul apart, suffered such pains that can never be healed but you stopped another from going through it. Maybe the two balance each other out, part of that great ironic cycle. Another reason why this should not happen again that it is our duty as veterans as soldiers to ensure that no child has to go through this. That no one has to ever make your choices and suffer the consequences that are far worse than any demon filled hell."

She thought silently. She knew she should hate him but how could she. A life time of regrets was something she knew all too well. She would have done anything to avoid the torture of Bellatrix LeStrange. If only telling her what she wanted to hear would have stopped her own torture.


	3. Friendship and More?

**Quick Authors Note: See the end of this chapter as the two of them testing boundaries and testing to what extent their feelings for the other go. As a point for future chapters remember it is a romance but their little conversations will continue. (I promise this is the last author's note.)**

**zxxyxxz**

**Chapter Three Friendship And More?**

He appeared the next day and stopped in front of her frozen in surprise.

"Your still here."

Lucius said, voice shaking having trouble believing that she was real.

"It's not my place to judge."

She replied neutrally. He settled down on the stone seat and pulled his cloak around him. Both just sat in silence it was not awkward more of a quiet understanding of each other.

"I am not completely misled or deluded. I liked his beliefs I in many ways wanted the world he preached to do the things he spoke off. But when it gets down to it, it is one thing to want and to think and completely different to do.

All these things he promised he never once delivered. All his research and magical knowledge he never shared nor did he ever teach us what it meant to be magical. He allowed us to cast the dark arts but we had to educate ourselves. We I gave that thing everything and he gave us nothing in return. I sold myself into slavery for him and now I have nothing. I don't even know how I could think those thoughts to begin with.

But I did believe them and I fought to make them true. What does that make me?"

"A Wizard."

Hermione said.

"Perhaps."

Lucius replied.

~8~

The Potter's and Weasley's were beginning to prepare for Christmas why did she feel so cold and numb. The cold played havoc on her body. She thought back to the Christmas on the horcrux hunt, it was tough to pick what Christmas she preferred; at least on the hunt she had a purpose. Now her life was reduced to daily conversations with Lucius Malfoy of all people. Why could she not move on? She knew why of course she felt like she did not deserve a Christmas. How could she forget all her deeds all the spells she cast? She shook her head and it brought her back to the present.

The days ticked by and this time their conversations gradually began to open up; instead of focusing on one topic they talked about everything especially themselves. She found out that he was divorced; Hermione wondered how lonely it would be to spend so long with someone and to then have them without warning leave. He was a book worm as well. Did those small facts really have any significance on the lives they were forced to lead? She didn't know. But it made whatever fate she was given seem for those small moments seem meaningful and on those cold winter afternoons that was enough.

~8~

It was Christmas day. Hermione could hardly believe it she couldn't bring herself to open the many presents that she had been given by both Harry and the rest of the Weasley family. She left before lunch was served, she had to go to the garden and on days like today when everyone was reminded most acutely of their losses she needed the peace of mind. How could she go back to the Potter's and Weasley's though? How could she celebrate with the others when there was nothing left to celebrate?

Lucius still came though, he looked uncomfortable as he sat down, and she wondered if he had come from eating dinner but in the end it didn't matter she thought. They just sat there were no great debates, no personal revelations just two people sat on a grey December day in a memorial garden.

"Merry Christmas Mr Malfoy."

"Merry Christmas Miss Granger."

With that they got up and left, Lucius walked Hermione to the gate and held it open for her as she walked past he said loudly to her.

"Lucius."

And the two of them left.

~8~

Today was New Year's Day that was nothing special but it mattered to some, Hermione returned to the garden right on time and she sat thinking. Another year and she had nothing to show for the last one, still unhappy, still unemployed and still hopeless her optimism of her earlier years extinguished as the ugly reality of what it was to be human and to be an adult was slowly revealed to her. Though maybe such optimism was a way of coping having had to grow up to soon, a way of restoring normality into a world where adults no matter how respectable could not be trusted. Lucius entered the garden at one. It hit Hermione how these moments together was what she had to show for the past year. It was not an unpleasant thought.

Lucius sat down and at that moment all was right again in Hermione's world, she had her friend. Yes that was right, no matter what he thought of her he was her friend to some degree. A friendship born of understanding and acceptance, nothing would ever change who they were or what they had done but it was enough.

"Happy New Year Lucius."

"Happy New Year Hermione."

There was silence, save for the breeze rustling the bare tree branches.

"I don't know how much longer I can continue living the way I am. It hurts that nothing has changed and worse no one seems to want to change. I gave up so much for the war and nothings fucking changed. People congratulate me think I deserve so much for fighting and helping Harry defeat Voldemort but the thing I want most I can't have. I can never have my innocence back and this whole world just seems so miserably static. Its New Year's Day and I have nothing to show for my past year except being here and if I listened to what my some of my friends want for me I wouldn't even have this. I want nothing and everything in this world, I want purpose I want a life but the one on offer I don't want. How can I just go to work and pretend that it's normal that nothing has happened to change me? How?"

Hermione's voice started low before she ended up screaming. Tears running freely down her face. Lucius was still for a moment, before his low voice pierced through Hermione's sobs and brought her back to the now.

"When you have your innocence it seems like nothing you only realise its value when it is gone. I can't help you Hermione because I don't know how. But I know how you feel, the grating anger that nothing has changed when everything has changed where nothing is the same anymore. How can a world be back to rights when at least two of its citizens scream in cold terror every night and barely live during the day?

The answer is that it is not right and will never be right but we have to be who we are, you must never change, never give in. So long as you keep striving to find the change the world will one day change."

"You don't mean the last part."

She said weakly.

"Your right. There will never be change, but surely we are allowed to believe to the contrary if only for a little while."

He replied. And Hermione managed a small nod of acceptance.

~8~

Four days later they were together again in the garden. They both continued to sit not moving as a light breeze blew through the garden, Lucius let out a small gasp as his hands began to shake and convulsions wracked his body. Yet another reminder of the torture and suffering Voldemort caused even amongst his own followers. Was that an indication of what life under his rule would be like? She hoped not. Gingerly she reached out and placed her hand over his she hoped he would not think it improper but she could not sit and watch as he suffered through such obvious pain and for a cause he seemed to regret and repent even when there would not and perhaps could not ever be redemption for him. Eventually the convulsions stopped though his body remained twitching randomly and another breeze blew through the garden.

"Are you cold?"

She asked, seeing him nod slightly, she moved closer to him and pulled his and her own cloak around them both, if he noted the pink tinge on her cheeks he said nothing. After a time it was Lucius who spoke his voice still shaky from the curse.

"Thank you. Do you still get attacks?"

"Occasionally. I find tea helps."

She turned to face him and she smiled, at a loss of what to do Lucius simply smiled back. Hermione noticed his hard grey haunted eyes as they softened for the briefest of moments when the smile graced his lips.

~8~

She came she saw then he came.

"Why do you keep talking to me?"

He asked plainly. Hermione had to think for a moment before she answered slowly.

"I don't know, because you understand because you don't try to pretend to be any one else or something you're not. I just don't know."

She answered frustrated with both him and herself.

"Maybe my companionship is a ruse. All part of a larger plan to hurt you did you think of that."

He said sneering but both could tell his heart wasn't in it. He didn't mean those words.

"If you wanted to kidnap me, hurt me you would have done so by now. But you don't want to do that and worse you haven't the wand to do it."

She said plainly.

"Your right."

He sighed. They spent the rest of their time together in silence.

~8~

Two days passed, there was nothing special about the two days they both arrived at the garden made small insignificant talk about their lives and then they left again.

~8~

A week later she sat waiting for Lucius to arrive she looked really looked at him as he walked over and sat down. She noticed he leaned a lot on his walking stick, no longer an ostentatious wand holder a mere accessory but an aid for mobility a necessity. He was still tall, well groomed but his face was more lined than she remembered. A haunted look hung about him that no matter what he did was never going away. In the end it was his eyes that betrayed him he would never look superior again; he would never send a bolt of fear down her spine again.

Hermione could never explain what caused her to do what she did next. Maybe it was the realisation that Lucius Malfoy was just a man. That for all his deeds she could not find it within her to hate him for it that all she felt towards him was friendship and a sense of sympathy and empathy that she knew deep down inside they were the same. With a small smile on her lips she turned her body to face his and quickly leant across and kissed him briefly on the cheek. He smelt nice the mixture of spice and his own musk, she didn't mind the slight rub of stubble against her lips. She had to admit even if it was just to herself that she did not expect to enjoy kissing his cheek so much. In fact her thoughts left her wondering for a moment what it would be like to kiss his thin lips and just how Lucius would kiss her back.

"Why'd you do that?"

He asked sadly shoulders sagging under his perceived reading of the situation and the sorrow it caused him. Hermione's face dropped sadly as she tried to make sense of the scene slowly unfolding.

"I'm sorry."

She said simply, turning her body away so he could not see the sadness and silent sobs that threatened to take over her body. It was stupid thing to do. And even more stupid to think he would enjoy it or want to kiss her back. For Merlin's sake she was Draco's age. She was a school girl young enough to be his daughter of course he didn't enjoy the situation she had just dropped him into.

"I'm not denying that I enjoyed it. But why Hermione? What could cause you to do that? Why'd you kiss me?"

He asked sadly as if a simple chaste kiss was the worst crime that could possibly be committed.

"I don't know why, I just wanted to."

Was the quiet reply. She tried to avoid eye contact with Lucius. But that was truly the truth, she was at such a loss but this confused flawed man offered her so much. Gave her so much understanding and companionship that she supposed in many ways the question was how could she not want to kiss him.

"Why would you want to though? I. I have nothing to offer. I am not a good man or even a happy man, please forget you kissed me it will be better for both of us if you did."

His voice resigned to the finality of his decision, Hermione reached out and placed her hand on his.

"You understand. But more importantly you don't care. You don't fawn or tell me that I'm right or wrong you listen and we talk about anything and everything."

"There are many men who will listen and talk. Why am I anything special? No woman wants a coward."

"You're honest and you realise that while we have to live, life is not something that we can frivolously throw away. My friends don't realise that." She exhaled heavily. "They don't want to change and you know I can't live like that."

"There will be others. Men more palatable to both you and your friends."

"Why should it matter what other people think?"

"Because no matter what you say or think now when the reality hits that everyone at best ignores you or worse taunts and harasses you in the street and discriminate based on your associations you will regret every moment you spent here with me." He paused to swallow. "Kissing."

"I have just one question Lucius so long as you are amenable to kissing me shouldn't I have the choice as to whether I want to face the hostilities?"

"You are right. I can't tell you how to live your life but I don't want the guilt Hermione. I don't want to be the cause that ruins another life."

He sunk back, defeated unsure how he really felt, on one level he didn't like it, he really didn't want to cause more pain and more anguish for anyone he already had enough to atone for. But on another level he craved the intimacy the fact that she wanted him or at least a kiss. He missed having a warm body next to him and right now he was unbelievably hard and he couldn't remember the last time he got hard that wasn't induced by himself. He thought back through all the real encounters that they had together. She knew what he had done, she had seen and witnessed so many things Hermione was to a degree broken she was no innocent school girl anymore.

Hermione sat there thinking through what had just happened and for once contact with another human left her feeling something other than cold. She knew what he had done and like her he would never forget any of the things he had done, forever burned to the side of your mind ready to flood your thoughts as soon as an opportune moment presented itself.

But she found that she didn't mind.

~8~

The following day Hermione sat in the garden and waited, she was barely able to sit still the need to pace almost overwhelming her as she had to know whether she pushed him too far. That instead of keeping a surprising friendship that she now had nothing. She felt so shocked and relived when she heard the creak of the gate and saw Lucius enter the garden and walk towards her. A tingle went through her body as he sat down.

He came back.

She made pleasantries and gently placed her hand over his only for him to violently pull his hand away a look of fear and hatred crossed his features.

"Please stop that."

He growled menacingly.

Confused Hermione pulled her hand away and kept both hands balled tightly in her lap unable to think of what had happened in twenty four hours. Time passed and nothing was said, so again Hermione reached across and placed her hand on his.

"I said stop it. Please."

His voice low as Lucius almost pleaded with her to stop touching him. Chastised Hermione removed her hand and wondered if she really had ruined everything that she would have to leave at one O'clock doomed to be alone. The only kindred spirit that she had met and she pushed him away with her own selfish actions.

"I willingly attacked a pack of school children. I watched as young girl barley eighteen was tortured in my home I did nothing to stop it. I gave a cursed diary to an eleven year old girl and she and others nearly died.

I nearly. I very nearly lost my boy. Draco's my son and I love him more than anything in this world and I nearly lost him. Because of me he was sent on a suicide mission, I as good as killed him Hermione.

I killed my boy."

The last words came out as barely a whimper as silent tears and sobs racked his body and he slowly rocked back and forth all the while staring intently at the ground and picking at his robe cuff. He acted as if Draco really was dead.

"That's in the past Lucius."

Hermione said softly placing a comforting hand on his shoulder only for it to be shrugged off.

"It's not the past though. The man who did those things was me. Is me. I am still that man, I attacked children would willingly hurt children I really am a coward. Not prepared to fight the adults, fight the real Witches and Wizards."

There was silence again not the awkward silence of earlier meetings but heavy and tense that causes you to panic about just what is to come out of it.

"Why did you join them Lucius. What was so bad that things had to come to you hurting children?"

She asked softly, her heart breaking at the wreck of a man beside her.

"Because it was easy. "

~8~

The next day and Hermione was looking intently at the first of the new green growth trying to force its way into the harshness of January, she heard but did not respond to Lucius sitting next to her.

"I feel calm here talking to you, feel that everything I am experiencing is normal despite my knowledge and observations that would point to the opposite. Tell me Hermione why is that?"

He asked, pushing an errant hair back out of his face.

Hermione paused and struggled to think of an answer, it was true that she enjoyed these little sessions at first it was awkward but somehow they transcended to the heights of normality. These talks between them never removed the thoughts instead merely organised them and kept the darker impulses at bay.

"I can't explain this phenomenon Lucius."

He sighed heavily.

"I thought that might be the case."

~8~

She sat in the garden and let her thoughts sweep her down the paths she needed to go. Harry just got a promotion at work, in the Auror Office; it made her think how pathetic her own life was. Living on her own having already accepted that loneliness was to be her only companion, living of the generous but not extravagant war pension, money because the war had damaged her body beyond repair. She should be out doing things she thought. But she knew she shouldn't. Nothing brings her any peace or any real stirrings of emotion except being in the garden with Lucius.

Speak of the devil; he had just sat down next to her.

"I watched you writher on the floor in front of me in such agony, faced with one of the most dangerous and insane people I had ever met. And now I want to see you writhing and squirming in front of me and… and beneath me. And I like that thought I find myself thinking of it often. Does that shock you?"

"No. Is this a final attempt to be noble and scare me off Lucius?"

"Yes. I am not a gentleman. I can't ever make anyone happy. I am a cold blooded killer."

"I know. It still doesn't shock me."

She reached across and gave his cock a squeeze through the fabric of his robes.

He groaned.

What was so different he reasoned to himself between, thinking all his thoughts while fucking Hermione and thinking the same swirling raging terror while he found release from his own hand. Nothing. Absolutely nothing. The only difference was that he could have an apparently willingly, not unattractive young girl warm his bed. He made his decision; he just had to give her one final chance to make hers. It was only right; she would only deny him anyway. He didn't deserve her attentions or her compassion.

Before he could think she left and he was left to stew and think of her. It was a whole day before he could make everything right; he had to go a whole day with his thoughts filled with nothing but Hermione. She had her hand grasping his dick. He couldn't think much beyond that.

~8~

Hermione lay back in her bed staring at the textured ceiling and wondering when she would ever find the heart to redecorate her home it was not as if she was short for time. Her thoughts kept running back to Lucius she wondered why she touched him there. She could not say what gave her the courage to reach across and grab Lucius flaccid cock through the loose folds of his robes but why not she was not afraid she may have had little experience but she knew what to do.

As she tried to sleep her breathing slowing and her eye lids drooping Lucius was the last thing she thought about and at that moment right on the cusp of slumber she decided it was time for Lucius to come to tea.

**PS You guys I know you are reading and people are following and adding to favourites but seriously please drop me a line or two as a review it can be an emoticon if you want. Seeing reviews in my inbox make my day, I write for fun and post to give back to the community that has provided me with many hours of entertainment and happiness. Reviews don't mean prizes but they do make me smile.**


	4. Transitions To Reality

**Chapter Four Transitions To Reality**

"I like it here. On reflection I think I cannot be trusted anywhere else. I have had two chances to prove myself and twice I have failed. I think that it is the point of my existence. Failure."

He admitted darkly.

"Life is never as bleak as our dark minds make it."

Hermione countered.

"Yet I am a failure."

"And yet so am I."

They sat there letting the darker aspects of their character and the crushing weight of the reality of their post war existences consume and control their thoughts neither said nor could say anything. She leant across and kissed Lucius briefly on the lips. He kissed her back soft and chaste.

"Come to tea this afternoon."

Hermione said eventually breaking the heavy tension that spread across the garden once their kiss was concluded. Kisses were always awkward neither knowing quite what to say or do they knew what they wanted but want and reality were always two very different beasts.

"Tomorrow."

Lucius replied as he left with a small bow ruined slightly for Hermione by the view of his retreating form hobbling and shuffling out of the garden.

~8~

They both shifted nervously in their spot on one of the two battered settees separated by a coffee table that had seen better years, the three pieces of worn furniture making up the almost the entirety of Hermione's front room. She let out a ragged breath. What did she expect to happen? Did she still want to be here? What was different between the Garden of Remembrance and her own home?

The past. It would always be the past. In the garden there is a sense of if not anonymity then a sense of neutrality where they could muse and regret their life's choices without the outside world or without their pasts. But here in her own home it was different. She invited Lucius into her world. She had shown him her vulnerability, yet she did in the most loose of terms consider him a friend. She had kissed him. She kissed Lucius Malfoy because she wanted to. Because in the garden when he is at his lowest and most honest she found him so completely enthralling and attractive.

But here with him sat in front of her all she can remember is the sneer of superiority, the fear of what he could and wanted to do to her and the choking flight or fight instinct than came with the knowledge of your impending doom. She looked over to Lucius and took in his now familiar features. Nothing had changed since they were in the garden just minutes ago. The same limp lank hair that fell down below his shoulders, the visible lines around his mouth, eyes, brow and jaw, the air and expression of worry and world weary sadness etched onto his fine features. Why was she afraid? Why was she so confused and consumed by the awkwardness of the situation and of his presence? Why did reality have to ruin everything?

Nothing had changed from the garden. She kept reminding herself by repeating the mantra over and over in her mile a minute mind. But really everything had changed; they were no longer perfect strangers bound by grief and mutual respect of each other and each other's thoughts and feelings. They were something else. She Hermione Granger invited Lucius Malfoy home for tea this twist of events was a sign to all especially Lucius that the kiss, the sympathy, the discussions silent and otherwise meant something more. Had come to mean something more than a mistake or a passing fancy on a winter's afternoon.

She let out a sigh and placed with her hands trembling from nervousness her delicate china cup back onto the matching saucer on the coffee table. Why was she doing this? Did she want him to say anything? Why would hearing his cold clip voice change anything? Did she want him to change anything?

"I thought this is what you wanted?"

Lucius asked raising an eyebrow in concern.

"I…It is. But…"

She stammered trailing off. Unsure as to how she could express what she was thinking or what thoughts she wanted to be thinking let alone expressing those thoughts to Lucius.

"Nothing is different to being sat in the garden."

He pointed out his voice lower as if he himself was unsure as to whether he truly meant his words.

"BUT EVERYTHING IS DIFFERENT NOW. THERE I SAID IT! HAPPY NOW?"

Hermione shouted Lucius just sat there in his seat watching her outburst no sign of anything on his face.

"Why is it different?"

He asked trying to gently coax an answer out of her. How could she say it was because she didn't trust him? They bared their inner most thoughts, their very souls to each other daily and she didn't trust him. What hope was there for them? She couldn't be with the veteran fighters of the order and everyone else who stood against Voldemort and the one person who seemed to understand her was sat on the battered settee opposite and she was worried about him killing her.

"We can't pretend here."

She said sadly looking down at her feet instead of at Lucius, his features creased and screwed up in deep thought.

"You do not believe me."

He said simply in reply.

"It's not about belief."

She sighed never looking Lucius in the eye.

"Belief is at the very core of everything we do and think. Why do you doubt me in your home but believe my words in the garden?"

He asked.

"Because here is real."

Came her quiet almost whispered reply. Lucius leaned back against the settee his eyes half closed as he quietly observed Hermione. She felt a jolt of warmth and of nervousness shoot through her body, uncomfortable she tried shifting in her seat and fidgeting with her robe cuff to try and ease the nervous energy that had bubbled up inside of her.

"Would you prefer it if I were to take my leave?"

Lucius asked hesitantly after a long moment of quiet reflection on both their parts. New emotions and thoughts joined the free for all melee in her head. Did she want Lucius to leave? Part of her was screaming yes, this whole tea 'party' was awkward and unsettling if he were to leave perhaps she could return to something resembling normality. Though Lucius knew where she lived would she ever feel and be safe again? The darker side of her mind and of the Lucius leaving school of thought countered. She sighed and turned her mental attention to the idea of Lucius staying and with a small glint of early mental optimism hoped it would be a more reassuring course of action. If Lucius stayed she would have to address the unsettling aspects of his being here, if he stayed someone would understand her. She knew deep down she would regret Lucius leaving. But it did not mean she would enjoy his company.

"No. Please stay. I'm sorry I've been a terrible host."

She said quick to reassure Lucius that she wanted or preferred his presence to her solitude.

"Why is here so different to being in the garden?"

He asked softly again.

"Because in the garden it is neutral ground we can pretend that we are perfect strangers bound by grief or war veteran philosophers discussing how futile the carnage and the terror we have both witnessed truly is. But now we are here in my home taking tea the reality is that I Hermione Granger invited Lucius Malfoy into my home.

That every moment I spend looking at you all I can think of is the department of Mysteries and being chased and cursed by Death Eaters, or of being in Diagon Alley buying supplies and feeling inadequate and little more than dirt on every ones shoes. Even those being worn by my friends. Of being in a tent on the run, cold, hungry, scared and no clue how to begin ending the war. I am reminded of the torture and of my short imprisonment in your home as you and the rest of your family watched your sister in law do as she pleased to me and no one batted an eye lid or did anything to stop it. I see a cold, calculating murderer who would torture Muggles and Muggle Borns for sport.

But I am reminded of a broken scared family, a family that wanted each other to be safe more than anything. A haunted shit scared man wanting to find his son. A man who told me he is a murder and all I felt for him is sympathy. A man who followed his beliefs in his youth and regretted every minute. A man who cried in front of me as he lamented almost killing his son. A man who I found so human and so normal that I kissed him and loved the feeling of pride and happiness that he had got a hard on over me.

I look at you and hate myself for considering you as anything other than a murderer who should be locked up in Azkaban. I hate myself because despite the nervousness, despite how damned awkward and threatened I feel I don't want you to leave. I want you to understand and on one level the friendship and the connection we have is so enchanting, so arousing that I am almost considering kissing you again. That I want us to have some sort of continued future together whether we remain friends or something more."

She said her voice gradually changing from her more measured reasoning tones to being almost hysterical as hot tears welled up in her eyes and began to trickle one by one down her battle worn cheeks. Lucius silently listened, his eyes flicking from side to side his face forming a strange expression, not a sneer, not creased in thought but something between perplexed and sad.

"It is not easy for me either. I look at you and I see the embodiment of everything I thought I hated. I see the teenaged girl writhing in agony on my drawing room floor as my mad sister in law tortures her. I see a school girl trading insults with my son. Then I see Hermione my friend. Hermione the woman who left at One. I see the woman who talked with me, understood with me and most importantly remembered with me and showed that no matter where I am or how desolate things are in my head I am not alone.

I have to live with everything I have done. And nothing stops the sickening loop of death, violence and guilt that forever plays in my mind. I have to live Hermione I cannot insult those who gave their lives and unexpectedly allowed me to live. I won't deny that at first you were simply a means for me to vent my thoughts I thought little of you in a personal sense, then you listened and responded with stories and thoughts of your own. I began to see you as a confidant a friendship would have been too complicated there were no rules to what we had it was and still is more than I deserve. I listened to you and put up a façade of friendship because that was what you required in order for you to stay. Then I began to think of you in another light somewhere somehow I began to consider you in other lights. Admittedly it was more to do with you being female and showing me the faintest traces of kindness and understanding then any deeper meaning but when you kissed me things changed. I realised that I was not alone, that my inappropriate thoughts about you were perhaps not so inappropriate that however selfish it was I could finally live again. That there was something in my life beyond Draco and my inner thoughts even if it was only for a little while. I confess your insistence on comforting me and kissing me was an indescribable boost to my ego and self-esteem it is as you stated earlier though in different words nice to be wanted.

But I agree it is just so awkward the fantasy and the reality have collided and neither is clear. Neither is natural. Neither seems to make much sense. And the more we sit here and talk the more everything is just filling up, stretching out and I cannot keep up. I cannot do it."

Lucius admitted she could see the tension in his face. She knew that showing and expressing his thoughts and emotions was not easy for him and this was not a straight forward affair. There was nothing to do but remain in silence neither touching their tea that was now long cold she forgot to cast the charms to keep the tea warm and Lucius didn't seem to notice.

"Perspective is a funny thing."

Lucius said out loud his voice taking on a dreamy quality that was out of place coming from his lips breaking the heavy silence that had befallen them.

"In what way?"

Hermione replied it was not that she wanted to reply but answering or wanting Lucius to expand on his thoughts had become second nature to her and the more they sat in pathetic silence the more she was reminded of their first discussions in the familiar garden.

"We both admit that learning and even seeing the different sides of each other has changed how we view each other and is causing the conflicts with that which we are used to knowing and feeling about each other. But if we were both on the same side of war or you considered me truly reformed, if I truly had a redeeming feature or deed we would not feel so threatened or confused by each other."

She was about to answer with a throwaway line when her brain caught up with his delicate words and she froze the reply dying on her lips. It was true. She was such a hypocrite she could forgive him in theory, when they were acquaintances or back when they could pretend they were not friends, when they could pretend they did not find the other in some way desirable. But when it came to her personally when she as Hermione Granger had to decide if Lucius could be or should be forgiven she could not quite manage it. She felt wrong that she agreed on a philosophical level but not on a personal level.

"The transition would always be awkward. But I think you are right. I cannot lie to myself or you. It would be counterproductive and you are right when you say that our friendship is selfish that we are friends for ourselves rather than a kindness to the other. That we wanted someone or something to talk to that would reason and argue our way. We wanted someone who had been through the war to agree with our thoughts.

I can forgive you when we are strangers or when I can box you away and say you are not part of my personal life. But when you are a feature of my social life when I want to and do call you a friend you are a murderer and I find reasons to say that I should not forgive you. But it does not make a difference I cannot change the past."

She replied thoughtfully.

"Those are all valid points and I am able to admit that some of the issues you have I do not have to face as I know or rather believe that you have not committed acts as bad as I have. But maybe we feel this way because it has been conditioned into us from a young age that people who are bad do not and cannot deserve or find happiness and fulfilment. But war blurs those lines. War changes everything and you would not consider me a murderer if my victim was a Death Eater or if you did you would be able to overlook it because I would have been part of your side that I would have been part of the ideology you were conscripted into. Though in my better days I admit I can be more frank as I have to find some method of coping to avoid being consumed by my thoughts and my darker deeds.

Maybe it is time for us to stop talking and thinking about being not being able to conform and abandon our attempts to conform to society and what everyone expects from us and we should accept that we do not conform. Accept that we disagree with the notions that there is a difference between the deeds done and the outcome of said deeds. In reality there is no difference in the deeds just who ordered or who convinced you to perform said deeds to begin with. The essence of war is destruction and no matter who did it no matter what spell was used the result was suffering and death that after the blood was spilled and the dead buried there was no difference and there was no change. Maybe we should realise that the responsibility of us as survivors and that the legacy of those who fell is not that they fell, is not that Voldemort was defeated but that change must occur. That if we are to avoid another war and if we have to build something and dedicate something to the memories of such carnage of such tragedy then change is best we can do. Change and to honour those that fell and those who survived is the legacy. We must find something positive from the destruction or we will waste away our whole lives in the dark prisons of our own creation.

Change starts at home with us Hermione and maybe challenging our perceptions and non-conforming is part of the process."

Lucius said and Hermione felt herself roused by his words, she felt pride as she realised and agreed that peace and acceptance is not a tragedy that what they feel should not be ignored that peace and tolerance is what she fought for. That she suffered to create a better and different world and when she tried to do so she wanted to stop the process she wanted to cut herself off from the change. Thinking of their friendship in terms of what is represented and what happened to get to taking tea together as the whole journey rather than as snippets of conversation was a different perspective and the perspective made all the difference. Or it could have been that she had a new mask to hide behind that she could avoid her thoughts and their consequences but as Hermione thought this she realised that it was not true. That the awkwardness was still here, that their deeds had not gone away that their consequences were what they were examining and all they had done was try to survive. At the end of the day all you could do was live your life lest you insult everything you have ever done and whatever reason you have done it.

"Where do we go from here?"

Hermione asked, admitting her defeat and frustration as to how they change.

"Be what we want to be. Explore what we want to explore. Remember we are used to seeing and examining everything we do as bigger than it is because that is how we have had to perceive it. That yes there was a time when our deeds meant life or death for us or someone else. But this time there is just us. If we cannot remain friends, if our brief kisses go nowhere we are still Lucius Malfoy and Hermione Granger and no one suffered. What we do together really is insignificant."

Lucius replied then he checked his pocket watch and regretfully he had to depart leaving Hermione to think over what they were, who she thought and saw Lucius as and more importantly whether she liked what she saw. Whether she could live with what she saw.


	5. First Steps Along The Razor

**Not quite happy with the end of this chapter. Sorry if you think it's all too sudden (you will see what I mean if you read.) but do you really want another load of chapters where everything just meanders and wanders around in circles? I think this counts as an author's note but…**

**~8~**

**Chapter Five First Steps Along The Razor**

She sat on the bench in the garden the next day the buzz of bright happiness and optimism having faded and grown twisted within her war damaged mind. She was fooling no one she could never have the happiness she wanted because she did not deserve it. Lucius could make someone happy it was not her place to judge whether he deserved happiness in return but he could not waste his time on her. No one should ever waste their precious time and attention on her it was just better that way. Better for everyone and everything.

At One O'clock Lucius sat down next to her and the dark words simmering up inside of her spewed free from her mouth as each word left her lips the freer she was to become.

"I think perhaps I am not so much doomed to a life alone but that I have to live a life alone otherwise I shudder to think of the consequences of a life with me and other people."

Hermione said contemplatively with a hint of a dark resignation to and of her own innate flaws and the reflection of those flaws in others.

"That is not true. There is nothing you have done or could do that would warrant being alone. No one deserves to be alone and to live so completely in the dark. The flaws you see are nothing compared to the flaws I have and the deeds I have done."

He said sagely.

"I have a drive to change and do things coupled with a maniacal zeal matched by the late dark lord himself when I believe I am right. I tried to free the house elves against their will, I cannot list the number of times when my own beliefs and that one fundamental believe that I am right has trumped quiet wisdom."

"I repeat my earlier musings; nothing you have done deserves the fate you want to give yourself."

"How can you know that? What is there to stop me from becoming the monster I hate, have hated and hunted? What is there to stop me?!"

Hermione shouted so fearful of her potential future and of that innate potential that dwelled within her. So angry that no one could see the darkness growing inside of her, it was there why could he not see it. Why did he discard her words as meaningless?

"Because you are your own person and everyone is different."

Lucius said not a quiver or waver in his voice as he looked gently at the fearful and near hysterical Witch beside him on the cold stone bench.

"Maybe but deep down aren't all of us the same?"

She asked determined in her worked up state to pick fault and to blame herself for everything that happened and for the next calamity to fall the world. Determined that she was at her essence a bad person and she deserved the pessimism and the darkness that filled her life. Never able to find the way or the person to let in and try to restore the shining light if not of conviction then of life that she had snuffed out and lost. Lucius paused for a long time, his eyes flickered to the sides as they were want to do when he was nervous or faced with something he didn't know. She idly wondered and it was indeed only for one insignificant idle moment whether he realised he had a nervous tic.

"What do you want me to say?"

He asked kindly the strain of his exasperation and his confusion beginning to show on his brow in the form of a faint crease and in the tightening of his jaw.

"I don't know. I don't know if I want you to say anything."

She replied sighing in frustration. She balled her hands together tightly feeling almost nothing as her finger nails dug into the skin of her palms. What did she want him to say? Did she even want anyone to reply? No she wanted him to say something, she wanted him to know her darker side, and she wanted him and everyone else to acknowledge that which she knew to be true. She wanted everyone to know that she was not a nice girl, that she was a horrid human being capable of unspeakable things.

She simply looked around at her surroundings brown eyes dulled with her own sense of resigned sadness and the knowledge that she couldn't let her life be anything other than what it was because she knew however erroneous the thought really was that she deserved a worse fate than that she was given. She looked mournfully at her silent companion his brow creased in thought and he played absent minded with his fingers and a length of thread dangling from his fraying robe cuff.

"We. We are all more than capable of becoming monsters and all that we hate. It is in all honestly the easiest route to take. There are sometimes hard decisions to make even in the easy route but the solution to that problem is always easier than changing the course you are on. The hard route is to be who you want to be even if it upsets the status quo."

He paused to let his words sink in. She tuned and it was her turn to furrow her brow in thought at his worldly wisdom.

"In the end Hermione it all comes down to whether you do things because they are easy or because you want to. If you wish to take over the world go ahead and do it. But I know you have had enough of hate and enough of war. I know you will end up back here."

As she sat there the cold from the stone biting through her heavy robes and numbing the back of her thighs the world seemed to stop turning the moment his words stopped and she was left to reflect on his wisdom. He was right.

"Thank you."

She said.

"You're welcome."

~8~

Another day had passed it was just two days ago that she invited Lucius into her home and they had tea, two days and all she could think about was his departing piece his grand plan of not conforming to society. And the more she shuffled about living her existence the more she realised that change was never going to happen, the more she realised that the only change she would ever witness would be the changes she made herself. The more she spent time with Lucius post tea party the more she remembered their conversations in the garden, the little windows into their minds and to their desires. The more she admitted that she wanted Lucius that she wanted to kiss him, that the unusual warmth and lightness filling her body was pure desire the more she was convinced that change for the two of them was possible. That she was perhaps not as dead to the world and to her emotions as she once thought.

Feeling happier than she had done in days Hermione Apparated to London and walked the familiar steps to the Garden of Remembrance, the familiar creak as the Iron Gate easily opened with the lightest of touches from her hand. She settled down onto the stone bench and thought as she normally did shedding many a silent tear for those who died. She looked up when the gate creaked again and Lucius walked towards her not leaning quite so heavily on his walking stick as he did some days.

"I want to apologise."

He said solemnly

"For what?"

Hermione said wondering what he had done that needed an apology.

"For being a Death Eater, for letting everything happen. For being a pathetic snivelling spoiled boy who could not appreciate everything he had. For wanting glory, for wanting something that was mine. For growing into the bitter, cruel, vile Wizard who caused and wished so much harm on you and others."

Lucius spat hating every inch of himself.

"Please don't hate yourself it is in the past now and if I can see past the bitter, cruel, vile Wizard and find something worth wanting underneath you can to."

She whispered softly her fingers stroking the back of his hand not realising the other meanings to her choice of words.

"Nothing ever goes away."

He whispered his eyes growing wider in a mixture of shock and terror his body drawing in on itself his once tall imposing form seemed somewhat sunken and smaller, a lot smaller than it should be as he tried to shrink away from the world.

"I know Lucius."

She crooned softly. They sat in silence Hermione was unsure as to what if anything she should do eventually after worrying her bottom lip in thought she concluded that if Lucius wanted to talk she would listen, if he wanted silence she would give him silence.

"I just want the pain to stop."

He whimpered trying to screw himself into a ball on the bench. She was surprised by the admission and wanted to comfort Lucius it hurt her to see him so upset. And at that one point all her doubts over whether she considered Lucius a friend vanished before her eyes and turned into the image of the whimpering man with tears in his eyes trying to curl up next to her. How could she see Lucius as anything else? For all his deeds for all his words and thoughts Lucius was just a man. Just one lonely, lost middle aged Wizard with no place left in the world and country he loved so much. He was so far gone from the man of her past that maybe what he had done had paled to what exactly he had become. He let her see him at his lowest. Lucius Malfoy was crying over everything he had done and the people he had wronged. Remorse was as much redemption as deeds and thoughts. Hermione reached out and placed her hand firmly on his shoulder, Lucius did not respond so slowly she encouraged Lucius to move and slowly he rested his head against her chest his hot tears falling down her front.

"You're my friend and I hurt you so much."

He cried into the front of her robes, instinctively Hermione ran her fingers through his lank hair smoothing down the tufts and working out all the tangles. It was nice. There was no other way to describe it. And maybe just maybe perspectives had been changed for the better.

"I forgive you my friend."

She said a few tears forming in her own eyes.

~8~

Hermione came back as always the next day ready to talk with her friend for that was what Lucius was now a friend, a friend she wanted to get to know better. On time Lucius arrived and seated himself next to her she had deliberately moved across the bench before he arrived so their thighs would have to touch when he sat down.

"Good afternoon Hermione."

"Hello Lucius."

They were silent for a while as neither of them wished to talk about the war for them both their demons had been fought and banished even if it was just for the day.

"I don't have anything to talk about."

Hermione said.

And then she laughed. Hermione could not remember the last time she laughed but she could do nothing to stop the fit of laughter that had taken over her body and Lucius laughed too. It was a strange noise to hear the higher pitched laughter from Hermione and the deep laugh of Lucius echo throughout the garden but that was the truth. The truth was that for some reason the day just seemed brighter, the demons that once overwhelmed them lost their power they seemed little more than the flickering shadows of a candle.

"Why is it that yesterday seemed so bleak and today I can laugh and appreciate your leg against mine?"

Lucius asked seriously once the laughter dissipated.

"Because this is how life is meant to be. "

Hermione replied and it was although they would still have bad days and good days life was not about being crushed and overwhelmed by your past and your grief. Life was at the heart of it about living. Our memories are what keeps us near to our pasts and to those we lose but the past is just that in the past there is no way to change what has happened so we must move on and enjoy the gift we have been given.

"Your right…I think. I have spent so long in the dark so long feeling nothing but bleak black sorrow and pain; I spent so long reminding myself to live my life that I forgot to live. So long hating myself that instead of letting go of hate I was living hate and thinking hate every day."

He said slowly as his lips moved to form something of a half-smile.

"I think we are beginning to get past the war. I think we are getting over our grief and organising our thoughts. This is the first of many good and better days and I do not think I would be here if not for you my friend."

She said a glimmer of her old character and brightness coming back, Hermione and Lucius would never be the same they would never be able to rekindle what was lost and destroyed and there was no denying that they had changed. For change is part of growing up and growing older but as they had talked, as they had shared something changed. Somewhere along their journey to friendship they had found the acceptance and the peace of mind that they wanted. It was not from stirring philosophical speeches no matter what either of them thought but it was the camaraderie it was the sense that they were no longer alone in their thoughts and in their lives. For Hermione this epiphany seemed somewhat strange at first as she had friends but it was not who or how many friends you had it was the sense of being trapped and confined. The feeling of bone numbing isolation because your thoughts had left you alone not because no one else felt less attachment to you but because acceptance and grief is so personal and so unique that as her method did not mesh with that of her friends she was able to give into the darker side of grief. She was stuck and Lucius was stuck neither seeing how to escape the darkness they had not so much created for themselves but found themselves in. They had learned that for them to grieve and to move on they needed people and the perspectives of others to live our lives and to cope.

But today for the first time they were able to appreciate what they had, once they stopped over thinking, stopped living for the past they never had and was never truly there they could have the future. There was a future and it was as special and unique as the days that made the past and present the future is what we make of it. And those two battered old soldiers from a war they never wanted were finally able to see the way to make their future and to begin to close the doors to their own personal darkness. The doors would never completely shut and shadows would always lurk on the outer fringes of their minds but it was enough. Enough to move on and honour the lives of both themselves and their fallen friends and enemies.

"Would care to join me for a drink tonight? A toast to old friends and new friends?"

Hermione asked relaxing comfortably and enjoying the crisp freshness of the winter and the beauty of the garden.

"It is a beautiful garden isn't it?"

Lucius said peacefully watching as Hermione looked around taking in the mix of plants that ensured there were blooms for every season.

"It truly is Lucius."

She smiled, Hermione smiled a true contented smile and Lucius smiled back. He had long forgotten the last time he properly smiled but it felt right sitting with Hermione in the small slice of floral beauty in the heart of busy London. He turned slightly and leant across, kissing Hermione softly and briefly on the lips. A kiss not of friendship or goodbye but a kiss that spoke of new beginnings.

"I will gladly join you for a drink tonight Hermione."

Lucius said and she rested her hand over his arm and they sat peacefully admiring the wondrous beauty of nature even in winter that was all around them. The calming silence lost in the rapturous beauty around them was broken by the small click of Lucius opening his pocket watch and checking the time. He sighed heavily not a sigh of boredom or stress but one born of a good time having to come to an end. He returned the silver watch into a pocket deep within the folds of his black robes he fondly placed his hand over the one belonging to Hermione resting lightly on his arm.

"I have to go."

He said sadly smiling while looking into her eyes. Hermione smiled softly back and nodded once in understanding. Lucius rose and offered his hand to Hermione she blushed slightly as Lucius helped her up at a loss of what to do or say in return she smiled and Lucius smiled too. A hint of the boy he used to be present as his lips turned upwards and his hard uncompromising features softened.

~8~

Hermione busied herself for the remainder of the afternoon stocking up on nibbles and drink for the evening a smile that nothing could diminish or remove plastered on her face. But for the first time in what felt like forever she had something to smile about, for once in her life what she was worried about was entirely normal. She knew she had nothing to be nervous about Lucius was being a perfect gentleman and he had ample opportunity to take what he wanted if he was that way inclined but he hadn't. He was her friend though they both knew what they had and what they ultimately wanted from each other than far deeper than any friendship but so far it was enough. That anticipation of what more was to come was as rewarding and as pleasing as the deepest of romantic relationships.

She emptied the assortment of nibbles into her nicest of bowls the ones that were hidden in the back of the cupboard waiting for an occasion special or important enough to warrant their use. The few bottles of not inexpensive Muggle wine she packed away in her drinks cabinet with the rest of her collection of alcoholic beverages both Muggle and Magical. She slumped down onto her settee and glanced at the clock she had twenty minutes until Lucius was supposed to arrive. It was an awkward amount of time she thought as she tried to find ways to pass the last agonizingly tense twenty minutes. It was too much time to simply sit down and wait out but not really enough time to do anything in. She let out a cry of frustration. The waiting was killing her. What did she do when he arrived? What did they drink first? Did she move on to normal topics or did she prepare some ice breakers? Making a noise a cross between a scream and a growl she pulled at her hair annoyed with her over thinking mind that had now become fixated on just how awkward the evening could turn out to be.

She knew it was ridiculous really. Lucius was her friend he had visited her home before and they seemed to get on well enough but she did not really know anything about him. Not really she was sure he had an interest in reading not necessarily literature but reading none the less. Unsurprisingly all she really wanted was to chill and relax despite everything running and replaying in her mind. She had not felt so at peace for a long time and what she wanted was some music. Something with a rocky beat to it but she was unsure whether Lucius would enjoy her choice of music he did not seem like the sort of fellow to enjoy such nonsense. But that lead her back to her first thought and the problem she was trying to address, she did not know what Lucius liked or enjoyed.

She felt but did little to stop her body sliding down the settee in defeat. As she stayed there in an over analysing panicking lump on the carpet she was unaware that the seconds slowly ticked on and that she had succeeded in wasting twenty minutes. The sharp knock on the door stirred her from her thoughts with a jolt. In a whirlwind of panicked frenzy Hermione took care to check her appearance and tidy up her hair in the lounge mirror, smooth out and fluff the cushions before taking a calming breathe and stood in front of the door. Ignoring the nervousness that pushed her heart to beat faster and migrate its way up into her throat she carefully opened the door making sure not to throw it open in eagerness or open it too slowly and appear shy or nervous.

Hermione could not help but smile at the view that greeted her on opening the wood and glass door. Lucius was standing on her doorstep walking stick in hand with a bottle of red wine under one arm raising a quizzical eyebrow at the gargoyle ornaments sat around the doorstep in place of gnomes or other such curios. She coughed lightly to try and remind Lucius that the door was now open, turning a little too quickly Lucius span round he did not smile but he wasn't sneering. She took that as a good start to the evening.

"Ooh wine."

Hermione said before she could stop and think and realise her lips had decided to move of their own accord.

"May I come in?"

Lucius drawled his eyes slowly raking over Hermione's body still clad in Muggle jeans and blouse from her shopping trip instead of her usual robes. Seemingly ignoring her childish outburst over his evening gift.

"Err…Ye—yeah oh course. Sorry."

She said falling over the words still trying to plan the evening while living and absorbing what was currently happening. She moved aside and Lucius limped in gifting her with the wine as he passed he moved to the settees and sat himself down. Shaking her head and trying to focus on reality Hermione placed the bottle of wine on the old battered coffee table and summoned a corkscrew and two glasses with her wand. Willing her hands to stop shaking or stop shaking from nervousness at least she opened the bottle and left the wine to breathe unfortunately this meant she now had to deal with Lucius and she really, really did not know what she was going to do.

"Are these decorative or edible?"

Lucius asked pointing at the bowls of crisps and nuts on the table in front of him, she had to laugh. It was that or cry at how painful the evening currently was and she could not see any way to improve this black hole of social awkwardness.

"Have you ever heard of ornamental nibbles?"

Hermione asked stifling laughter at the very thought of ornamental peanuts.

"Well no but there is a first time for everything."

Lucius conceded helping himself to a handful of salted peanuts. Frustrated but more at herself than anyone or anything else Hermione decided to seat herself next to Lucius. She could not deny how much she enjoyed his presence next to her that afternoon. It was strange being here with Lucius, in the garden she felt so brave and they were kissing and neither wanting to leave the quiet bliss. But now they were back together and she was nervous and worried about sitting next to him. She was one step away from physically shaking and hyperventilating over the thought of touching Lucius. It was almost too much for her the transition she thought was going so well was really still at stage one. She was not as use to Lucius as she first thought.

Her line of thought would have continued if not indefinitely then at least to the point of hysterical break down if not for Lucius wrapping an arm across her shoulders. She could tell from the tic in his eyes and his level of general discomfort that he was not as at ease as his actions would leave her to believe.

"I feel like I'm back in the Slytherin common room."

Lucius admitted and Hermione had to smile at that comparison she did feel rather unprepared like she was a completely innocent and naïve school girl.

"I am ashamed in a way that us being here feels so strange when earlier in the garden being together was so natural, so appealing…"

She trailed off unsure as to what she really wanted to say and what she was trying to communicate across to Lucius.

"I do not think that strange is necessarily a bad thing."

Lucius responded choosing to examine what they were from a more philosophical perspective than the stressful and confusing lens Hermione was using as she thought about just what everything meant. If it even had a meaning to begin with.

"I agree."

She replied with a brief smile, getting use to the sense of awareness that came from knowing someone is sat next to you and feel of his arm across her slender shoulders.

"You know we can just talk here. Nothing important, nothing bleak. I just want to talk Hermione. I cannot remember the last time I just talked to someone. I do not know if I ever really did."

"If it all goes wrong I think I have enough libations here to destroy the memory."

They shared a small laugh and slowly the more Hermione realised that nothing had happened the more at ease she became. Lucius was her friend. Lucius was the man she very much wanted to kiss. She reached across the table for a handful of nuts. The whole evening was disarming in its domestic normality. But this was a good thing. This was a good day. This was the way life was meant to be.

Or so she kept reminding herself anyway.

"It's hard to leave it all behind though."

Hermione admitted after five minutes of them sitting in tense silence.

"It is."

Lucius sighed in agreement. Both of them stared wistfully at the bottle of opened red wine but neither wanted to cave in so quickly. Hermione's heart rate dropped. Nothing had happened. She wanted to laugh out loud how somehow the nervousness just fizzled out into nothingness. All Lucius had done was drape his arm across her shoulder and really it was rather tame. They were more adventurous in the garden than here. Here in her front room all though there was the very real fact that they knew little about each other they also could take more risks, they could do more. There was nothing wrong in them being sat together. Here in her home was her sanctuary it was what she fought for and if she wanted to entertain Lucius Malfoy she could. Feeling buoyed by a sense of general acceptance Hermione moved closer to Lucius her thigh resting against his.

She smiled shyly. Lucius moved his arm from her shoulders and pulled her body to rest against him. It may not be conversation but it was peaceful. Something about the comfort and tenderness that Lucius was showing her and she was showing him was so wonderfully familiar. The familiar was nice; it was the piece of drift wood to cling to in the great swirling sea of strangeness.

They just sat. Nothing more had to be said.

~8~

Minutes, hours later the exact amount did not matter all that mattered to Hermione was that it passed with the pair together on her settee. Lucius shifted and let out a muted hiss of pain, she did not know exactly what was bothering him but assumed it to be his leg.

"Would you mind terribly if we made a start on the rather delicious looking bottle of red and if I were to excuse myself?"

Lucius said politely his manners and indeed his age showing in his upper class accent it was almost comical but Hermione felt sure Lucius would be crushed if she were to laugh.

"Not all, hallway if you find yourself in a kitchen you have gone too far."

With a nod Lucius slowly pulled himself away from her and equally as slowly stood up grabbing his walking stick just in time as his knee gave way sending him falling towards the floor. She didn't say anything not because she was cruel or unfeeling but because it did not seem appropriate he was not in any danger. He steadied himself before he reached the ground and she knew it must be highly embarrassing for him. Especially when he was here to in his own damaged way to romance her. The last thing he wanted to do or she would want to do would be to come across as frail, old or pathetic. She knew Lucius was none of those things.

"When you return you will tell me the last book you read."

She called out to his retreating form taking the initiative to turn the evening into something aside from familiar and yet strange to something friendly and something she would want to do again. Needing something to occupy her twitching hands Hermione poured the deep red wine in to each glass; she picked up her own glass and inhaled the heady aroma. She was not an expert at wine, her age was a draw back in that regard but she knew from the complex aroma that it was not a bottle of cheap plonk. She was unsure how she felt about that. On one hand she could guess that Lucius was use to better things and obviously brought a bottle he himself would enjoy but money always made her feel uncomfortable. Not because she had none but because she had neither too little nor too much. She was not rich or poor left to straddle the two camps somewhat uneasily.

The door wobbled and Lucius limped back into her front room retaking his place next her. She moved and pressed herself against his side. He made a noise of acknowledgement and moved an arm so it rested around her. His body stiffened and not from surprise, he had a look about him. The same down cast dejected look he often wore in the garden all that was missing was his eyes darting from side to side or his fingers idly fiddling with his robe cuff. She tried to think about what could have put him in such a mood but concluded that Lucius was perhaps not having as a good day as she was. That something in the depths of his mind was causing her friend such unease and discomfort.

"What's wrong? You don't have to stay Lucius I won't be offended if you want or need to leave early."

"Everyone thinks I am either a brute and a bully or a lone figure of cold formality. Even you do not know quite how to respond to me. Even my own friend has little desire to talk to me."

He said slowly voice low.

"I'm sorry you feel this way Lucius, I do want to talk to you I just haven't figured out what we should talk about. I'm still trying to realise we are not in the garden anymore."

She replied her voice soft as she encouraged Lucius to lean more into her as she moved an arm and rubbed his sides in what she hoped was a comforting gesture. The corners of his lips moved slightly she was used to him not quite managing a smile.

"So books?"

He asked a short time later.

"Books."

Hermione said with a smile.

They broke apart and settled into a more comfortable silence as they sipped at their wine and thought about the large numbers of books they have read.

"That's easy, the adventures of Sneck."

Lucius left no room for doubt or debate.

"The adventures of Sneck?"

"Yes, they're a long running series of books about the globetrotting and danger magnet Wizard called Sneck. He has been everywhere jungles, mountains you name it he has been there, seen it and done it."

"Sounds…intriguing."

Hermione spoke carefully as not to offend Lucius who was clearly rather taken with the titular character.

"Well you know they while a way a few afternoons."

Lucius added toning down the exuberance and trying to appear more highbrow instead of a connoisseur of cheap pulp adventure novels. His face showing the first signs of embarrassment which she guessed for Lucius was equivalent to full blown embarrassment. Hermione had the good decency to feel slightly ashamed about her reaction it was not that she meant harm she was just surprised to his honesty. But the more she thought about it the more she should be used to receiving if not complete honesty then something akin to it from Lucius.

"I don't think I am in much of a position to judge anyone's reading habits. I myself prefer really cheesy preferably period set whodunits and equally bad Science Fiction."

"Science?"

He blurted out his curiosity getting the better of him.

"You know what Muggles have to compensate for a lack of magic, Science Fiction is stories written about impossible or made up Muggle machines, society and science done to either provoke thought or purely as a means of storytelling."

He nodded in understanding.

"Does the lack of magic bother you?"

He asked trying to be neutral as he was not insulting her or her heritage just intrigued by this new world and new experiences that were waiting literally under his nose.

"Not really, I was reading Science Fiction before Hogwarts it's I suppose as much as my heritage and escapism as the adventures of Sneck are to you."

She replied.

"I think I understand and on that note I believe we both need more wine, preferably much more."

He stated brightly pouring another two generous glasses.

"Am I that bad company?"

She asked part joke and part latent insecurity.

"Neither but it has been so long since I have had a proper Friday night. I may even have still been a wet behind the ears lad the last time I properly celebrated Friday."

They both laughed and chinked glasses in cheers. Lucius took a good swig and she was not convinced even tasted or appreciated the wine he was drinking. Never one to let a friend drink alone Hermione took a large gulp of her own wine and before either one knew it both their glasses were empty and she was rather at peace with Lucius being in her home. Hermione was happy, Lucius was happy. Hermione decided that this natural peace that had for whatever reason eased the evening was a good reason to get up and raid the drinks cabinet in the corner of the front room. If they were going to have a Friday night then they were going to do it right. As she bent down and bustled around in the cupboard looking for the long forgotten bottle of Vodka Lucius while admiring the way her jeans slid down exposing the pale flesh of her back and the very tops of her knickers shoved a hasty hand within the pockets of his own robes. Slowly fiddling while watching Hermione he found and removed a dented, tarnished silver tobacco tin.

Hermione turned and quirked an eyebrow at the tobacco tin Lucius placed on the table intrigued she flicked her wand and summoned the shot glasses from her small galley kitchen to the front room and placed with a dull thud the bottle of Vodka on the coffee table. She smirked and Lucius smirked. As he opened his tin and turned his attention to the contents she poured two good sized shots of Vodka. The first she picked up as she sat back on the settee the second she pushed in front of Lucius.

"On three."

She said brightly raising the shot glass to her lips.

"One, two… THREE!"

Lucius counted and on three both knocked back the burning, cheap Vodka slamming the empty shot glass down onto the table proving they had both downed the shot. Lucius pulled out of the tin a small packet of what looked like to Hermione Rizzlers. The thing was his tobacco did not actually smell like tobacco.

"A very mild sedative relaxes the muscles and the mind."

Lucius said not defensively but certainly in that wonderfully leading way that made want to experiment with what she was sure was a form of herbal high. Confused over what exactly was dried, shredded and carried in his tobacco tin she nodded curiously hoping she would get to find out. The Vodka and wine was making everything seem that much easier. Not seeing a reason not to she cuddled tightly against Lucius and placed a small kiss on his cheek.

He tried to flex his fingers and open the packet of cigarette papers but frowned as his fingers refused to cooperate deciding to stick together instead of bending and generally doing what Lucius wanted them to do. He growled in frustration.

"I can't do it Hermione. I can't move my fingers enough to make cigarettes."

He whined his voice and features showing mirth at the situation but she knew he was one step away from hysteria. Two large glasses of red wine and well over a shot of Vodka seemed to be working a little too well for both of them. She felt for Lucius though, denied something as simple as the use of his own fingers, she wondered if it affected his ability to perform wandless magic.

"Let me. You tell me what to do and I'll roll in return you share your fags."

She said confidently and Lucius threw back his head and laughed. The manic old Wizard was sat on her settee a little tipsy from wine and Vodka laughing over her offer to roll spliffs for him.

"That my dear girl is exactly what I love most about you."

And the evening passed with them drinking shots, Hermione wall bangers (a drop of everything in the drinks cabinet in one shot glass) and getting ever so slightly stoned.


	6. Accidents Make The Heart Grow Fonder

**Chapter Six Accidents Make The Heart Grow Fonder**

The weeks passed and celebrating Friday night did become something of a routine for them not every week but most weeks never at the Manor though. Neither was quite ready for that step. Lucius entered the garden and Hermione was sat deep in thought he took his spot silently knowing the ire that boiled up when you were distracted from the important thoughts within the chasm like depths of your mind. She looked up eventually the background prickle that she was no longer alone penetrated the thick fog of thought and she turned to look at Lucius. It was no day for smiles and jokes. He squeezed her hand a faint gesture that he was aware of her and he cared however hollow the gesture may seem to her.

"How do you get here each day?"

She asked her voice slow. She was beyond caring but she needed something. Anything. To distract her from the mire of thoughts that were plaguing her mind and the torturous tremors that were destroying her body. She knew that the gloom was temporary but it also seemed like the light and her best friends were so far away. Her light was right next to her, her sense of belonging right next to her. But Lucius might as well be sat on Mars for all the good his presence was doing for her.

Right now she was just so confused Harry, Ron all her old friends no longer felt quite right anymore. She no longer felt like she was home around them, the sense of belonging they use to give her had vanished in the dark of night. The more she was around them the more they seemed to disagree it was little things but what she once found endearing she now found worn and old. She found Ron and the rest of the Weasley clan more bigoted more… more like Lucius than Lucius was these days. She was scared, her world was crumbling to dust and she did not know why. She wanted Lucius to mean something to her but he now seemed to mean too much. He was like an addiction, a disease and he had infected her very core. But she found herself not minding. That was the most terrible part of the whole sorry play, she liked it. She liked the sense of true completion, she liked their new friendship, she liked an adult relationship where she did not see her friend as an awkward elven year old. She had a friend she no longer connected with the war. Lucius meant home, happiness, completion. They were similar but different. Different but not impossible.

"I'm class one disabled. My mobility problems entitle me to create unlimited portkeys to Ministry approved locations. Flooing can be tricky and is very restricted and apparition difficult to do while seated or incapacitated."

He said disgusted by his physical weakness.

"You have no wand."

She pointed out not to hurt but to keep the focus away from her thoughts, to move her focus home.

"Draco's is not a good fit, in all honesty it is very hard work but it gets the job done."

He added not able to look Hermione in the eyes they fell into well practiced silence as the fruits of spring bloomed around them.

"Lucius?"

Hermione asked.

"Yes?"

He answered a little gruffly.

"Why does meeting you here feel like coming home?"

She asked for once in her life at a complete loss and hating herself and everyone around her for feeling this way. A sense of drowning, of falling but not being able to do a damned thing to stop it.

"I wish I knew Hermione. I wish I knew."

He whispered not sure that Hermione could hear him.

~8~

A day passed in dark memories and twisted thoughts, it was not bleak and dark from the memories of what they had done but because of what they each felt now. It was different, unexpected and it should for both of them be unwanted but it was not. Their worlds were falling apart brick by brick but each brick became the foundations of something new, something they both wanted but could not find the words to say. As they spent more time together it became harder for Hermione to spend her time away it was reaching the point where she could not find the words or the thoughts for what she wanted to say nor for what she wanted to feel but it was so hard to make it through another day. It was not philosophy or memories that were constricting and slowly suffocating her, but new emotions, new thoughts, hopes and fears.

They sat in silence that day for an hour. Each one casting quick looks at the other a whole tirade of words and entire memorised speeches sat on their tongues waiting for their chance. Waiting to be released into the world and into the ears of the one sat next to them. But for an hour neither could take that step. It was their leap of faith and both Hermione and Lucius were unsure if their wants and their desires were quite enough to survive the fall. Eventually something gives. Eventually every string reaches its breaking point.

"Everything has changed hasn't it?"

Hermione asked breaking the silence it was not quite the words sat on the tip of her tongue but it was close enough.

"In what way?"

He countered.

"We are no longer strangers bound by grief; we are no longer mere non conformists. We are not Hermione Granger and Lucius Malfoy anymore."

He let out a long sigh and gripped the head of his walking stick tightly.

"War changes people. But that's not quite true. Life changes people. The war did not change us how we dealt with the war did. Neither of us are children anymore."

He let out a bitter laugh.

"We both grew up."

His simple words hung heavily in the cool spring air.

"I don't know who I am anymore. I am no longer the Hermione Granger who is friends with two awkward elven year olds at boarding school."

She said fiddling with a stray curl of hair.

"The best part of my freedom and of HIS destruction is I can finally be who I want to be. I can be the man I've always wanted.

I do not know who or what I want to be. I never gave it much thought. I'm a vegetarian Hermione. For anyone who knows me it would seem odd, I spent many hours in my youth fishing and hunting but I can't do it. I cannot take another life. What once seemed so instinctive so right now is wrong to me. I look at fish and I know if I continue it will die and I cannot see a difference between the fish and my human victims. The cold clinical fashion of their dispatch is no different. I killed people the way I killed fish or did I kill fish the way I kill people? I cannot justify killing a fish, rabbit, buck or bird any more than I could justify killing you. Not when I can survive happily on plants and dairy. I cannot be the cool aloof politician, even when I tried it got me nowhere. I realise now that I am different to my father. I will never be my father the time for him and his ilk is gone and the time for Lucius the younger has gone. The man I want to be is pleasant. I just want to stay with my family and friend. I want to be happy.

But no one knew me. My whole life was just a construct for other people, a way for other people to be happy.

But what do I do now? Who am I?"

Lucius said. Tears were filling Hermione's eyes as he spoke with such darkness and such sadness over who and what he was. It did not escape her notice he used friend in the singular.

"The best revenge and the best reward are one and the same. Live well. And live well we shall. You will be the man you want to be and I will be the Hermione Granger I want to be."

There was no room for doubt in her words even if the darkness and the inflection of her speech left something to be desired in that regard. Lucius turned and for a long while just looked at Hermione. His grey eyes softening as they focused solely on her face and her brown eyes rested on his high aristocratic features worn by worry, time and war.

Gently he pressed his lips against hers his hand stroking her cheek and then he pulled back.

"This is not the musings of two lost souls anymore. We are beyond the point where I try to scare you off. Before though neither of us were serious. It was a game to see how far we could go, how far we would go.

We have a reality now. We are real now."

His words flowed around her, she thought back to a time when she squeezed his flaccid dick through the fabric of his robes. He was not real then. Lucius was still an idea, a mental exercise. It was the wanderings of two lost minds confused by acceptance and friendship, it was two people trying to come to terms with their attraction and neither knowing what to do or how to go about it. Today they are a couple.

"We are real now."

She whispered.

~8~

He kissed her cheek when they met the next day. It was just Lucius who spoke that day and only one solitary line but they both knew the weight his words carried. For him to ask was such a turning point and if she was to accept she was to accept him. All of him.

"Come to tea on Sunday."

~8~

Lucius had invited her to tea on the Sunday she never asked what was so special about Sunday but she agreed none the less. She stepped through the Floo into what looked like was at one point a study, a heavy dark wood desk sat pushed back against the far wall the thin layer of dust she could see catching the light from the window and the fire was unnerving. The desk had not been used in sometime a higgledy mesh of settees and a large wing backed chair surrounded the ornate fire place she had just stepped out of, a few antique tables filled the remaining space. The tables had the look of once being well cared for and oiled but now they were scratched and beginning to wear the room looked lived in and comfortable.

It was not what she expected from the Malfoy family and she wondered if this was some form of storage space but the shoes and socks left carelessly on the floor told a different story. The lived in creases of the settee told a different story. She realised then that the memories of the Manor lived on in both of them. She dimly recalled him telling her that this was his home as much as it pained him to hate his ancestral pile it was his and he would learn to live with the silent terror housed within. She wondered if he had holed himself up in one small part of the manor a final refuge for his terror twisted mind.

But the dust and warm domestic nature of the room struck an unsettling chord within her; she expected immaculate cleanliness the cold informality she witnessed briefly during her one visit in the war. He did not seem like the type of man to allow his home to fall in such disrepair and all the House Elves she knew of would have heart attacks if they did this to their master's abode. Why did they let him do this to himself? Why did Draco let him live like this.

In all her musings she had missed the point that Lucius was nowhere to be seen. She called the address she was given and stepped out of the right Floo grate so why was she here all alone? The room was unnerving she would of preferred coldness to domestic warmth it made it easier to deal with the Manor in her mind. She had little desire to see more of the Manor so primly Hermione took a seat on the comfortable settee that seemed to of been broken more than once and someone had long given up repairing it. She waited.

Her eyes flickered around the room logging every small detail and trying to avoid looking at the carriage clock sat on the desk facing out to the room but she relented after what seemed like years of nervous and painful silence. It had been twenty minutes and no one had come to greet her or inform her that Lucius was running late. It gave her time to think but it was too hard. So much of her energy was going in to not being afraid of the Manor of not giving Bellatrix the satisfaction that she would live her life in fear. If she wanted to be with Lucius she would have to accept that the Manor was as much a part of him as her teeth and bushy hair was to her.

An hour passed and instead of feeling bored Hermione felt something else. She knew this was not right she could not shake the feeling in her bones and in the pit of her stomach that something was tragically wrong with Lucius. He was never late. She swallowed harshly she wanted and knew she would have to find Lucius she tried to shake the images of finding him at the bottom of the stairs unconscious at best his body twisted and contoured into impossible angles at worse. But she was rooted to her spot on the broken settee in the broken study because she was at Malfoy Manor and no matter what she tried the memories of that day in the drawing room were replaying on one long perverted loop. She could hear the manic cackling; feel the sharp blade of the knife as it cut her flesh the burning of her nerves from the Cruciatus and the smell of the death and her own blood.

Tears slipped down her cheeks she was going to let Lucius down he could be in agony or dying for all she knew and fear kept her confined to the study that as much as she found herself caring for the old Death Eater it was dead Death Eaters that trapped her in the cold confines of remembered fear. Her body shook from the ghost pains of remembered torture and of the awful sinking feeling that something terrible had happened to Lucius. She felt the hot tears cascade down her cheeks. She tried to find her courage but it was to no avail. She was trapped in her head her lips forming silent screams as Bellatrix just kept coming as she was trapped in a shadow world where there was no last minute rescue from Dobby. A world where there was only pain.

She let out a pain scream and tried to focus as the world around her span, the colours a putrid swirl that made her want to vomit her head aching and unable to focus on a single point. The pain was becoming more and more unbearable. That manic cackle louder and more demented as she lost more blood and more screams were plucked from her fragile half-starved body. She was on the floor she was gritting her teeth and holding on for dear life when she so weighed down by what was happening she gave up. She let the last breath of life flee her body and hoped she could find peace at last.

She opened her eyes, the lids were heavy and she was lying awkwardly on a hard floor she looked around and she was still in the broken study. Nothing happened. Breathing hard and fast she cleaned her robes and the already stained and fraying carpet of her vomit and stood up. Her legs were still shaking but she managed and slowly she walked to the study door. Her hand reached out and wrapped around the cold metal of the door knob with a slow twist a click echoed throughout the silent room and the door creaked open. It opened out onto a dark hallway it took her eyes a long while to adjust there was no light but a few ornaments all covered in a thick layer of dust stood against the walls the floor sticky with stains and dull from a lack of polish. It was terrifying.

Unsure of what to do or where she was going Hermione looked up and down the hallway she saw what looked like to be the banisters of a great sweeping stair case and decided to put her mind at ease and head in their direction. She cast a Lumos with her wand it was too dark even in the dimpsy winter light to see where she was going she looked at the stains on the floor, they were food. Drops of gravy, tea and milk splashed on the floor she thought it wise to follow the signs of life so she followed the splashes of food to the stair case. If it were not so dark and she not so worried about Lucius Hermione would almost appreciate the large ornate marble stair case that swept down from the lower levels and onto the wide entrance hall. She closed her eyes and tried to prepare herself for the worst.

Quickly she wretched her yes apart and her hand went to her chest.

There was no body. Whatever misfortune had befallen Lucius it did not come from the stairs. Relieved and terrified in equal measures she checked the ground for more splatters and sure enough the trail lead up the stairs. She recalled that Lucius had no wand so Apparation was out of the question. In her fearful haste she had no time to contemplate the slob like nature of Lucius's current life in Manor. Quickly she took the stairs two at a time and arrived on another dark and dusty hallway.

She lowered her wand and found her trail leading off to her right. Carefully wary of what she might find she followed and came to stand in front of a normal door. All the splatters ended here and Hermione concluded that behind this door was Lucius's bedroom a fact helped by the light shining out from underneath. Her hand shook as she grasped the handle she strained her ears and low murmurs of pain could be heard coming from the room relieved Lucius was alive she hurried about pushing down the handle. It creaked loudly and she opened the door.

Of all the things it was the smell that hit her first and a glance at Lucius revealed why he was sprawled on his back on top of the bed covers clad in a rather stained nightshirt. It was an unpleasant smell one of the sweat and sick that stained the front of his shirt and of the urine staining the shirt that fell down well past his groin. His eyes were bleary and it became apparent that Lucius had been in this state for a number of hours. Lucius could not move and from the sounds of it his whole body was in agony. She pushed away all thoughts of how disgusting Lucius was and how filthy the large bedroom was stains of food on the floor and covers, clothes screwed up in the corner and robes hanging rumbled on the outside of the wardrobes and over the backs of chairs and dressers to dry. The smell was awful but Lucius was alive.

Screwing her courage to sticking place Hermione whispered Nox the light from the main light hanging on the ceiling was more than enough to show more than she wanted to see of the squalid bedroom. She cast cleaning charms on Lucius and the room then air freshening charms to remove the smell, she knew Lucius must be feeling awfully embarrassed or would be if he were conscious enough at the moment she had no idea what was wrong and just how bad it was. She knew he would appreciate being examined while clean instead of in a pool of his own bodily fluids.

"Lucius can you hear me?"

She asked softly trying to coax an answer from Lucius without overwhelming him too much.

"Hermione?"

He asked his voice hoarse and his eyes blinking blearily trying to focus on the image of her standing beside his bed. She noticed he was cuddling up with a deep green pyjama shirt she wondered if it was Draco's.

"I know it hurts but I need you to tell me what's wrong okay?"

She said her voice reassuring while being on the firm side.

"Hurts. Everything hurts so much."

He whimpered his large frame trembling from whatever pain was filling his body.

"Is there anything I can do?"

The sense of panic and urgency filling her words and the prospect of just what and how could be wrong with Lucius.

"Medically no. Could you stay here a while?"

His voice low and unsure his features what he could control that was not contorting in pain that is looked unsure as to whether he was overstepping the mark but Hermione did not care she was relieved that Lucius was going to alright. It was an attack. A major one but Lucius would live, a reminder to her that torture never goes away and just how much damage the war still inflicts on them. On the bed sprawled in pain Lucius may as well be being tortured again the pain was the same and the sense of weakness of sorrow was still the same. Carefully Hermione eased herself down on to the mattress next to a cleaner Lucius she pulled a few strands of the lank hair stuck to his brow from sweat away. For a while they lay there on the bed it was not as awkward as Hermione first thought. They were together and he was accepted. She would take Lucius as he was even if at the moment he was moaning from indescribable pain. This was not too soon, after everything they had both seen and done nothing in life would be too soon, if you let even the faintest gleams of happiness slip through your fingers you will regret it for the rest of your life. If you never take the chance you will never be happy. You will never be you.

~8~

She sat there in the Garden on the Monday and wondered what Lucius reaction to her would be. She invaded his inner sanctum yesterday and witnessed him when he was at his lowest, she had seen him vomit on himself and wet himself while moaning in pain. She thrust her compassion on him and wondered if her care and her almost love for Lucius was too much too soon. At One O'clock Lucius arrived he lowered himself down on to the bench she could tell he was still in pain and ideally he should be in bed but it was not her place or her job to coddle him. Lucius was a grown man and could do as he pleased.

"Thank you for yesterday."

He said his voice low and his head bowed never daring to catch her face. She did not give him a reply there was no need to and Lucius knew that.

"There are no more elves. HE killed them all as punishment."

Lucius uttered under his breath an air of sadness filling him and immediately Hermione knew why the study was broken, the hallways covered in dust and food stains and why his bedroom was a dank pit of squalor. Lucius had no wand there was no way he could look after the whole Manor. After years of expecting service at both home and school Lucius had no way of coping with or any idea as to how to look after himself. She swallowed she felt awful that those poor little creatures died from Dobby's final hour heroics that she would never forget. She vowed to always remember those unknown little elves that paid the ultimate price for something they probably did not understand.

They spent the remaining time in silence so much had happened in the space of twenty four hours and in their week as a whole that they both needed time to think and to take everything in.

~8~

He raised an eyebrow she wasn't here. It was Tuesday and Hermione had failed to come to the garden. He sat himself down on the rough stone bench and sighed running his hands through his hair he always knew this day would come. He knew she would see that she could do far better than him as both a friend and a lover though in truth they never got to know each other as lovers. He had been looking forward to that. He enjoyed the way she wanted him and he took what he could get and now he had his fill and she was gone. It was back to just him and Draco.

Lucius sat in sadness as he reflected on the brief time that he and Hermione had shared together he remembered back to just a few days ago when she found him and made sure he did not need the attention of a healer. He asked her to stay and she did but now he was just too much for her. Their past was just too much for her. He balled his fist and let out a wounded sound. He missed his friend, he missed her more than he would ever let her know only he never told her they were friends. Or rather he did not think he told her they were friends his mind was still a bit fuzzy.

He took out his pocket watch and checked the time not that it really mattered to him it was a weekday and without Hermione he had very little to do and precious little to look forward to. He considered visiting her home to check that everything was alright, she took the liberty of visiting his bedroom and taking his lateness as a silent cry for help and he was glad of the comfort and glad to be cleaned. He let out a low ragged breath and rubbed his temples with his fingers it was all a smokescreen he really wanted to go to her home and say goodbye. If he were a braver man if he were a better man he would plead his case, show her just how much they had in common and just how perfect for her he was. The side that was the man he wanted to be was begging him to go but his decent side the side that dealt with the aftermath of everything told him to go home. To go back to his squalid hole.

He sat for a few moments longer debating over what he should do when he shrugged his shoulders and realised he had nothing to lose by visiting her nothing could happen that would be worse than the existence he already had. He picked a squashed can of Muggle drink up from the floor it had been deposited here by the wind and he rummaged about in the sleeve of his robes and pulled out Draco's new wand. A foreign maker it did not sit well with his magic but he could just about convince the wand to do what he needed it to do. With a whispered spell he turned the Muggle rubbish in to a portkey he knew where Hermione lived it was just a matter of travel. Yes he could use his portkey to Manor and fly to her home but he was not sure his aching limbs could manage the journey.

He held onto the portkey and felt the now familiar sensation of travel and he appeared on Hermione Granger's door step the house was not isolated she lived amongst Muggles but it was out of the way enough for her needs. Taking a deep breath and tidying up his flustered appearance Lucius rapped his knuckles on the door.

There was no answer.

He should have known it was the height of stupid to come here and try but something intrigued him about the little button to the side of the door. He ignored his curiosity and on a whim because you know in for a Knut in for a Galleon he peered through the window she was not there. Hermione was not downstairs. He bit his lip in thought why did she not come to the garden there was no signs that she visited early and left early if she was out her errand could surely wait like they normally did. Rubbing his sore leg he limped around the side of her house to see if Hermione was in the garden. There was nothing. Again he looked through the window and again there was nothing.

He did not like the nervous feeling boiling up inside of him, he knew this feeling he often considered it his sixth sense a sense of knowing when you or someone you care about is in danger. He swallowed and wondered if she was stuck in her bed unable to move, paralysed from an attack it made sense unlikely as she was tortured far less than he was though she was starved to almost death. He was torn. On one hand Hermione was his friend and she could need help or at least comforting but on the other she could want to be alone she may have decided never to have anything to do with him again. He wanted to enter he really did but no doubt the wards would prevent him entry. But what did he have to lose?

He withdrew Draco's wand and focused on the wards surrounding the house, it took a lot of his concentration and a lot of his energy but he managed it, he managed to convince the wards to let him through. He did not want to destroy her wards as much as it pained him to admit it but they were far superior to anything he could do or break. With shiver of fear he reached for the handle. He closed his eyes and braced himself for impact. Nothing happened he was successful. He tried to move the handle but it was locked a simple charm and the door clicked opened. He hoped it was the last piece of magic he would have to do it was rather taxing he was unsure as to whether he could manage a wandless summoning charm let alone anything else when he got home.

Focus he chastised himself. Mind firmly back on the matter at hand Lucius stared blankly at the stairs before deciding that as improper as it would be to explore her home uninvited she was not downstairs. The bottom stair creaked as he raised an aching leg and stood on the stairs. Carefully he managed to coax his battered body into walking up the stairs. He tried the first door he saw. Bathroom no good, second door a study still no Hermione. The third door and final door was her bedroom or so simple deduction told him at any rate. Heart beating furiously in his throat both from nervousness and exertion he gently pushed the door open.

Hermione was laying in her bed under the covers a look of pure unadulterated fear on her face or rather in her eyes her face looked odd he waited for her to reach for her wand but she did not. She just stared at him in abject fear. Her brown eyes blinked slowly and her expression did not change her eyes lightened when she realised who he was. She looked relieved but scared in the way a child does when they are scared from a nightmare but have their father there to comfort them.

"Lucius?"

She asked her speech was slurred not from being drunk but because her mouth did not seem to be able to respond.

"Yes it's me."

He replied stepping ever closer to the bed trying to get a better look to work out what was wrong.

"Numb."

She managed to say without too much slurring and he pulled the chair from the vanity table to the side of her bed and lowered himself down gingerly trying not to wince or show he was in pain. He knew what was wrong and he was never happier to see anyone in pain unable to move. She did not leave him and that was one of the best feelings he could remember. She wanted his friendship, his intentions she accepted without wincing she was one of the most amazing, intriguing and special people he could ever remember meeting. He was not sure he deserved it the memories of a thousand sins and a thousand tears he had shed a hundred times before filled his thoughts and his eyes. But seeing one so young, seeing his friend, seeing the Witch who saw his very soul and decided that there was something of worth inside in such pain was killing him. His heart hurt but he choose to ignore it. Baby steps he chastised himself. He reached out and held her small bony hand in his.

It was an odd after effect from Cruciatus torture there was so much stimulation in her nerves from pain that it had overloaded her body she was physically numb unable to feel anything the nerves not able to register normal sensations having become too use to the sheer number of sensations hitting them from an after attack.

"I do not know how comforting you find my presence but I can stay if you wish it."

He said not wanting to impose or embarrass the girl further.

"Sit."

She said and he lifted his frame onto the double bed and was thankful to be able to stretch out his long legs he lazily put an arm round her shoulders she tried to smile weakly the thought was there. Even though she could not feel his arm he made her happy. Through darkest thoughts and soaring highs they were together through thick and thin, best and worst.

We are real.

~8~

"I do not think there was ever or will be a man I have hated as much as Albus Dumbledore."

Hermione said her finger nails digging into her palms as she balled her fists in anger all of which directed at the memory of a dead man who even in death had to destroy so many lives. It was the day after Lucius found her in her bed.

"I can think of at least one."

Lucius muttered darkly not quite sure as to whether he wanted Hermione to hear him or not.

"I know what you're thinking Lucius. But my hate is still reserved for Dumbledore alone. His idea of stopping the mad Wizard was to leave us a wild goose chase. He knew the darker side of Tom Riddle and did nothing he never showed the memories of his visit to orphanage to anyone too proud and thinking he was oh so clever when maybe things could have changed for the better. For years he sent different young men and I suspect young women home to horrific abuse. Abuse he and the other staff members should have spotted.

He made a poor destroyed man kill him. He let Voldemort happen and to stop it he just threw men and woman little more than children into the fight. He let the racism happen at school he was the fucking headmaster and he let it happen. He let children like you and Draco believe such horrific things he let you be taken in and destroyed by a force of pure evil. I could forgive him the first time I could forgive him for destroying your generation you could consider it a general's mistake that next time it would be better.

But it wasn't. I read about the first war before coming to school it amazed me how Draco and the other students were allowed to get away with such prejudice and hold such beliefs. That as an educator as the man in the best position to build a better society to prevent a resurgence of blood politics he sat back in his tower content with letting prophecy take its course.

Prophecy is bullshit Lucius. It does not predict the future men are convinced by the power of prophecy and create the future themselves. Men choose their fate, our paths are not predefined we make our choices we make the world we want."

Hermione raved and spat on the ground in front of her, Lucius sat quietly unsure as to how he could respond to such an outburst.

"You need not find any excuses for me."

He said his voice low as he gripped the head of his walking stick tightly.

"I'm not. We all have choices but I feel that yours were somewhat limited that it would have been harder for you to escape than it should have been."

Neither could respond and neither wanted to. This talk was perhaps not a long time coming but was one that was definitely needed. She understood and he understood. They knew each other and the reasons for their pasts. They did not need or want such needless waste and destruction define their futures. They were no longer bit players to someone else's life.

~8~

The following day passed the same as those that went before it, the pair visited the garden talking and thinking as each saw fit. They got up to leave and Lucius walked her along the path her hand on his arm. He opened the gate and together they walked as equals into their new world.

"I wish to court you Hermione."

Lucius said raising her hand to his lips.


	7. A Soldier's Romance

**Ok folks I know that Chapter Five was not a great Chapter but it did serve to help move things on a bit or that was the plan anyway. But two reviews for three chapters one being for Chapter Five is a bit of let-down. But wait zxxyxxz I hear all of you cry maybe not many people have read your fic. Yesterday was the best day ever for In The Garden. I don't want to be the author that begs for reviews at the start of every chapter but guys just a few words to let me know how you think the story is going. Reviews make authors happy and let me know that maybe you aren't all reading this fic because it's like a car crash and you can't just look away.**

**~8~**

**Chapter Seven A Soldier's Romance Part I**

"Fear and self-reflection are very powerful things I have always known the hows and whys of fear but self-reflection is a new trick on me. I do not know which I dislike most."

Lucius said his voice low and cautious as it normally was when he was being serious or honest.

"You cannot let your life be run by fear."

Hermione pointed out not very helpfully though there was little else she could do other than listen.

"I know. Oh how I know. But every time I sit in the quiet I remember everything I have ever done. Both the good and the bad. But I do not feel that surge of respect and self-satisfaction I used to get remembering if the not the better but certainly the more creative achievements of my life. Now I just feel the jagged jaws of guilt tearing and eating away at me from the inside out."

He trailed off, his eyes following an insect flying around in front of them.

"Words of sympathy are of little comfort but my thoughts are there and true if not pure. It is not and will not ever be my place to judge, I can though listen if you want me to."

She said her voice sagging sadly.

"I am scared Hermione. I do not know if I want there to be a next life or not. I do not want this to be the absolute of existence but I do not think I could face my damnation. I do not want a thousand lifetimes of suffering but I have no soul. There will never be salvation for me."

His eyes fell to his shoes, no longer shining from polish as they used to be all those short years ago though those days felt a lifetime away. The shoes were caked in the light dust from the stones and gravel making the path in the garden. Hermione didn't know how she could respond to Lucius plea. On one hand the deeds we do in this life must be punished in the next if we are not punished in this life or we all gain absolution on death and live in bliss in the next life. Unless the afterlife was a more complex structure than she had ever given thought to before. But did the act of wanting salvation the act of recognising your flaws and the horror you committed bring about your salvation as you appreciate the importance and the weight of responsibility that salvation would bring? But Lucius had suffered so much and would continue to suffer for the rest of his life, she would not want for him to suffer in the next life as well. But if this existence is the entirety of life then what is the point of guilt? All the guilt did was confine them with the depths of their own thoughts and actions which were just a blink in the eyes of the universe and they squandered the life they had never knowing what could have and should have been. But did she give Lucius her honest opinion which was a jumble of conflicting thoughts feelings and ideologies or did she give him some of the truth? The fact that there was always hope, the fact is acceptance of the guilt was maybe the first step in salvation and redemption.

"You have a soul Lucius. And there is always hope for salvation."

She said, placing her hand in a gesture of comfort on his own hand that was shaking slightly from the constant tremors that plagued his body.

"My soul has been ripped apart so many times. For many years there was hardly a good or noble thought in my head. I was no double agent, I never did anything to stop my Master or destroy his plans. Why should I deserve salvation? Why should I even think it possible?"

He asked almost shouting in frustration. But how could she help him? She could never give Lucius Malfoy salvation. The only thing she could do would be to help him be a better man and to be the best man that he could.

"Maybe the best is yet to come? We are all blind to what the future holds."

Hermione said kindly, ignoring her own complex and swirling emotions towards the man sitting next to her.

"Perhaps."

Lucius sighed.

~8~

She sat on one of the old settees that surrounded the fire place of the study; Lucius had left a short time ago into the depths of the Manor to finish the preparations for dinner. As she observed the room looking for something to take her mind of the boredom of waiting she dimly recalled the invitation that lead her here. It was delivered by a rented post owl the handwriting confused her at first the sloppiness of the script and the ink blots looked as if it was a poor forgery of someone else's handwriting. It pained her to learn it was an invitation to dinner from Lucius, it pained her that the tremors he always suffered from had taken something as simple as the ability to write to from him. She tried to put thoughts of regret, sadness and anguish to the back of her mind there was no point crying over spilled potion and she enjoyed the Lucius she had and she knew the damaged Wizard enjoyed her as well.

It was difficult to coin a term that described what she and Lucius had together, although he was officially courting her in so much as they had both admitted to wanting more of a romantic liaison. Boyfriend and girlfriend seem too juvenile. While lovers made the wonderfully pure relationship they had seem almost sordid and cheap. She may love Lucius slightly and could see herself in the near future loving him but it was born less of romance and more of acceptance, philosophy and companionship. She adored every part of their relationship and took the good with the bad though a suitable label still evaded her not that she had any longer to muse of the subject as Lucius had returned to the study bearing dinner.

Careful not to spill a drop Lucius placed the ornate wooden tray carrying two generous bowls of soup onto the coffee table. From the smell her first guess was that it was French onion soup. Lucius frowned deeply as he stood looming over the coffee table arranging the cutlery and removing the bowls of soup from the tray and onto the coffee table so they were positioned one in front of both himself and Hermione.

"I apologise for the lack of a proper table."

He said settling back down next to Hermione and pulling his soup bowl towards him.

"It's fine. You don't need to worry just because we are together doesn't mean anything has changed. I like what we have and more importantly I like it that we are comfortable around each other."

Hermione said while pulling her bowl across the table for a closer inspection. She was correct the soup was French onion a piece of slightly charred cheese on toast sat on top of the soup. She took a small spoonful and out of habit blew on the warm soup before eating the mouthful. She was pleasantly surprised the soup was perfect a lovely depth of flavour considering the lack of beef stock.

"No need to look too surprised I have been without house elves for almost four years and was a dab hand at potions in my school days."

Lucius said taking a large spoonful of soup. They shared a laugh.

"You can't make cheese on toast though."

She joked taking a bite of her soup soaked charred toast.

"I had one too many things to do at once."

He replied defensively.

"Joking. Dinner is lovely and the company even better."

She reassured Lucius her hand moving to rest on his thigh. He brought an arm to rest around her and they relaxed into silent joy content with everything just the way it was. Slowly but surely the two bowls of soup were diminished and numerous small touches were shared nothing too overt or distracting just a hand on a thigh or fingers moving a stray hair out of the way. Two small scrapes from empty bowls being pushed across the table top signified the end of dinner, both Witch and Wizard turned in their seat to face the other.

It was Lucius who closed the distance his lips pressing firmly against Hermione's his hands exploring the bony curves of her sides as she kissed him back with earnest want. Her unsure hands ran down his back fingers tangling themselves in the long lank locks that fell limply down his back. His tongue gently and sensuously ran across her lip before dipping in and exploring her mouth, her own tongue twisting and battling for dominance.

Panting desperately they pulled apart he rested his forehead against hers each enjoying the moment and enjoying the other. Softly he stroked her cheek the tip of his finger lazily and slowly running down and touching every imperfection of her soft skin.

"I've wanted to do that all evening."

He whispered a chill of desire shot down Hermione's spine as his warmth breath hit the shell of her ear. She could feel the hot dampness growing between her thighs. Gently she pressed her lips back against his. Large hands buried themselves deep into her hair wrapping the thick curly locks around long dexterous fingers she moaned from the slight pulling, his heady deep scent engulfing her and those warm lips pressed tight against hers was heaven. Her own fingers busied themselves into his thin hair as their lips continued to move and press together Lucius released a low groan.

Gently he pulled away, placing a final peck upon her lips. His hands moved to lie comfortably against her sides and gradually he lowered them down to rest stretched out on the settee. He held her close against his chest his hands resting on her stomach his hot breath on her neck sending warmth and desire to her core. She let out another moan as small ardent kisses were peppered down her neck.

"Wonderful evening Lucius."

She mumbled as he rested his chin on top her nest of untameable brown curls.

"I'm glad you approve."

He purred stretching his long legs.

"Is your leg troubling you?"

She did nothing to hide her concern.

"A little. I didn't want to ruin the mood."

He admitted. Embarrassed as a school boy on his first date.

"You didn't."

A lazy smile on his thin lips Lucius held Hermione tight against his chest hoping with her back against him she would not realise how quickly his heart was beating. Not that it would have mattered her own heart pounding in her throat as she melted into his embrace, his breath on her neck swiftly followed by lips and tongue.

Enjoying Lucius's tender affection but wanting with every dripping fibre of her being to see the object of her desire she rolled gently in his arms to cuddle her chest and breasts flush against Lucius's firm body soft from the loose robes he wore. Slowly she raised her head and chastely pecked Lucius on the lips her hands wrapped around his sides and her legs entwined with his.

"You're beautiful."

He moaned breathlessly, finger playing idly with an errant curl falling delicately over her face. Her lips crashed against his.

~8~

A week passed and they saw nothing of the other save for their brief time in the garden. For the most part they were both silent not because what they had was awkward or uncomfortable but simply because neither had anything to say. It was peaceful she admitted to just sit and think in the beautiful flowering garden with little care in the world. They decided against seeing each other on the Friday night and the Saturday night for that matter it was a week since their first date and it did not seem right to fall back in to their old ways. Honestly though Hermione needed the break she needed to sort out not her priorities but she needed to know that what they had was not purely skin deep and a product of a spontaneous moment.

She rolled over to the other side of her cold empty double bed. She missed Lucius.

She dimly recalled that today was Sunday she had not really seen or talked to Lucius since last Friday when he invited her to dinner but today buzzing with something akin to happiness it felt right. Hermione felt content and perhaps a little lonely but she knew that spending a lazy Sunday with Lucius was just what she wanted. She glanced at the clock on the bedside table it had gone nine. It was still early enough to invite Lucius for breakfast without there being the danger of her waking him up. She hoped he would be awake or happy that she woke him she knew she would be more than a little happy if the roles were reversed.

A flick and her fluffy dressing gown was summoned towards her. With practiced ease she caught the flying garment and shuffled into her bathroom to dress for the day before heading down to the floo. A pinch of floo powder from the tin on the mantle and she was calling for Malfoy Manor. The words still felt foreign coming from her lips but she could not deny the pleasure of just what could be about to come building up inside of her.

"Uhh. Hermione?"

Lucius asked sleepy his eyes still bleary from waking up.

"I know it's early but I was wondering if you want to join me for breakfast."

She asked feigning the casual tone not wanting to be rejected but at the same time not wanting Lucius to feel obliged to join her if he would rather crawl back to bed.

Yawning Lucius nodded his head sleepily and terminated the floo call. Less than a minute later and he was stood in her front room yawning again and still looking a little on the sleepy side. Despite his grogginess and the lack of sounds other than crude grunts he stepped towards her and drew her into his arms greeting her with a searing kiss on the lips.

"Good morning to you too."

Hermione said not wanting to break away from his arms.

"There's more where that came from."

The effect of his sultry and seductive tone ruined by another yawn, slowly and wobbling slightly she led Lucius to the settee and in the least dainty of ways the two flopped down enjoy the soft and comfortable cushions. A little clumsily Lucius pulled her tight against his chest and moved her slightly so she fell in the more natural and comfortable of positions. She closed her eyes and let herself melt into Lucius's embrace his low even breathes and his fingers resting on her stomach were perfect.

His head fell heavily on top of her own the blow soften by the mass of curls she had never been able to tame it was at this moment she concluded that Lucius had fallen back asleep. His body twitched and jerked randomly and his hands moved and held her tight against him like a teddy bear not that she minded. Relaxing into his familiar warmth she brought her legs onto the settee and curled up as much as she could and still be comfortable against Lucius. She stopped fighting her dropping eye lids and fell into a nightmare filled sleep.

A short while later Hermione awoke fully renewed and ready to continue with the day with a cursory glance to the clock in the room she learned she had only been sleeping for half an hour. Reluctantly she pulled herself away from Lucius and stretched her aching body. She watched quietly as Lucius slept his features softening and gone was all the tension and worry he carried everyday even the lines around his face seemed fainter. She sighed he looked so innocent and peaceful when he slept but she knew appearances are deceiving and that however at peace his body is she knew his mind was trapping him in the eternal realm of nocturnal terror.

Slowly his eyes opened. The corners of his lips twitched upwards when he saw her next to him the stupid smile she wore watching him sleep still on her face. He reached out and squeezed her hand.

"I believe you originally mentioned something about breakfast?"

He asked tactlessly but neither really knew where they went from here. But that was part of the problem she knew the real reason they had been avoiding each other was that neither wanted the talk. Neither wanted to be the one to ask exactly what they were and where if anywhere they were going. Hermione just sat and looked at Lucius and he sat silently staring back, for a moment they fidgeted not wanting to hold the other's stare or look the other in the eye just in case the slightest movement ruined what they had.

"Do you want to talk now or after breakfast?"

Lucius was the first to break rank his voice definitely unsure, Hermione would almost describe his tone and defeated body language as sad or afraid.

"Now because then we have breakfast to look forward to."

Hermione said briskly.

"Do you still wish for me to court you?"

Lucius's eyes moved nervously from side to side as he spoke, his nervous tic was back.

"Yes."

Was the only answer she could give. How could she not want the Wizard who seemed to keep the darkness away the Wizard who hated just what the war had caused everyone to be? How could she not want to be courted by her friend?

He heaved a sigh of relief and slumped relaxed into the back of the settee not caring for image it gave Hermione nor that it was her settee and her front room he was in. He rubbed the corners of his temples.

"I know I do not deserve this Hermione. I know that I should hate myself for having and enjoying everything that we have together but I want it. And I do not know how to make these feelings stop, you are my friend but I enjoy it when we kiss and it shames me to wanting more from you…Us.

But I cannot live in the dark. A man must never live his life so alone and in so much darkness. I am a murderer Hermione. I cannot change that. I tried to kill you dear heart. I wanted you dead. I…I am such a terrible man. But I want you and I know you want me.

I like our talks and when we just cut loose and debate anything and everything. I like knowing that even in my darkest thoughts I am not alone. I like it that you agree with me and I did not have to threaten or bribe you. I like it that you do not expect anything from me, I like that you let me read or listen when I talk about what I heard on the radio or wax lyrical on the greatness of Sneck.

I know that rationally, maybe I have latched onto the first human being who talked and tried to listen and understand me but I don't care. I don't care about being Lucius Malfoy anymore. I never wanted to kill people I just wanted a life, a wife, son.

I just don't want to be alone anymore. I don't want to be me anymore."

Slowly Lucius let everything out, every thought, every emotion came flooding out of him the tears falling down his sullen cheeks were not attractive but she could not help pulling him into a tight hug and never wanting her battered, worn friend to leave again. All she ever wanted in life was a friend who understood her, she once said she would do anything to have one true friend and maybe she really did. Her fingers played with the rat tail ends of his dull mane as she buried her face into the top of his head, inhaling the fragrance of Lucius, cologne and dandruff. Nothing mattered; the past of being Hermione Granger didn't matter. She had moved on, she had grown up and right now she wanted to have breakfast and spend a lazy Sunday with the Wizard she cared for with every fibre of her being.

Her smaller hands slid down the side of his face and slowly she raised his head to look into her eyes. Softly she pressed her lips against his the salty tang of his tears on his lips. Gently he kissed her back and nothing else mattered.

Their kiss ended and with a soft smile on their faces they rose and Lucius followed behind as they moved into the kitchen for some much needed breakfast.

Hermione started humming as she busied herself in a whirlwind of kitchen activity with a fond smile both for his witch and for the domestic scene he had found himself in Lucius pulled a plain wooden chair out from the table and gingerly lowered himself down. Content to watch as Hermione cooked him breakfast. Breakfast was many a packet of crumpets brought from the Muggle corner shop down the road, a packet of butter and thick sinful hot chocolate.

"How many calories do you think there are in crumpets slathered with butter?"

He asked as Hermione joined him at the table and they began to help themselves to crumpets to go with their butter.

"Lots."

She replied brightly taking a bite of her crumpet the butter running down her chin.

"Good. I will admit the one thing I miss the most as a vegetarian is a full English but butter soaked crumpets is a good alternative."

He replied reaching across the table a delicate finger running across Hermione's chin wiping off the butter. With deliberate slowness he pushed the offending digit into his mouth sucking and licking off the butter. Hermione froze wide eyed watching, becoming ever conscious of the wetness between her legs. Raising his eyebrows seductively Lucius bit into his own crumpet the butter oozing out onto his mouth and chin breaking the daze Hermione was in. Shaking her head Hermione looked desperately for a distraction she was about to give in when the Sunday edition of the Prophet sat long forgotten on the worktop caught her eye. A lazy wave of her hand and the paper joined them at the table. Carefully with well-practiced and regimented precision she began the task of splitting the paper into the various supplements, satisfied with the small pile of mini newspapers she took the first one from the pile and greasy fingers smoothed the sheet over the table.

"Sport?"

"Please."

Lucius accepted the sports section. It surprised him to learn a few short minutes later that it did not matter if he dripped butter onto the newspaper Hermione seemed to think that getting grease stains on the paper was all part of the Sunday morning charm. And as he sat transfixed yet again with the butter dripping from the corners of Hermione's full inviting lips he had to agree.

~8~

It was a grey April Thursday afternoon and they had settled into a routine that saw there Friday and occasionally Saturday night's together morph from pure friendship into a relationship that was a little more intimate than before and worked for them. The pair were sat on the stone bench hand in hand not caring for anything beyond their own thoughts. To touch and be with the other was second nature to both of them no matter what they said the other always came back. A light drizzle fell neither bothered pulling the hoods to their cloaks up just enjoying the feel of the cool rain on their tired skin. As if in a daze they watched the small puddles form in the flower beds of the garden and within the gaps in the gravel path.

"I like watching the rain, there is just something about watching it fall from the clouds and soaking everything in its path."

She said fondly. Lucius didn't say a word content just to sit in the quiet.

"Would you like to accompany me for a walk along the sea front?"

She asked quietly later when the drizzle stopped their hair and robes damp.

"Where?"

He queried not looking away from the raindrop covered leaves and flowers that glistened like tiny diamonds where they caught the light.

"Not here just somewhere very Muggle and very quiet. If you're a good boy I may even buy you a bag of chips."

His lips wobbled as he unconvincingly formed a look of bored disinterest.

"How can I say no to greasy over salted pieces of potato? If you would allow me twenty minutes at the Manor we can leave when you are ready."

She smiled and pecked his cheek rough from his light stubble.

Slowly the two rose, she placed her arm in Lucius's and together they walked back along the winding gravel path and out of the garden. With a lingering touch to her cheek he used his portkey and left. Hermione aapparated to her home to change from her robes.

Twenty one minutes later Hermione had changed and was stood waiting by her fireplace when Lucius flooed in dressed in Muggle finery. She smiled as she took in the view before her it seemed odd to see Lucius in trousers, shirt and waistcoat it made him look like a lord from a cheap romance novel his hair tied back neatly with a small length of black ribbon. The deep emerald green waistcoat a nice splash of colour amongst his all black attire. It was cool out so he wore a long overcoat instead of a suit jacket.

"Hello."

He purred leaning rakishly on his walking stick casually looking Hermione up and down.

"Hi."

She almost squeaked as she spoke trying very hard not to focus too much on Lucius though she was almost certain judging by his blatant posing he knew exactly how he looked. Shooting her one of his more sexy smirks he took one step closer and once again Hermione was flush against him his lips on hers.

The kiss ended and for a moment they just stood their arms wrapped round each other, fingers buried deep within the other's hair.

"Wow."

Exclaimed Hermione breathlessly.

"Indeed."

Drawled Lucius.

"I think I need to straighten up my hair."

Hermione said untangling herself from Lucius. Lucius made a small noise and tried to keep his mouth closed.

"And what was that?"

She glared sharply at Lucius who looked like he had just had a rather good snog.

"Nothing dear."

He quickly replied his voice a little too high.

~8~

Arm in arm they walked slowly down the walkway running along by the beach sparing little attention to the mixture of gaudy tourist shops and the few shabby local places. It was still dull and grey at the coast but it did not seem to matter as they watching the waves crash onto the dirty sand while stood resting on the railings on the high wall built to protect the town from the sea. A few large seagulls padded around picking at the greasing paper wrappings from the small café's and takeaways nearby that littered the area.

As Hermione folded her arms and rested them on the railings and peacefully watched the waves go in and out she was aware of Lucius's large hand resting on the small of her back. His other hand gripping the head of his walking stick as he stood next to her gazing on out onto the sea. She felt Lucius tense. She knew it was not a full blown Cruciatus after attack but just one of the many aches that seemed to always plague his body.

"Do you need to sit down?"

She asked her eyes not moving from the waves.

"No I'm fine."

He waved of her concern.

"Come on I am sure there is a bench nearby that is not too dirty or too covered in old chewing gum."

Looping her arm through his he happily let Hermione guide him the short distance to a small bench its black paint peeling and lumps of old chewing gum stained the tarmac all around. With a hard glare he frightened off a threatening looking seagull that was strutting near the bench. Not bothering to let go of each other they sat down Lucius rested his walking stick on the edge of the bench and stretched his legs.

"I think I can see a chip shop a few yards away, do you want chips?"

Hermione asked straining her neck to read the signs on the shop fronts. He nodded biting down on his bottom lip to stop making a noise from the pain coursing through his body. A quick peck on his rough from stubble cheek and Hermione walked briskly off to the chip shop.

She smiled to herself on seeing no queue and that they were just taking a fresh batch of chips out of the fryer. A quick look behind her at Lucius sat on the bench and she strode to the counter and ordered the promised bag of chips. As she took the greasy bundle from the equally greasy man behind the counter and the smell of salt and vinegar that was so quintessentially fish and chip shop hit her nostrils Hermione could not remember the last time she did something so Muggle. Something that once long ago would of seemed so very normal to her. But that was what relationships and friendships were for to share in the normal and the not so normal. The key to romance was not grand romantic gestures but the small almost insignificant moments that she and Lucius faced every day and making them seem so much more than they really were.

She took the spot next to Lucius and placed the greasy paper package on his lap as she adjusted her bag and checked everything in her purse was all present and correct. With a minimum of fuss from his fingers Lucius peeled back the paper and offered her a chip. Slowly and deliberately they each took a chip and munched on the greasy goodness. A familiar arm rested round her shoulders not able to stop the small smile and the look of contentment on her lips Hermione shuffled slightly and rested against Lucius.

Special. That is what Hermione decided the moment was. There was something about sitting on a bench the day grey and dull with Lucius working their way through a bag of chips at the sea that seemed to defy all attempts to describe the moment. A few older couples shuffled slowly down the path but they all seemed to blur into the background. She moved her hand to rest against her chest, her fingers stroking Lucius's hand that rested on her shoulder. Enjoying the little blonde hairs covering the back of his hand and knuckles.

Balling the used paper once the last chip had been consumed Lucius threw it to the ground in front of them. Still cuddling up on the old bench they watched just lost in the simplicity of the moment as a crying seagull swooped down and started pecking at the greasy paper in the hope of finding a forgotten chip stuck to the paper. Hermione closed her eyes as she felt the warmth of Lucius's breath on the shell of her ear followed by the faint pressure of his finger tracing the curves and imperfections of her cheek. Gently he passed his finger across her lips and placed a gentle kiss on her cheek.

"Thank you."

He whispered.

~8~

Noon Monday Hermione entered the garden to find Lucius already sat on the stone bench, it was as if he had been waiting for her. She sat down and waited to hear what he had to say.

"I am so fucking sorry Hermione, no one knows more than me how sorry I am for the demon that I am and have become. But you should never be sorry for the angel you are not. You have nothing to feel sorry for. Nothing to apologise for.

I apologise for all the cruel things that I have done and I apologise for everything I have said and done to you now. But please know that I don't regret one single fucking thing. I mean every word I have said to you as my friend and as my paramour.

But please Hermione just walk away for once make it easy on yourself and walk away from this horrid place and never come back. Please I…I do not want to be in the hell that I have made for myself but there is no place for such beauty as yourself in my own pathetic hell. Just walk away there is nothing that you should feel towards me please walk away today and pretend that none of what we had was real.

Just walk away."

Lucius said his voice so low and on the verge of breaking, his fingers frantically rubbing and scratching at his robe sleeve where she knew the remains of his Dark Mark was hidden. He turned away from her his body hunching over and she was half sure he was overcome with silent sobs. She held her hand out to touch him but hesitated. He seemed so certain in his self-hatred. She was torn it was painful to watch her friend and Wizard hate himself so much that he would rather be alone then experience even the most fleeting of happiness. But there would be no discussion his mind so made up. The only thing she could and as much as it would physically hurt her was to leave and return tomorrow.

On the verge of tears herself not just because Lucius was hurting but also as her own life which had seemed so much better recently was on the verge of destruction. She could see her life and everything in it she enjoyed perched perilously on the sheer cliff like jaws of inner turmoil and the gut wrenching terror and destruction that war and one's own actions bring. But she would return tomorrow and if Lucius was not here she would return to the Manor and she would bring him back to her and to the life he needed and suffered for.

Slowly she pulled her cloak tight around herself and got up taking a final look at the huddled and haunted figure of Lucius she left.


	8. A Soldier's Romance part II

**Warning First attempt at almost lemons**

**~8~**

**Chapter Seven A Soldier's Romance Part II**

At noon on the dot Hermione pushed open the Iron Gate and walked straight for the stone bench. Their bench. With a nervousness she had not felt in what seemed like years she waited. It was not the kind of nervousness where it lead you to believe something pleasant was going to happen to you but the heavy cloying nervousness of knowing that it could all be destroyed and ended today. The nervousness that you knew was born of knowing that the current day was going to change your life. At One O'clock she heard a creak echoing in the silent garden, she looked up and her eyes fell on the gate. Their making his way so very slowly as if each step pained him was Lucius his head downcast not caring if anyone else was present.

Not looking up he sat on the edge of the bench. She could hear his laboured breathing. The air grew thick and her heart beat furiously within her throat. She was beginning to panic she did not know what she was to do or say beyond coming back to the garden. She hoped that her presence would somehow be enough to restore the Lucius she knew and loved. Yes loved. She repeated to herself. No matter what and no matter why she Hermione Granger was in love with Lucius Malfoy, Death Eater and one time Azkaban inmate. She wanted to feel Lucius as he wrapped his arms round her in the boyish way he did and they could go back to pretending that their lives were fine and they were normal people living a normal life. She wanted to rest her head on his shoulder and feel his limp hair as it fell over her face and hid the warm tears she wanted to cry. She wanted to go back to the filthy Manor and hear the latest of Sneck's literary adventures.

The shell of a Wizard next to her raised his head and not looking at her spoke his voice a dull monotone.

"You came back."

"I am never leaving you my friend."

And she cried.

Hermione felt the hot tears running down her cheeks not caring for how she looked she just sat there staring at Lucius and watching as his hollow empty features morphed into quiet anger at himself for letting those who needed him down again.

She cried harder as a pair of warm arms wrapped around her and pulled her tightly to rest against his chest. Inhaling his clove based cologne and no longer caring about anything beyond what she knew she felt towards Lucius and not caring why she cried harder. Burying her face deep into his chest she let the tears fall on the lived in fabric and relaxed into nothingness as his chin rested on the top of her head.

"You know everything Hermione, why did you come back dear one."

He lamented moving his head sadly from side to side.

"Because I know everything and because despite everything we have seen and done I love you. I love you Lucius the demon who haunts the garden of remembrance, the demon who cooks French onion soup and drips butter over the Sunday paper."

She cried her voice muffled by his chest. She felt as his tears fell onto her hair. In a daze of confusion and emotions Lucius held her tight against his chest and rocked the two of them neither wanting to let go of their saviour.

"Please don't leave me Hermione. I need you to help me live in my darkness, I need you to bring the speck of light that makes sure those who suffered by my hands did not suffer in vain. I need you to remind me that everything is subjective and that at the end of the day there are no winners in war. I need you to remind me that every solider commits heinous acts that haunt them until the day they die. I need you to remind me that we are all only human and I want you by my side because you're my friend. I want you because you are beautiful and you want me too.

I love you Hermione."

Lucius cried hugging her tight not caring for his tears and not caring for the life that he had lived.

~8~

Ignoring the dishes from dinner Hermione and Lucius moved and settled onto one of the two settees that made up her front room an arm resting around the other content to sit in the quiet with the other. Lucius opened the top two fastenings on his robes exposing a sliver of pale skin, Hermione did nothing content for the moment to continue resting against his side, his behaviour was new for them but if she was truly honest with herself it was not unwelcome. His hands slipped back to rest on her sides, he turned his head and buried it against her neck his lips and tongue kissing and exploring the side of her neck .The moan when she moved her head back to allow Lucius better access was bliss for both of them. Breathing heavily, face flush and more than a little aroused she shifted to sit on Lucius's lap her lips pressing hard against his her tongue thrust between his lips. He moaned his hands rubbing up and down her sides desperate to feel and touch her, his grip keeping her firmly in place on his lap her breasts flush against his chest. He growled when she pulled back from his lips she sat there for a moment flushed, chest heaving just taking in his own panting, slightly dishevelled form.

"What now?"

She asked between deep breaths that came from both their kiss and her own nervousness over the desires that both of them had but neither were quite comfortable with voicing.

"What do you want Hermione?"

He replied between pants, his fingers touching and exploring her body he could not resist placing little kisses down her neck. Taking a risk his hands palmed her smallish breasts through the front of her robes, taking her lack of objection as a good sign he squeezed experimentally earning a short gasp of surprised pleasure for her. She gently pushed his hands away, chastised he moved his hands and arms firmly to rest at his sides. She just looked at him, staring intently at the patch of pale chest exposed by the lack of robes. Tentatively she reached out and ran her index finger down the gap in his robes feeling the firmness of his chest and the smoothness of his skin. Sharply as if she had an electric shock she pulled her hand away. She looked up at Lucius and smiled shyly, he gave her a reassuring smile and wrapped his long dextrous fingers around her wrist and moved her hand back to his chest. She splayed her palm and rested over the gap feeling his heart racing but unsure as to what she wanted and whether she could fight the nerves and ask for what she wanted.

"Ask I will not say no."

He said voice low with want.

"I wonder what the rest of you looks like."

She whispered not moving her hand.

"I can remove my robes if you wish."

Came his husky reply and his own eyes fixed on the swell of her chest the fingers of his other hand twitching and moving restlessly trying to touch her.

"Not here."

A sense of confidence in her quiet whisper. He nodded and watched meekly as she removed her slender frame from his lap and stood before him looking at him lovingly with little difficulty he stood and followed silently behind her as they ascended the stairs to her bedroom. He closed the door behind him, propped his walking stick against one of the bedside tables. They stood next to the bed opposite each other neither able to make the first move. They both knew it was unnecessary especially for him; the basics of the female body no longer a complete mystery even Hermione was not at a complete disadvantage but it was different.

Swallowing thickly her nervous hands undid the buttons on the front of her robes. She just stood looking to the wall to the side of Lucius as the loose fabric flapped opened showing more than a little glimpse of her marked skin and underwear. Taking the hint Lucius loosened the buttons on his robes still done up and the buttons on the cuffs of his robes and pushed the heavy black fabric down to the floor. He stepped out of the pile clad just in black silk boxers. Laboured breaths broke the nervous silence, he knew he was almost drooling at the sight of her and willed those light robes to fall to the floor. They held the other's stare for a moment more that stretched on for eternity. Eventually Lucius climbed up onto the bed and lay on his side watching as her ever practical dark robes fell away with an elegant shrug of her shoulders onto the floor showing her in just her underwear unable to hide away behind layers of robes.

Cautiously she climbed onto the other side of the bed and turned to face Lucius.

"Worth the wait."

He whispered and moved his body and pulling her flush against him the scent of each and their perfumed grooming products filling their senses. After the initial shock wore off they lay together completely at ease.

"The rest of you is just as nice as that flash of chest."

She said running her hand across his torso and feeling the sparse covering of blonde hair not caring for the slight softness of his stomach that protruded ever so slightly over the waistband of his boxers. His finger ran delicately down the scar on her chest that disappeared into her bra.

"So are you."

He murmured in reply.

He kissed her gently hands exploring the new lines and curves of their bare exposed bodies neither minded nor knew who moaned first it didn't matter. With confidence her hands reached behind her back and undid the clasp on her bra pulling it off and throwing it to the piles of discarded robes on the floor. Lucius smiled. His hands inched ever closer to her aroused breasts tickling and teasing the flesh on the way with his fingers before holding the creamy globes in his hands. He squeezed gently there being just enough for a good handful, his thumbs flicking across her hard aroused nipples. A small symphony of moans left her body as she arched up under his gentle touch. Soft lips crashed hard against hers, her hands balled the bed sheets unable to think of anything but Lucius's electrifying touch. Reluctantly their lips parted and his hands fell away as she cuddled tight against his chest placing a kiss against the firm skin the rest of her enjoying having him so exposed and so much of him against her.

She risked a look down at his boxers; she looked back up to Lucius and frowned.

"What's wrong?"

He frowned in confusion.

"I'm sorry."

Was all she said, Lucius pecked her lips.

"For what?"

He asked a little breathlessly her words did little to remove his concern.

"You obviously do not feel the same way."

She said looking down at the crotch of his boxers.

"It's not what you think."

He said sadly holding her close wanting desperately to reassure her. She relaxed slightly against him wanting nothing more than for Lucius to find her arousing. She loved him admittedly neither had said so since that day in the garden but the thought was there and she wanted them both to share in everything together. The more time she spent with Lucius the more she knew that there was no one else out there that would understand her or any other Wizard she would find as attractive and love as much as Lucius.

"I…I can't get it up."

He admitted embarrassed by his lack of reaction to the wondrous young Witch nearly naked next to him. Her face shifted into a look of surprised understanding, she stroked his limp locks and kissed him gently moving her body against him to find the most comfortable position to cuddle into.

"Can I see anyway?"

She whispered against his chest intrigued but embarrassed about asking to see him completely naked it was a stupid thing to embarrassed about but it was just well sex. It was supposed to be awkward right?

Lucius smiled and nodded his head. Thumbs sticking into the boxer's waistband he pushed them down, he kicked them onto the floor not caring for the mess. They both stared for a second at his smaller than average, very flaccid member against the thatch of slightly darker blonde hair.

"I was right. You are beautiful to look at."

She said. And it was true Lucius lying next to her was the pinnacle of masculine beauty his skin though not as well kept as it once used to be was still pale the mixture of hard lines and softening muscles of his aging body was a thing of beauty. Seeing him so vulnerable was beautiful and special in itself. This was a moment Hermione knew she would always remember.

"Even though I was arthritic, impotent and with a bad back before I was thirty."

A tinge of desperate sadness in his voice, the bare faced honesty that each other needed and gave in return showing.

"Yes."

She replied kissing him and curling her fingers round his thick length.

"You a very special, very beautiful witch Hermione."

"Even with my scar and small chest?"

She asked a take on his own unfounded insecurities. She was somewhat wary of how she looked, she knew she was not one of the more attractive Witches around but learning that even a Wizard as physically attractive as Lucius could feel insecure about his looks made her feel better. The fact neither had fled revolted by the sight of the other's naked form helped move things along.

"Small is sometimes better."

He purred.

She released the hold on his length and brought her arm to rest over Lucius, eyes half closed his arm curled around her back cupping the swell of her arse enjoying just being together.

"I could stay like this forever."

Hermione mumbled closing her eyes.

~8~

Slowly Hermione opened her eyes though still bleary from sleep she knew from the warmth and soft firm body next to her that she was not alone, the sunlight creeping in through the gaps to the side of the blind on her bedroom window. Not wanting to wake up just yet she rubbed against Lucius's side and chest enjoying the way he tightened his sleepy hold on her and murmured something unintelligible. She placed a kiss on his exposed chest her index finger gently tracing the lines of what remained of his defined chest muscles feeling every bump and imperfection of her beautiful Wizard. Slowly she followed the sparse blonde hair as it formed a trail down over his softening middle and down to his small penis.

She smiled soppily this was the perfect way to spend a lazy Sunday morning, she could think of nothing she would rather be doing instead of lying next to Lucius her fingers running over his naked body. His nose twitched from the stray lock that fell onto his face carefully she brushed the long hair away allowing a small silent giggle at the drop of drool at the corner of his mouth. With all the tension, worry and stress gone from his body save for the small twitches from nightmares best forgotten he looked even more beautiful than last night. His eyelids fluttered and Lucius awoke to the view of Hermione perched on one elbow just looking fondly at his naked body not caring for her own nakedness.

"Good morning."

He whispered groggily his hand reaching out to run along finger down her chest following the bumps and imperfections of the hideous scar.

"I could wake up like this every morning."

Hermione admitted quietly closing her eyes as she enjoyed his gentle finger the tip soft and smooth from a lack of work.

"There is not much that would bring me more joy."

He said rolling onto his side and moving to lie against Hermione their bodies pressed tightly together their lips sought the other out they moved their bodies to move against the other eager to feel the friction of soft skin against them. A sliver of hot tongue piercing the other's mouth with white hot need. Her small hands running over his hard sides and gripping tightly against his back. His own hands moving up her slim sides his thumbs grazing her hard aroused nipples erect from the soft swell of her breasts.

Their lips slowly broke apart leaving them content to rest entwined so completely with the other. The effect on their affections and the calming peace it brought both Hermione and Lucius was ruined by a gurgle from Lucius's stomach.

"Do you want to stay for breakfast?"

She asked politely stifling a laugh.

"As wonderful as spending breakfast with you would be I should really be getting home."

He said doing nothing to break away from her side.

"You are more than welcome to spend the rest of the day here. In fact I would very much like it if we spent the day together."

She whispered suggestively her finger drawing circles on his chest.

Lucius smiled and buried his nose into her chest.

"Of course I'll stay."

He whispered into her breasts.

~8~

It was many kisses and touches later that Hermione found herself wrapped up in just her fluffy dressing gown and stood bare foot in her kitchen. Not that it mattered nothing in her kitchen or life could ruin the good mood she was in this morning. Yawning and having a good stretch of her arms she opened the cupboards until she found the loaf of bread a half arsed wave of the wand contained in her dressing gown pocket had the loaf sliced perfectly in no time at all. Smiling happily and humming loudly the toast was placed under the grill and a pack of butter and the pot of raspberry jam were placed on her only tray ready for the toast to join them. A second wave of her wand had water in the kettle and said kettle well on the way to boiling, a tea bag in each cup with a splash of milk and all she had to do was stand back and admire her charms work while waiting for the last of the breakfast preparations to finish.

Placing the toast unceremoniously onto a plate on the tray, adding the hot water to both tea cups and a quick levitation charm and breakfast was finished. Carefully Hermione and the tray made it back up to her bedroom enjoy the shot of pleasure running through her that Lucius was reclined on her bed completely naked. It was rather nice to be wanted especially by the Wizard you love. She smiled at Lucius sitting back propped up on the pillows and now covered with the duvet that came up just over his waist. She shrugged her dressing gown off not caring it joined the rest of their clothes on the floor. Raising an eyebrow at her display Lucius pulled back the duvet on her side of the bed, with a coy smile she placed the tray down on his lap and climbed up onto the bed and snuggled down under the covers propped up comfortably with the remaining pillows.

"I cannot remember the last time I had breakfast in bed."

Lucius said helping himself to a cup of tea and the toast.

"When you have to get breakfast yourself there is not point going back to bed and getting the covers mucky."

Hermione added thoughtfully.

"I am not opposed to dinner in bed though."

He managed through a mouthful of toast.

"I thought you purebloods had only the highest of manners?"

She said with a giggle.

"If no one is around to see what good are manners?"

For a moment they munched on toast each one thinking about how significant the philosophical question really was to their lives. At that moment Hermione was keenly reminded of just how lonely a man Lucius must be alone in his Manor reduced to the few rooms he could keep clean and those that held the best memories for him.

"I don't mind really, as I keep saying I don't want the mask or the terror I just want the man who talked to me in my darkest hour and showed me that there is always something out there for you to keep living for."

She leaned across and pecked his cheek. They continued eating buttered jammy toast and sipping on poor quality tea brewed with a tea bag, eventually the toast was gone and the tea drunk. Breakfast was over and their day just beginning.

"I forgot I got you a present when I was browsing for books a few days ago."

Hermione said making a sound of surprise. Lucius quirked his eyebrow at her gesture willing her to continue.

"Accio A shadow over Tandricks Bane"

She called and a rather old not too battered or nicked paperback was summoned from the library come study in the spare bedroom to the outstretched hand of Hermione. Proudly and with a little trepidation Hermione presented the book which she had already placed protective charms over to protect from the signs of further aging to Lucius. The blonde's jaw fell in shock as he read the title, authors name and the blurb on the back, with fingers shaking from life and nervousness he opened the front cover and read the publishers page.

"I'm right it's the same Angier Cornwall that writes the Sneck series isn't it?"

Hermione asked somewhat pleased that her gift was what she thought it was and had been received so well. She had noticed this book was not one in his collection.

"Ye-yes. Hermione where did you find this?"

He asked his voice wavering from the shock of the book.

"A second hand Muggle book store I saw the name, read the back, checked the date realised it was by one of our lot and paid the disinterested shop clerk twenty pence. Why?"

She reeled off confused over what had caused Lucius to go into shock.

"This book is incredibly rare it is something of a collector's item. This is his first published work before he produced the more commercially accepted Adventures of Sneck. There were only about two hundred copies printed and most were disposed of it being the cheap paper back that it is. Officially this is the first Sneck novel and I cannot remember when anyone cared enough or knew me well enough to purchase a gift that was not spirits that I would actually enjoy."

He whispered in awe of Hermione's find and pulled her tight against him for an almost bone crushing hug.

"You're welcome Lucius."

She patted his arm and pulled herself away to breathe.

"Have you charmed it?"

"Yes I already did."

He kissed her softly mindful of the book he was holding.

"You don't have to buy me presents you know. You keep doing things for me and I don't do anything in return for you accept break your heart when I try to push you away to protect you."

He said softly.

"I know but I want to. I'm sure in the coming years you will make it up to me."

She panicked when she realised she said years. She did not mean well she did mean years and she knew that by asking to court her properly Lucius was intending to marry her in the near future but until now neither one had talked about it. She tried to calm her breathing down and listen to what Lucius was going to say in reply.

"You have a high expectation of us but I would be being less than honest with you if I said I had not thought about there being an us for the foreseeable future. I may have in my past in my old life been a serial liar but for the most part I am honest with you. I do not think I have it in me to lie anymore I like the new me. I think this is the man I want to be. This is not quite how I may have imagined my life but I find I rather like it."

"I like the life I have now. Everything just seems so normal but you are my friend, you are my…boyfriend and. And I love you. The life you have lived, your past does matter but not in the way I first thought it would. You understand, you talk but more importantly you know and I know what we did was wrong. Because of you I was able to move on, because of you Lucius I have good days again so maybe my present of a rare pulp adventure novel and a bag of chips is my way of repaying you."

She mused happy to reflect on her life and their love not realising or not caring that she referred to Lucius as her boyfriend. Nothing was ever going to go away, but the war was well and truly over it was time to move on and enjoy what was left. So long as they remember the past and honour it with every day that passes nothing is truly forgotten.

~8~

"It is not the war you know."

Lucius began. Hermione focused on what Lucius had to say. Ignoring the pair of birds singing loudly in the garden around them.

"Many of my health problems are nothing to do with the war or the dark lord." He laughed hollowly. "It should have been my first warning that blood purity was not all it was supposed to be. I…I've always struggled to get it up Hermione and well you know… make sure it stays up even as young boy. And well you've seen me who would want to be with a small impotent young Wizard? Where the best I could give was hardly worth talking about. Even my arthritis is a product of my breeding my family tree is less of a tree and more of a family hedge we are all so close to each other. My walking stick has never been for purely aesthetic purposes. In fact the only the problem the war may of caused is my bad back. One too many times I've been thrown into walls or down corridors and stairs, without access to proper healers well there is only such much I could do."

He let out a deep breathe relieved to finish his embarrassing list.

"Why are you telling me here?"

She asked referring to the garden of remembrance.

"Because I need you to know the truth, I need you to see that the war cannot be blamed for my problems. I need you to understand that I and my family caused everything that has befallen us by our own choices."

"Thank you for being honest. But after everything that has happened and everything we both know about each other there is nothing you could say that would give me cause to rethink our friendship."

She said and they kissed.


	9. A Soldier's Romance part III

**Hi guys a bit more on the lemons front this chapter.**

**~8~**

**Chapter Seven A Soldier's Romance Part III**

"Hullo Lucius."

She greeted almost sadly as the Wizard in question lowered himself slowly down to sit on the bench next to her. She had lost count of the days that had gone by she knew it had been days maybe weeks since she gave Lucius the book. Days since he told her he was so inbred that it had damaged his body even when he was young boy still making up his mind as to place in the world and the place he wanted.

"Hullo Hermione."

She shifted nervously taking a long look at Lucius before dropping her gaze back to her scuffed and unpolished shoes. She wanted to talk to Lucius but in some ways she felt sad, disgusted even, and in other ways so very juvenile. She never wanted Lucius to see her as anything less than the survivor she was, a Witch who grew up with danger as an extracurricular past time. But if she never told him he would never know and then what if he expected something from her that she could not give him? Could she ever give Lucius what they both wanted? Want and doing were two very different beasts.

"I hate myself sometimes for sitting here with you. The past me the dark twisted shadow version that forever lurks on the corners of my mind tells me that I should run away from you and stay far away. The me that remembers my friends and acquaintances that suffered and fell in the name well that's the point that fell in the name no one was ever allowed to say. I remember that I should think you beyond redemption and that you should live a life of unhappiness but I remember all the times we have spent here in the garden, in my home and in yours and I know you are my friend. You are the man who listens and understands. You do not tell me that my way of grieving and dealing with all the jumbled thoughts in my head is wrong. You are the Wizard that I love. You are so beautiful I can hardly believe you love me back, I cannot believe that you find me attractive in any way."

He pulled her close so her head rested on his shoulder his arm round her back. His other arm in his lap; his hand holding hers and rubbing small comforting circles on the back of the young tight skin with his thumb.

"We all have days like this. But we always come back Hermione. No matter what happens we always return to the other."

His low deep voice washed over her and she felt better. She knew what they had and was forever thankful. She knew she had to get her other problem of her chest, Lucius told her everything to the point of too much all in the pursuit of an honest understanding of each other. No matter how embarrassing it would be for him if she were to know. For the minute though she sat enjoying the comfort he gave her, she knew he enjoyed holding her as well. There was always something soothing about having another in your arms or being in the comforting arms of another. Mother, Father, brother, lover, it didn't matter so long as the love and comfort was genuine. So long as knew you were wanted and not alone you could survive the darkest dungeon and deepest hell.

"I know deep down I am being foolish sometimes and that to be scared of it is a pointless and childish endeavour but I cannot deny that making the jump from talking and thinking about it to doing it scares me. I am afraid because I do not know what to do; I do not know if afterwards you will look at me, talk or even love me again. I know it will hurt but I know it can be good that it can bring us even closer together but at the last minute my nerves fail me and I cannot comprehend the act or even attempting to begin the act."

She trailed off trying to describe her anguish without saying the word. Without sounding like an over emotional, over needy teenager.

"Hermione my love I normally understand every thought and word that leaves your luscious and captivating lips but this time I think you may need to try a slightly different wording."

He replied carefully trying to avoid upsetting his obviously emotional Witch who right now needed his support and his insight.

"I'm a virgin Lucius. And. And…I'm. I'm scared about when we do eventually do it…"

She whispered trying to turn away from Lucius.

Instead of the laughter she was expecting she felt his nose as he buried it into her hair still holding her next to him at ease with his little Witch and still wanting to be with her.

"We are all nervous when it comes down to the bottom line. But I promise you when you want to have sex we will have it and I will spend the whole night holding you afterwards and reassuring you that I would never leave you if you want. Hermione I am not a young man nor am I in full working order but I have learnt and know that there is more to any relationship than the physical I am perfectly happy with what we have. I will never force you to do something you are uncomfortable with or not ready for."

She smiled even if Lucius could not see, he held her a moment more and then for the rest of their time in the garden. With a lingering touch he let her apparate back to her home leaving him to return to the Manor.

~8~

May passed into June and before anybody knew it June had become July. Having made and dressed the salad for dinner leaving it to stand for the best flavour and it being too hot even with all the doors and windows open to sit in the house Hermione settled for opening the awning attached to the back wall of her home so it provided shade for the patio. Placing down several large blankets and cushions she kept solely for outdoor use she settled down for an afternoon of reading in the sun a pitcher full of iced drink at her elbow and everything was perfect. Half way through her book and half way through the pitcher of chilled cocktail she heard the familiar deep slightly clipped voice of Lucius call from inside her front room. It was hot but she needed more drink, the bathroom and to greet Lucius he got a bit sulky if she neglected him. She quickly learned Lucius was rather needy when it came to attention.

"Coming."

She called out loudly through the patio doors into the kitchen and hoped the doors in the rest of the house had not been blown closed by the slight breeze that was still not enough to make the heat more bearable. Padding through the dim house or what seemed dim and dark after spending the day out in the bright sun. She entered the front room and sure enough there was Lucius one hand as always gripping the snake's head of his walking stick tightly and the other hand resting on the high mantelpiece of the flooing fireplace. Unlike normal he decided to don Muggle dress. Electing for a white long sleeved shirt the sleeves rolled up to the elbows the top two buttons undone showing a glimpse of chest and black dress trousers.

"Too hot for robes I can easily roll the sleeves up and undo the buttons without exposing everything."

He said by way of explanation seeing the curious look she gave him.

"I don't mind."

She purred. He chuckled closing the distance and pressing his lips to hers.

"Make yourself comfortable outside I will return in a minute."

And with a quick turn she was gone. Shrugging Lucius limped to the garden and lowered himself down onto the blankets and cushions covering the patio. And this was how Hermione found him his back propped up with cushions against the wall sprawled decadently on the remaining cushions and blankets, legs stretched out shoes and socks kicked off to the side away from the clean outdoor fabrics. And his shirt completely unbuttoned revealing his firm enough chest and softening stomach he was still slim though she was unsure as to how long he would stay that way.

"Where am I going to sit then?"

She asked jokingly holding a new and bigger pitcher of iced drink and a second glass.

"Here."

He said moving his legs apart and patted the gap created. Placing the pitcher on the low table she made from an old packing crate that was strategically positioned away from the blankets and cushions to prevent spillage. She settled between his legs resting her hands on his legs. Her back and head resting against his bare chest, she moaned as long fingers ran through her hair unsnagging any tangles they came across.

"I love your hair."

He murmured sleepy from the heat.

"Why it's not straight and sleek yours can be when you bother."

It was true he took less care of his then he used to, it was always washed and brushed but it always ended up limp and lank the long ratty ends he refused to tidy up and the general length of his hair that fell well down his back did not help. It was nice hair though, much nicer than hers. It was she admitted one of her guilty pleasures to comb his hair not that Lucius minded.

"It's got character. You are never bored with your hair and it always needs a brush or fingers in a pinch."

She sighed at the small insistent kisses being planted down her neck. She almost groaned when his fingers left her hair and scalp and rested on her shoulders gently massaging her tense muscles. His lips returned to her neck harder than before his tongue licking and teeth grazing the soft skin, her own hands rubbed the tops of his thighs he moaned pulling his mouth away from her neck.

"It's hot."

She complained panting heavily her back resting against his chest fanning her on fire little body. He nodded agreeing somewhat reluctantly that the weather was putting a dampener on the evening so far. He sighed fanning his chest from the heat his trousers stuck to his legs from sweat.

"Poor Lucius."

She crooned.

"Poor Lucius."

He nodded in agreement. His placed his arms over her shoulders his hands slipping down and kneading her breasts through her bra exposed by her unbuttoned blouse. Hermione leant back and enjoyed his gentle fingers a small sound of contentment escaping both of them.

"Take your shirt off."

She said sleepily moving out from Lucius's legs to site next to him her arm draped around him her head against his shoulder. He bit his lip in hesitation his fingers moving to the shoulders of his shirt, he was torn but in the end much to Hermione's displeasure his sense of decorum prevented any more than an open shirt while sat in the garden. Feeling a bit awkward Hermione refilled her own half empty glass and poured a glass of ice cold drink for Lucius with a small smile aware of their little setback he accepted the icy concoction.

"Thank you."

"You're welcome."

She smiled her fingers idly dancing over his exposed chest.

"Hermione."

He mumbled a short while later.

"Hmm."

"I don't think I can stand back up and I have to answer a call of nature."

The simplicity of enjoying the day in the sun crashed down around Hermione as she realised that nothing for the two of them would ever be simple. At this moment upset that it had be ruined by circumstances beyond their control she was reminded somewhat harshly that Lucius was a very broken man. That her boyfriend needed to walk with a walking stick unless he wanted to give the ground a thorough inspection. She just smiled it was a pity smile it made her ashamed of herself to do that to Lucius but at the moment there was nothing else she could focus on. All she wanted was to spend a quiet romantic evening in the sun the sort of evenings she thought would be denied to her first because of her innate looks and character and the men it would attract and second because of the war. And her inability to switch off let go and put off all the horrific thoughts in her head.

"I'm sorry I'm decrepit and that I have to piss. I am sorry I ruined your evening. I could piss myself if it would make things better."

He said sadly shaking his head at the levels of how pathetic he truly was.

"It doesn't matter I can help you up and maybe we can relax inside I am just being Muggle I suppose to want to enjoy the weather and the feeling of being too hot. I can cast some cooling charms…"

"But it does matter. We live in a country that is always cool we never get weather at either the hot or cold extremes we all enjoy being too hot to being too cold. You want and deserve a Wizard who could sit sprawled on lovely cushions without having to worry that his knee will shatter if he rests too much weight on it. You deserve a Wizard who will sit you between his legs and get hard. You deserve and should have someone better than a decrepit old man."

He said interrupting her.

"No it doesn't matter. So what it's too hot out here and it is stopping us from enjoying each other. Go pee then go to bed. I want to see my beautiful Wizard and my first crop has been drying for a month now and I think it is time to test."

She said boldly deciding that romance is all well and good but if you have it all the time it makes the truly special moments seem somewhat less and if you have to work to make the moment special then it is not as special as you first thought. Lucius, a few cigarettes to relax and cooling charms seemed like heaven. How could she not want him?

He sat there mouth open in shock has he tried to talk between the spluttering and his memorised goodbye speech he was about to recite. She stood up stretched and offered her hand to Lucius who smiling a little awkwardly wrapped his fingers round her hand and the other hand he wrapped round the top of his walking stick. With a little effort on both their parts and a low groan of pain accompanied with the loud cracking and clicking of joints Lucius was on his feet and ready to limp slowly to the bathroom. Placing a hand at the small of his back and another on his arm Hermione steadied Lucius as they walked up the stairs to the bathroom. She closed the door behind him and relaxed against the hallway wall content with her Wizard and the cards her life had been dealt and the ones she picked up along the way. There was something nice about Lucius being so vulnerable it was not all one sided he was rather romantic or he tried to be and he did care. In fact he cared more about her wellbeing and happiness than almost anyone else she had ever met it was just a shame he thought the solution to her problems was for him to return to a life of loneliness and despair. She enjoyed the cuddles he gave, she enjoyed the way an arm would always wrap around her as they sat or the way his face lightened with joy when she would chose to stay after his latest attempt to push her away. He was her friend. He was her beloved.

~8~

The plates from dinner littered the floor, bottles fell down spilling the last few drops on the carpet, the bedroom window was wide open the cooling charms were cast and half smoked cigarettes were smouldering away in the transfigured ash trays on the bedside table. Hermione lay on her side a finger tracing the familiar lines of Lucius's body as he lay stretched out on his back his hands behind his head.

"That's good."

He said leering at her naked form.

"My fingers or my tits?"

She asked knowing what the answer was.

"Both."

They laughed hysterically.

"Legs better?"

"Much. Especially with you playing nurse."

"Good."

She said rubbing her nose against his. He giggled and tried to squirm away.

"You're not normal you know? All the other girls always want sex, money then more sex. But you're happy to play nurse, snuggle and give me Eskimo kisses."

"Good I would hate to be the same as everyone else. Besides everyone likes cuddles, kisses and generally being loved. No one likes being an adult well 'scept my parents. Hermione stop playing and read, Hermione do your homework. Hermione no creating a world of pure imagination."

She said the latent anger inside seeping into her words as she spilled her inner secrets while half drunk and half high.

"I like toys. My parents liked being all adult too. Lucius stop scrabbling around in the grounds like a common Muggle. Lucius put your dress robes on. Or my father's favourite Lucius stop being an inquisitive three year old, down half a shot of whiskey and play somewhere else. Then you go and tell your mother you feel funny because father gave you something burny and she gives you a full shot of gin so she can focus on her woman's magazine. You pass out twenty minutes later, you get shouted out for collapsing and fading in and out of consciousness. Then a clip 'round the ear but you just pass out. I got rushed to St Mungo's said I had alcohol poisoning, father lied and said I must of gotten into the cocktail cabinet. My tummy hurts."

"Poor baby."

"Tummy rub."

He demanded sounding like a spoiled child, she realised despite being slightly buzzed that the spoiling just made up for nearly killing him what she guessed was the first of many times. She slowly rubbed his stomach earning a grimace but Lucius seemed to still be content enough.

"Stop. Come sit on Lucy's lap."

He said sounding slightly out of it pulling a giggling Hermione to straddle his hips. His clumsy lips found hers after banging their foreheads together each being too eager to kiss.

"Glad I have no potion on me. Else your flower would be mine."

He murmured slurring his words slightly as he bucked his hips hands slipping and heavily palming her sides and breasts, her hands rubbing his chest as their lips tried to find each other but kept missing. Ending up kissing eyes, shoulders arms and at one point his chest.

~8~

It was a warm Friday in July and even the garden was almost unbearable hot, not that either cared much about the weather at this time of day. Not when they were buried deep in their thoughts allowing the at times the horrific and life stunting thoughts and memories a chance to swirl around the forefronts of their minds. All in an effort to reflect on everything to attempt to find some closure for the rest of the day in the hope that they may eventually be able to live and move on with the rest of their lives. They elected not to share the thoughts in their heads with the other today; as far as both were concerned there was no need to talk knowing that sometimes you had to suffer for your crimes.

Hermione got up to leave first although it was pleasant to see Lucius she did not want to sit for a further half an hour she had done her thinking and right now needed to be alone with the half and shadowy conclusions reached by her over stretched and over challenged mind.

"Please stay a little longer."

Lucius asked not looking at her face just knowing that she was ready to leave, they could both sense the smallest change in a person sitting or standing near them. A skill from darker times that never went away. Knowing that Lucius would not ask her to stay here trapped in her own unending cycle of terror, what ifs and what nows unless he had a reason. So she sat back down and waited for Lucius.

They were both silent as they walked down the path and out into busy London it was not a day for garden small talk. He turned towards her and held her hand gently in his willing her not to leave quite yet she knew there were words on the tip of his tongue that he had planned for today but his thoughts decided to ruin whatever happiness he wanted.

"Have you had lunch yet?"

He asked, she could see his features trying to feign disinterest but she knew he hoped the answer was well no. There was desperate hope for an answer in his features and he would not ask if he had no desire to have lunch with her.

"No I have not."

And it was true she normally ate after visiting the garden.

"Would you like to accompany me back to Manor for lunch?"

He asked politely raising her knuckles to his lips.

"Certainly."

He smirked not quite able to smile but needing to do something with his lips it was not a good or appropriate look but Hermione learnt to take what she could get. It made the smiles more special if they were rationed to very special, romantic or understanding moments. He produced a portkey from a pocket in his Muggle trousers it was too hot for robes this way he could undo buttons without disrobing. They both touched the old slightly rusted coke can with a finger and felt the familiar tug of travel. They appeared in the study not that she expected them to be anywhere else.

"If you would like to follow me."

He led her into the dark hallway still stained with splatters of food. They walked into what Hermione guessed was a lounge, the wall paper was typical of everywhere in the Manor, the furniture though was covered in heavy white sheets a layer of dust seemed to cover everything. Lucius seemed unaffected by the state of the room and lead her through the large French doors that opened up onto a terrace a pale stone wall running around it. A blanket and several large cushions were carefully laid out on the stone tiles a wicker picnic basket was sat on the blanket, a bottle of opened red wine was positioned carefully on the coffee table she knew normal sat in the study that had been moved outside.

"I ruined last week so I would like to make it up to you with a proper picnic this week."

Hermione couldn't help but smile it was the most romantic thing Lucius had done for her nodding her head she settled onto the blanket laying on her side amidst the large cushions. Slowly Lucius lowered himself down settling behind Hermione happy to have her in his arms. A crook of his finger and the picnic basket hovered just above the blanket and moved closer towards them. One arm lazily around her the other pulled a platter of sliced bread out of the basket followed by a wooden cheeseboard complete with a golden creamy brie running across the board and a large bunch of fat green grapes. His fingers held a firm grape and slowly twisted the fruit off bringing it to her lips. At the feel of the smooth grape skin against her lips she opened her mouth and allowed long fingers to push the fruit in the tips of his fingers grazing her bottom lip. She bit down enjoying the crisp and juicy fruit some of the juice running down the corner of her mouth, a long finger passed over her closed lips wiping of the juice. With a deliberate slowness Lucius licked and sucked his sticky juice covered finger.

His lips barely sticky from the juice kissed the pale smooth skin of her neck nibbling and grazing the tight skin he was rewarded a low moan of desire. Hermione was very aware of the hot heat building in the pit of her stomach and the moistness between her thighs. As Lucius pulled back his hot breath grazed the shell of her ear, she shivered from his low whisper.

"Delicious."

Slowly he scraped a silver cheese knife over the wooden board the thick runny brie coating the knife, turning the knife over to rest on the board careful not to lose the brie he leisurely plucked a piece of bread from the platter placed it on the board and spread the rich golden delight across. His fingers held the corners of the bread and offered it to Hermione his fingers never letting go as she took a small bite. He raised the remaining bread and cheese to his own thin lips eating the rest. Lucius lazily summoned the bottle of wine and the only wine glass, sitting up slightly he poured a glass Hermione sat up making it easier for them both to partake of the picnic. Never letting go of the glass he pressed the cold crystal against her lips, Hermione inhaled the rich, complex aroma of the wine her hand resting over Lucius's she took a small sip moaning as the deep rich wine hit her tongue.

The afternoon passed in a heady lazy daze as Lucius continued to spread the brie on the small pieces of bread content to feed them both the picnic. His fingers always just barely entering her mouth the luxury of his taste with every mouthful was almost too much, every little touch, every touch of his soft fingers to the base of her neck as he moved an errant curl increased the heat within her. Lunch finished and dripping with desire Hermione rolled over so Lucius lay on his back and she straddled his hips. Her quick still nimble fingers making short work of the buttons of his shirt revealing his chest her fingers rubbing and holding as she kissed him with pure hot desire. Her tongue dancing other his delicate lips his hands moving to cup around her arse he opened his mouth slightly her tongue snaking in. Passively Lucius let her tongue explore his mouth enjoying the taste of luxurious cheese and deep red wine on his tongue.

His hand dropped from her arse and slowly rubbed up her thigh covered by her soft light skirt, she moaned from the contact as his fingers worked their way up her leg and under her skirt. Gently a single finger pressed against her sodden knickers firmly pressing and rubbing her needy clit, she moaned removing her mouth from his.

"More."

She asked breathlessly grinding herself down against his strong finger slowly circling the wet fabric always keeping the delightful pressure. She threw her head back letting out a chorus of low moans and groans; he drew her in to another kiss increasing the speed of ministrations. With a gasp of "Lucius." She came undone on his knickers covered finger. She collapsed wrung out and pleasantly surprised against his chest. Lucius placed a soft kiss on her forehead and rolled the two of them on to their sides his arms never easing to let her move and inch. Listening to his racing heart beating against his chest and his frantic pants and gasps she fell quietly asleep. His fingers stroked her tangled curls as he slowly drifted off for a nap in the hot summer sun the memories of her virgin sex wet for him and the memory of her gasping his name in pleasure at the forefront of his mind.

~8~

The sun was low in the sky when the pair slowly woke up.

"Hi."

She said unsure of what the immediate future held for them.

"Hullo."

He purred, before she could react his lips claimed hers with a hot searing kiss, she could feel the hot need bubbling inside of her the memories of his finger as he brought her to orgasm causing her to grow wet with excitement.

"Why did it take so long to try that?"

She blurted out, not caring for anything but Lucius. Too tired and satisfied to over think anything.

"Because you were not ready."

He replied simply and it was the truth she knew even in her blissful state that until this afternoon nothing felt right but somehow the weather, the picnic, the previous ruined evening all added to and built the scene before them. Her thoughts were curtailed as he kissed her to distraction forever conscious of the wet need for Lucius between her legs.

"Shall we continue this upstairs?"

He whispered against her lips thankful for once for his impotence he was unsure if he could control himself otherwise. She nodded slowly, carefully wanting everything to be perfect and not caring for the pain in his body Lucius scooped Hermione up in his arms, his walking stick dangling over his arm he carried her bridal style to his bedroom no longer the dark pit of squalor it once was. Breathing heavily to fight of the intense pain burning inside his limps he delicately placed Hermione on the bed…

~8~

The empty bottle of the Wizarding equivalent to Viagra had fallen from the bedside table and smashed all over the bedroom floor imbedding in the stain ruined carpet not that either one cared. A little sore, sweaty and wrung out Hermione lay in Lucius's embrace the worn out blonde holding her tight his low whisper telling her just how much he loved her, telling her he could never leave his beautiful and sexy little witch. It was bliss with Lucius. His tongue the star of the evening she was far too nervous of the act itself to enjoy the small shocks of pleasure as his sex rubbed along her delicate dripping folds all the heat and want in her body going straight to her clit. She loved the unsteady rhythm from his bad hips and legs the odd rolling motion as he tried to move with as little pain as possible. The little clicks and cracks in the background from his over worked joints was so completely and uniquely them that it defied all convention and description. It was home, love, understanding and acceptance all rolled into one. She didn't care about the lack of orgasm from the main event; she just wanted to look forward to what the future was to bring for her and Lucius. The little whispered promises stopped, his breathing slowed as he fell asleep holding her tight in his arms, she shifted against him and relaxed letting her body drift into slumber neither one caring for the mess of his bed or the glass shards on the floor.


	10. Divine Punishment?

**Chapter Eight Divine Punishment?**

"What is wrong Lucius?"

Hermione asked seeing the first signs of distress and frustration seeping into him.

"I want for you to meet Draco but I cannot drop our relationship on him until I am certain about where we are going, but I cannot know where we are going without you first meeting Draco."

He sighed in frustration.

"I have met Draco before Lucius, and I can assure you he will not be an issue for me. I know you have a son I have known since before I met you, for your sake I promise to try and be friendly with Draco and not let the past overshadow and taint our present and future."

"He's changed Hermione; you would hardly recognise him now. I…I want to tell you everything but you would need to see him to fully understand."

"Is he… broken Lucius?"

She asked delicately trying her hardest not to offend him or Draco.

"Yes in ways that you and I could never imagine."

He left it at that and for a long minute so did Hermione. She could tell from the lines and frowns that deepened on his face when he thought or talked about Draco that whatever had happened was very serious and not something to enter to lightly. But she loved Lucius and knowing Draco would always be a part of their relationship she could not in good conscious escape that fact. She knew she would have to meet Draco and hope the two of them could leave the meeting still together lest they be stuck in relationship limbo for the rest of their lives.

~8~

It was a few days after their talk about Draco, despite being mid-August the weather was not has hot as it was in July it was a bit of a let-down really. Hermione and Lucius were reading quietly in Hermione's bedroom at her home she risked a glance at Lucius clad in a satin nightshirt his attention entirely focused on the old charm protected paperback in his hands. He was handsome in his nightshirts and Hermione decided he would not quite be himself without his old fashioned quirks, his nightshirts being one of them. She knew they had the advantage of being easy to wear but there was something quite nice about them that seemed to defy definition by any word in her vocabulary. They also had the advantage that she could borrow them to wear with the sleeves rolled up they were comfortable enough despite the fact on her the shirts fell to the floor. More than once she had got up in the night and tripped over the hem of the shirt, her feet getting tangled in the satin folds.

She tried to focus less on Lucius and his nightshirts and more on the book in front of her but tonight just as during the last few days she could shake Draco Malfoy from her thoughts. It was not that she harboured any real feelings for the boy but Lucius had confused her. For Lucius to talk about Draco as he did lead her to wonder just what was wrong with Draco. She knew they would have to meet and if she wanted their relationship to progress to something more which a large part of her did Draco would have to be told of their courtship but what she ready to take that step? Lucius she knew was waiting for her to meet Draco before he moved their courtship on, she knew and he knew when he used the term court he really meant that he wished to marry her should they prove compatible. Could she spend the rest of his life with him? Could she Hermione Granger marry Lucius Abraxas Malfoy? It was a big step, bigger than anything they had done before except perhaps their initial friendship. If they were to wed the final barrier would be broken. Would she take his name and accept all that he was? What would her friends think? What would her parents think of her marrying a man their age?

Her friends? Were Harry and Ron still friends with her? Granted that she had isolated herself from most people largely due to her attempts to deal with the thoughts and feelings in her head and partially because they were not in a war or at boarding school anymore. They had a place in this world, Harry as the chosen saviour, Ron as a son from an established Wizarding family now held in higher esteem than before. But she felt lost like she did not really belong, partially it was due to lack of knowledge and partially due to herself even if she could not admit to it from within the deepest depths of her thoughts. But here she had a place; she was part of a unit. She had found another who enjoyed reading perhaps not quite as much as she did and not the same types of books but it was enough. She found someone who felt and thought like she did. The most important aspect of Lucius as a prospective husband was that he wished to change. He was a being who like herself was unhappy with what they had become and wanted to and tried to change who they were. Whether it worked or not was for others to judge but it felt nice to live her life without the restraints she placed on herself and the restraints placed upon her by others.

"Lucius."

He made a noise of acknowledgement as he marked his place on the page with his thumb. He looked up from his Sneck adventure and turned to face her.

"I think I am ready to meet Draco."

He gave her a strange look a cross between happy, pained and pure terror.

"Are you sure? We can wait Hermione, there is no rush."

He asked seriously not quite able to believe what was happening to them and the time it had taken.

"If we don't try we will never know. Stuck in this world of a half relationship where we can never go forward nor is there any need or desire to end what we have."

She tried to explain her train of thought into something more palatable than a tirade of confusion and wondering over everything and yet nothing.

"We both know what will happen if you meet Draco and still want to be with me. I cannot help that I am at heart a domestic animal. A family man."

His said solemnly. Fitting for the seriousness that they had caused themselves by wanting something deeper and more than what they already had together. Not that it was unwelcomed really by either party.

"I know Lucius. I know."

She said.

He squeezed her hand tightly bring it up to his lips to kiss.

~8~

The following fortnight was tense for the two of them. Both wanting Hermione to meet with Draco and understand the man he had become but neither could find the words to say, neither had the courage to actually come out and assign a date. Their tempers were short with each other at one point they did indeed argue which was followed by many tears and promises of never again. In a way it was perhaps a learning experience for both it showed that they could as a couple weather tense situations. They were still no closer to Hermione meeting with Draco, the more days that passed the more the individual days dragged out neither able to bear the stress and the wavering in whether they should speak or not. It was Hermione who broke first.

They were sitting in the garden, their thoughts focused on nothing but Draco. Hermione took a deep breathe the nerves in her stomach eating away at her from the inside out. She really did not want to meet Draco she was not quite prepared to deal with the consequences of what the war did to Draco. However at the same time this tense lifeless limbo that she found herself stuck in with Lucius was not doing either of them any good. She glanced at her Wizard, head bowed down in thought examining every scuff and mark on his shoes in attempt to negate whatever horror was causing his body to tense in anticipation of fight or flight.

"How is it that I have not seen Draco or any sign of him when I visit the Manor?"

Her overwhelming curiosity of the Draco enigma overriding her sense of well she was not sure what made sense anymore.

"He visits his mother at the weekends, which is why I never invite you to visit during a weekday unless he is having an extended stay. As for your second question I tidy up after him ensuring you see nothing you did not already expect from myself and my home."

She didn't say anything in reply.

"Would you like to have to have tea with us this afternoon?"

He asked.

"Yes."

That one simple word caused their worlds to stop spinning for a moment as their axis were realigned to accept another part of their combined life together. They both turned away to focus on controlling the storm of raging emotions and feelings within their heads and hearts.

"We take tea at three O'clock."

With that Lucius left in a blur of black robes and long lank blonde hair.

~8~

Hermione stepped out the study fireplace, in front of her was a sight she was expecting and yet not expecting to see. Lucius was sat with Draco next to him on the settee the tea spread of cucumber sandwiches and little fairy cakes already on the table with a proper pot of tea steeping. Both men looked up Lucius greeted her with a nod while Draco just stared at her. She could see his eyes flickering as for a minute he seemed to recognise who she was yet it seemed to confuse him. He turned his body into Lucius's the way a child does when he is scared or wary of the stranger in his midst. Lucius drew his son close and whispered something in his ear; Draco nodded and earned himself a ruffle of his short blonde hair.

"Hermione please join us."

Smiling politely trying to make sense of the scene she sat in the empty settee to the side of the coffee table not feeling comfortable enough to sit with Lucius and Draco. Draco just looked at her. A few times he opened his mouth as if to speak then closed it again and focused on his shoes.

"Draco I would like you to meet Hermione Granger."

Lucius's voice was gentle adopting the soft tones one uses when talking to a small child. Draco nodded looked at her shyly and stuck his hand out for her to shake. Smiling in the slightly patronising way that people reserve for small children Hermione limply held Draco's hand that completely engulfed her own smaller one. She allowed the Wizard who she kept reminding herself was her age to shake her hand. Quickly Draco pulled his hand away and settled trying to hide against Lucius, obviously confused, wary or just shy about the situation.

"Draco do you remember when I told you that Hermione was my very close friend and that she may start spend a lot of time here with us?"

The younger Wizard nodded. Lucius pleased with the response he got picked up a small plate from the table and prepared a plate of sandwiches and cake. Carefully he presented the plate to Draco and again whispered into his son's ear. Nodding again Draco took his plate and left both Hermione and Lucius to take tea alone. The spectre of just what had happened to Draco looming over them both.

"What happened to Draco?"

Hermione asked, her voice shaky and unsteady as she tried to come to terms with and compartmentalise the behaviour of the very different, very shy Wizard that was just in front of her.

"I happened."

Lucius said grimly letting out a small sigh of frustrated discontent as he threw himself against the back of the settee and massaged the side of his head with his fingers. She said nothing, just watching as Lucius sat eyes and spirit downcast and focusing on the worn carpet in front of him. She didn't know what to say or how she should phrase anything she could think of that was even vaguely appropriate for the situation. She had never stopped to think and she meant really think about how broken those on the other side must be. Yes she pitied them and pitied the fact they all had to go to war and suffer so much for so very little but to actual put a face to their plight and one she knew so well was still rather haunting. She did not include Lucius in this as she saw him as solider first and a friend second and he was fine or as fine as he could possibly hope to be but this. This shambling tragic creature that called himself Draco Malfoy was something completely different, he looked fine after the room of requirement disaster but she knew appearances could be deceiving.

"His mother sent him to a healer once you know, once the war ended and just before she left permanently to reside in the Italian foothills. He said that this would be temporary, that Draco had as a method of coping gone back for lack of better terminology to something he knew he could rely on to comfort him and make things better. But I knew Hermione. I let the healer do his work and give Narcissa such false hope. I knew we were never getting our Draco back. I knew. I KNEW HE WOULD BE LIKE THIS FOR THE REST OF HIS LIFE AND DID NOTHING." She froze in fear of the anger and hatred in his voice.

I knew Hermione."

He whimpered softly, his eyes sliding over to the pictures of a happy school aged Draco, the Draco she knew that sat on the side board. The photograph's inhabitants all smiling or in Draco's case smirking happily and full of life. It tore her small, hard and yet so brittle heart apart.

"What did happen Lucius?"

She said softly trying to find a way to both comfort the poor Wizard and to get the answers she realised she was desperately seeking.

"The torture happened. It was all so gradual to begin with but then. Then when the snatchers got you and the elf helped you escape he was furious. He punished us all that day but Draco for lying most of all. He broke Hermione. Draco broke.

For years I had always wanted my little boy back. I wanted to go back to a time when Draco thought I could do anything and that I was the most important man in the world but now it's happened I realise how selfish that thought is and how little I want Draco to be confined as weak and as fragile as a child. In his mind he is no more than seven, eight at the most but deep down he knows Hermione. On his most lucid days he knows something is so wrong. But I can't explain it to him. I try but the words fall dead on my tongue I cannot tell him why he screams every night or why everything hurts and he has such terrible memories of deeds he doesn't understand and that hurts more than any torture. He was so innocent Hermione. He couldn't do it and the end of the day he couldn't do anything but it still wasn't enough he still saw and did too much and I broke him. I as good as killed him Hermione. And every time I look at him I am reminded that he isn't seven anymore he's a grown man and then when he opens his mouth or cries in fear I am reminded I am lucky to have him at all. That he could be a corpse in the cold dead ground or a shell locked up in St Mungos at best and Azkaban at worst."

Hermione sniffed and wiped away the hot silent tears that were falling down her cheeks, carefully and slowly she lowered herself to sit next to Lucius. She placed her hand over his and there was nothing more she could say or do, this was the grim reality of war. The reality of torture, the reality of your worst nightmares and most sought after fantasies come to life. Not everyone was a tired old solider with a few scars and lingering paranoia. Not everyone was as lucky as her and Lucius. She could not even begin to empathise with Lucius how could she? She was sad for him, for them both but there was nothing she could do except be there for Lucius and however hollow the gesture would be she could be there for Draco as well. He saved her or helped in his own way and at such great personal cost. Lucius gave everything he had for a cause he regretted every day, his punishment was one most cruel and subtle and there was nothing she could do to help. He destroyed his son and would live with such horror and self-loathing his entire life and yet perhaps for Draco this was a blessing. He was spared the worst, every deed and scream no more than a bad dream and an over active imagination. He had his Father and Lucius had his son. Not everyone could say the same.

~8~

It was Thursday a week after she met the new Draco, she was once again invited to afternoon tea it was less monolithic this time now she knew what to expect but she was unsure if she could…live…with Draco. But she wanted Lucius. To love Lucius was to accept Draco and well she was never good with people but children were still an unknown entity. She had never had much experience with children as young as Draco thought he was since she was well seven. She stepped out the fireplace dusting the soot she picked up while flooing off her robes the weather taking a turn for the colder and with Draco around Lucius would not be able to appreciate her better fitted Muggle clothes. Lucius was currently on the study floor lying on his side while Draco was sat cross legged a game that looked to simulate quidditch resting on the carpet between them. Complete with realistic looking players in correct home and away kits.

"Hello."

She greeted the men brightly slightly intrigued by the toy. Lucius looked up and mouthed to her that he would be finished in a minute. Draco had his tongue protruding slightly from his mouth and was biting on it a look of intense concentration on his features. She watched as each man frantically flicked the little players into the various balls attempting to score with chasers while avoiding the little bludgers randomly making a course around the pitch. Each Wizard flicked his little seeker after the small snitch floating around the enchanted toy quidditch pitch. She smiled Subbuteo was all the game was all be it enchanted, quidditch based and slightly more interesting. Oddly captivated by the quidditch game Hermione perched on the arm of the wingback chair nearby her height giving her an advantage over the two men unable to see every little nuance from their perspectives so low on the floor. Especially poor Lucius unable to cross his legs he had to lie down unless he wanted to regrow his knee. Not that it would fix his problem just cause him an uncomfortable night's sleep and still be arthritic come morning.

It was nice to watch Lucius be a father she knew he was not cold and heartless. Draco idolised him when they were both at Hogwarts that was plain to everyone despite how annoying his bragging was. A loud cheer went up from Draco as his little seeker caught the snitch the magical scoreboard ticked over revealing Draco to be the winner, Lucius let out an exaggerated but not entirely fake groan of defeat.

"Well done Draco! Now be a good boy and pack the quidditch set away and we will have tea with Hermione."

Draco smiled and with a minimum of fuss packed all the little players away in their correct team box, before placing the balls and the pitch into a third larger box. Gathering all three boxes up in his arms Draco left to put the game away leaving Hermione and Lucius for the brief moment completely alone.

"How about a kiss for the gallant loser?"

Lucius asked. Laughing Hermione bent down and pecked his lips and offered him her arm to help him up of the floor.

"Maybe the two of you could teach me to play sometime?"

She asked conversationally looking for an appropriate remark to prevent any awkward silences.

"It is as easy as it looks. The little blighter can flick far quicker than I can though. I think I'm a bit slow to play really but you might just be able to give Draco a good game."

He said and for the moment they both pretended that Draco really was seven instead of the twenty one year old Wizard they both knew he was.

They walked to the settee were the tea was already laid out; Hermione assumed Lucius brought it up from the kitchen before Draco wanted to play table quidditch. Draco returned and provided Hermione and Lucius with a blow by blow account of not just the game but exactly where Lucius went wrong. Having had practice of listening to things she had no desire to talk about Hermione nodded politely and gushed in the right places letting her mind wander. Lucius squeezed her hand reassuringly as she tried to accept the strange almost surreal day for the normality it would have to become for her.

"I know you."

Draco said to Hermione slowly. Screwing his features in thought.

"I went to school with you."

He answered slowly as the answer crept up on him. Hermione just nodded unsure of what to say and of just how much Draco remembered.

"I'm sorry Hermione."

Draco muttered sincerely but looking down at the floor and his swinging legs like all children not ready to accept that he was in the wrong. But Hermione and Lucius were both unsure as to what Draco was apologising for.

"For what Draco?"

Hermione queried carefully.

"You never called me Draco at school."

He muttered trailing off darkly.

"Do you mind if I call you Draco now?"

He thought quietly for a moment then shook his head brightly, his exuberance short lived as he seemed to remember why he was apologising in the first place.

"I wasn't very nice to you at school. Daddy says it's wrong to be nasty to people."

"I forgive you Draco."

Hermione said sadly shaking her head; Draco took this as her realising the seriousness of playground behaviour whereas for Hermione it was a reminder of just what had been lost and what little had been gained.

"Friends?"

Draco asked sticking his hand out to be shaken. Hermione nodded weakly and shook his large hand and for Draco all was well in his little universe. For Hermione and Lucius the day simply reminded them of what had been taken from everyone. For Lucius it was a reminder of exactly what he had destroyed, a reminder of the consequences of his behaviour. He could never atone for his crimes, his mistakes with something as simple as a hand shake, for the sake of both Hermione and Draco he really wished he could.

~8~

Friday. Yesterday seemed so far away with its game of table quiddtch and playground apologies all a harsh reminder of everything Hermione and Lucius wished they could escape. She felt the warmth of Lucius soft hand encase her own when he took his usual spot next to her, the memories of tea on the tips of their tongues.

"Thank you for yesterday."

Lucius said sincerely.

"That's fine."

She sighed in reply.

"I know how strange it is. One minute I had my adult son and the next he called me daddy and wanted to find all his old toys. I understand if it is all too much for you Hermione. It is too much for me some days."

She listened to his words. They had reached the crossroads of their relationship. Did she accept and try to live with Draco the child, knowing that for the rest of their lives Draco would be forever dependant on Lucius. Or did she accept that she could accept Lucius being a murderer, accept his attempts of genocide and accept that him having a mentally damaged son was just too much for them to cope with. She sighed her fingers working out the knots always present in her hair. Lucius was still the same person. Lucius did have his weekends free. Draco was always going to be a big part of their lives. She was ashamed that her next thought was that this way was better for her. This way she would never have to deal with Draco getting married and Lucius having grandchildren as old as his potential future children. That she would never have to be the awkward date when family functions were hosted and Draco's in laws and Lucius were required in the same room.

She felt disgusted that her only advantage was how much easier it really made hers and Lucius's relationship. But she did say to Lucius that nothing would ever come between them. She knew if it were one of the Weasley boys she would not hesitate to accept the situation. She would be full of support and yes sympathy for the family and it would not change her friendship with Ron. There was no difference with Lucius.

Could she give up love because there was an obstacle? Was she really going to quit because learning to be friends with and accepting the new damaged Draco as she accepted Lucius was too much? Was a mental illness really worse than accepting your lover was a murderer who once tried to if not kill you than at least harm you? She was tortured by his ex-sister in law in his home while he watched and did nothing. Yet she still loved Lucius, she lost her virginity willingly to Lucius in his bedroom at Malfoy Manor. The more she examined it the more she could not logically see any reason to break up what they had. Draco lied to try and save her and Harry. She could never escape that, because of them. Because of her Draco was like he was. She knew Draco was partially her problem. Her mistake. Maybe this was the divines way to try and fix what wayward men and women had broken?

"I will try Lucius. I know I must bear some of the responsibility for Draco, whether I meant to or not it does not matter. I am not afraid to admit I am nervous of dealing with Draco because. Because with you for whatever reason I am irrational, you are you and I am me but I love you. I love us. I know that for there to be a future I have to accept the present. Even if to my shame it seems harder to accept Draco then to accept you and all you have done."

She asked softly.

"The fact you are willing to try says more about you then you could ever imagine. But you won't be alone Hermione. Draco is my son and to tell you the truth some days I find it really difficult to accept and cope with what has happened to him. But we have each other and maybe that will be enough.

You know we have to try else we will forever be asking ourselves what if."

He replied trying to remain truthful with a hint of philosophical mussing they both knew their words were confused bordering perhaps on gibberish but they knew what the other meant and at this moment they needed that comfort.

~8~

They tried.

And it worked, she was never completely at ease with Draco but one late October afternoon when she flooed for her weekly Thursday tea with Lucius and Draco both men were asleep on the settee. Draco was cuddled against his father his head on Lucius's shoulder and her heart softened. Hermione knew that moment that she was home. She knew at that moment that her life was never going to be normal but it did not mean she could not enjoy it. All relationships had their big obstacles but as she poured herself a cup of tea and helped herself to one of Lucius's homemade fairy cakes she knew they were fine.


	11. Once More Into The Breach

**Well this is it the last proper chapter for In The Garden I hope it manages to tie everything together without seeming too bitty or out of keeping with the rest of the fic. There is a short epilogue to follow and then it is indeed the end.**

**~8~**

**Chapter Nine Once More Into The Breach**

"Uhh, I don't think I can be bothered to cook tonight."

Groaned Lucius from next to Hermione on the settee in his study. The room now a little cleaner after Hermione gave in to her itching wand hand and gave the whole place a deep clean.

"Do you want me to go?"

She asked diplomatically, unsure as to whether Lucius was hinting at wanting to be alone.

"No Hermione. I just don't want to go down to kitchen and reheat the stew. To tell the honest truth I do not really want stew for dinner."

He replied burying his nose into her bushy hair and enjoying her scent as he breathed deeply.

"I can floo home and run to the chip shop if you fancy chips instead?"

She suggested brightly not really wanting Lucius's stew for dinner either. It was not that he couldn't make stew it just never seemed to come out quite right it was either too watery or caught on the bottom. She was not really sure how he managed it considering his skill at potions and other more complex dishes.

"I cannot deny that chips for supper is a better thought then a bowl of stew and a hunk of bread and butter."

"So?"

"Impatient chit."

He scolded with a half-smile on his thin lips. They sat together a moment longer neither really wanting to leave the warm of each other nor the blankets covering their legs.

"I'll go and warm the stew. You are always fetching and carrying after me."

He said stifling a yawn a hint of dark truth in his words as he thought to how little he initiated or how little he looked after Hermione compared to what she did for him.

"I wouldn't offer if I wasn't willing. Besides I do what I do for you because I want to, where as you show your affection for me in different ways. The way you are always willing to listen to what I say even if you do not agree, or the way you always make time for me just like I know you do for Draco. And the icing on an already wondrous cake you always have an arm around me or a hand touching my knee and I like it. I like feeling wanted."

"You always know what to say."

He replied softly placing a long languid kiss to her lips the barest hint of tongue running across her lips.

"I will depart for now and return bearing chips."

She said eventually knowing that one of them was going to have to leave their warm cocoon of blankets on the settee the fire burning red hot in the fireplace. Thanks to the various charms the heat radiated throughout the whole study instead of being confined just to the area immediately in front of the fire. The resin seeping out of the cut logs cracking and spitting as the flames engulfed all logs and paper in the hearth. With a sleepy nod and a wave of his hand Lucius saw Hermione on her way through the floo network and back to her own home the smell of fish and chips already clinging to her senses. Picking up her wallet containing Muggle money and a quick change into something a little more Muggle she walked a spring in her step down the cracked grey pavements to the greasy chip shop in the centre of the small town she lived in.

She sighed the queue was out of the door and part way down the road, it seemed that everyone had decided against cooking and gone for a bag of chips as the easy option. Knowing there was nothing she could do but wait, Hermione joined the queue the smell causing her mouth to water. She missed fish. It was a simple thing but the more time she spent with Lucius the les she found herself eating meat or fish when all alone at her own home. She would never ask Lucius to cook meat nor would she return tonight with a piece of battered cod it just wasn't fair on him. Vegetarian. That is what she was now another change and one that defined her as different to the old Hermione; this was truly a new start. She had a different outlook on life, different friendships, a lover she would never have taken if she and indeed Lucius had not completely wanted to change who they were and embrace a more fundamental and truer part of themselves. And now apparently she did not eat anything that she would say was once truly alive, vegetables, fruit, honey and dairy only. The queue moved forward and so did her thoughts. She thought to the wonderfully sweet man waiting for her to return. It was still strange when she really thought about it to refer to Lucius Malfoy as sweet, but when they were together in their relationship unit as for lack of better terms boyfriend and girlfriend he was. He could be romantic, funny, charming and for Hermione the most important aspect of his personality was that he could love and care. She knew from his actions and his acceptance of the little mundane things that made up their daily lives he was a man with a great capacity to love. She just thought it was a shame that he neglected the compassionate side of himself for so long and that in the end at what could have been his final hour it was giving in to his love that saved him. However weak he may of have thought it was at the time.

She was in the chip shop now and with an airy dreamy voice she ordered two portions of chips her mind a million miles away trapped somewhere between her memories and Wiltshire. They were two different people now. They were a family now. All three of them. She thought fondly as she walked back to her small home and straight into the fireplace almost forgetting the pinch of needed floo powder.

~8~

They lay together in bed later that evening, Lucius wrapped in his emerald green silk dressing gown and Hermione clad in his deep blue silk dressing gown with the peacock embroidery. The greasy torn chip papers were thrown carelessly on to the floor around the bed. Everything was peaceful and all was well in the little overlapping universes of Hermione Granger and Lucius Malfoy. Or until a small gasp left Hermione her eyes growing large with pain a pleading look in her eyes as her muscle's started to spasm uncontrollably, she bit down on her bottom lip to keep from making a noise. Silently wishing and praying for the burning pain of a million white hot daggers stabbing and tearing at her flesh and nerves to stop, a few small whimpers escaped amidst her hard breaths.

Unable to do anything else Lucius moved his body closer to Hermione's small shaking frame, gently careful only to use the smallest amount of pressure weary of his weight against and on her frame he drew his poor witch into his arms. His large hands running down her arms and sides trying to soothe her poor muscles. Shaking his head at the tragedy unfolding silently in his arms he made small noises of comfort never letting up his attempts to massage and soothe her overworked and inflamed muscles. Slowly the trembling began to ease off and tired from the pain and the memories invoked Hermione faintly registered the familiar warmth and scent of Lucius engulf her. She nuzzled weakly against his chest and closed her heavy eyes not caring for anything beyond a soft warm bed and a cuddle.

"Sleep now my sweet."

He whispered not moving an inch just enjoying the feel of Hermione in arms and content that the knot of worry tightening in his chest could relax. She was fine. Her eyelids dropped and Hermione slipped easily into sleep.

When she awoke a little later she was aware of Lucius's soft crooning whisper tickling the shell of her ear. She strained her ear to try and make out words from the soft comforting tone.

"You're so pretty my love. I wish I could take all your pain away little one but I know I shall have to be content to be here and hold you when you do suffer. But nothing I could ever do could repay what you have done for me, you have brightened my bleak pain filled existence in a way I never really thought possible. I promise I will love you from now to end of time, I just wish I never squandered the chances I was given. I wish that day in the Manor never happened. I wish no one was ever tortured under this roof. But you know that. You know that however much I regret it I cannot change the past I shall forever have to live knowing what a truly vile creature I am. I just hope you are content to spend forever here with me. I do not think I could cope if you left me Hermione. I do not care anymore all I want is you. But if I tell you all this you will think me insincere or…or well I don't know. But I have changed, I am not me anymore. I like to think I am a better person. Having to fend for yourself changes a man's perspectives over what is truly important. Love is so important. Love means we never have to be alone again. And I love you Hermione. I love everything we have together. I love…I love eating chips in bed with you on a Friday night or sitting out on the terrace on a hot summer's night. I am not and will not ever be a romantic man but I am a man who wants to love and have romance. I am not a cold blooded snake. No man could be that cold and still have a family. I swear to the divines and Merlin that if you stay I will do everything in my power to give you everything you have ever wanted. I just want to continue waking up next to you and knowing you love me and want me."

"I love you too Lucius. I promise I won't leave you."

She whispered half asleep and half aware of every nuance in his whispered words of devotion.

"You heard?"

He whispered embarrassed by his own words.

"Not everything but most of it. Sleep now my dear."

She whispered quickly placing a soothing kiss on his troubled brow.

~8~

Her eye lids fluttered and slowly Hermione gave in to her body and allowed her eyes to full open. She smiled as she saw Lucius propped up on one elbow not caring that the tie on his dressing gown had come undone, watching her sleep. Not saying a word he brushed her loose curls away from her face delicately and deliberately taking his time slowly grazing the tip of his finger across the skin on her cheek and forehead, letting the soft hairs flow over his fingers. He smiled and tapped a single long elegant digit against his thin lips. With a shake he moved his right hand across the cotton sheets to cup her right hand gently, his fingers and thumb stroking the soft smooth skin. The hand slowly slipped down to gently hold her fingers in a fluid motion he brought their combined hands to his lips pressing a soft kiss on the back of her hand. Slowly he turned her hand over the tips of his smooth digits caressing her fingers. Gently he lowered his head pressing a single warm kiss to her palm.

"I love you Hermione."

His voice little more than a silky whisper. Carefully he entwined his long slender fingers with Hermione's gently and firmly clasping their right hands together, he lifted their hands to his lips. A long soft hot kiss pressed against their combined knuckles. Careful not to cause her pain he pulled the two of them up to sit on their knees, his left hand moving between them wandless and silently causing their silk dressing gowns to fall away on to the mattress. Leaning across careful to never break their bonded hands he placed a gentle lingering kiss on her lips the warmth of pleasure tingling both their bodies.

"I Lucius Abraxas Malfoy, son of Abraxas, Master of house Malfoy do promise myself to you Hermione Jean Granger from this moment to the end of time."

"I Hermione Jean Granger, daughter of Daniel, daughter of house Granger do promise myself to you Lucius Abraxas Malfoy from this moment to the end of time."

"On the honour of my family and my love, I Lucius Abraxas Malfoy do swear to marry and to cherish you on the day of the Winter Solstice."

"On the honour of my family and my love, I Hermione Jean Granger do swear to marry and to cherish you on the day of the Winter Solstice."

He leaned forward pressing his lips to hers sealing their betrothal with a single languid kiss.

~8~

Still giddy from the knowledge that she and Lucius were officially engaged with a date for the wedding set Hermione excused herself after a late breakfast on the Saturday desperate to share her news with the people that meant the most to her. She assumed Lucius was sharing the news his own way, only aside from Draco she was unsure who he had left to talk to. He had no friends and she was not sure he had any surviving family. Her heart almost broke that after everything he was still very much alone in the world with no one to turn to but himself. And now her. The thought did make her smile as she flicked through her small Filofax to check the phone number of her parents. She was thankful her parents listened to her reasoning and trusted her so completely to modify their memories and send them away to protect them aware that it could have been the last time they saw the daughter they loved and never be able to remember and cherish it.

Taking a deep breath unsure of the phrasing to use her fingers still tender from her attack the night before pushed the small plastic buttons on the phone and hoped her parents were having a quiet Saturday in. Her finger twirled the spiral cord of the receiver as she listened to her parent's phone ring desperately wishing for either parent to pick up. Eager to finally have good news to share that her very Muggle parents could fully understand. The phone on the other end clicked and her Mother's voice hit her ear.

"Hello?"

"Hello mum."

She said nervously unsure of how her mother would react to her agreeing to marry Lucius a man her parents had only met briefly once so many summers ago outside Flourish and Blots. A man both parents probably did not remember but maybe that would be for the best.

"Are you alright Hermione?"

"Yeah mum I'm fine." She took a deep breath. It was now or never. "I'm getting married."

She held the receiver at arm's length to attempt to diminish the squeal of joy coming from her mother.

"Oh Hermione I'm so happy for you. Is it that nice boy Harry?"

"Err no. Not exactly mum. He. He is a little well he is a lot older than me in your terms. Not so much in Wizarding terms. And you have never really met him."

Her mother was quiet for a minute she could almost hear the gears turning in her mother's mind as she mentally listed all the older Wizards she had heard of or met in passing.

"Surely you can put your old mum out of her misery and at least tell me his name darling."

"Lucius. My fiancé is Lucius Malfoy."

It was a great relief to get the burden of her chest now all she had to do was keep everything under control.

"Malfoy. Malfoy that name sounds almost familiar I can't for the life of me place it though."

"I went to school with his son. You know the little spoiled boy who called me such horrible names and always made fun of my friends."

"Ah yes. I remember now. And you say your fiancé is his father?"

"Yes. You…well you would have to meet Lucius to understand him and even then…"

Hermione trailed off unsure of how to explain everything Lucius had done and how his life had affected him and caused their eventual relationship.

"Has he forced you into doing anything you don't want to do?"

"What!"

She spluttered in shock of what her mother was suggesting.

"You cannot blame me for worrying Hermione this is all very sudden."

Her mother said sternly the worry clearly manifest. She could understand her mother's concern but at the same time it hurt that after everything she had been through and seen that her mother could not trust her judgement in men. The hurt was more acute after everything she had learned about Lucius and herself over the past year or so.

"It's not sudden Mother, but he is not your typical divorcee looking for a younger wife. I fact I believe he was not even looking for a friend let alone a wife, you… Just meet him mum and judge him then."

Hermione said not in the mood to spoil her day over an argument with her mother. The rest of the call continued with Hermione and her mother exchanging small talk, her mother discussing weddings and themes and eventually she did get to tell her father the good news. She was surprised at how well her parents were taking the news but maybe they just wanted to see her happy for a change. Although she knew parents and Lucius must meet she was not convinced that it would be smooth event or that they would like each other. She knew Lucius could be difficult around people he did not know, people he would feel threatened and insecure around he was likely to lash out the only way he knew how. Through sheer arrogance, cold aloofness and general condescension. Not that her mother and father would look on him favourably once they realise he is their age and that they have nothing in common.

~8~

Lucius moved slightly to try and alleviate the pain in his knee while still sitting as close to Hermione as humanly possible. She rubbed her head against his shoulder too tired to do anything else, her day of informing people had gone from the awkwardness of explaining Lucius to her mother to just plain disastrous when it came to Harry and Ron. Firstly they were hurt that she had not told trusted them enough to tell them she was in a relationship and while she could understand the hurt it was though none of their business if she was seeing anyone or not. Then well when she told them after making them promise to trust her and not fly of the handle after hearing the identity of her fiancé it was all downhill. A mixture of swearing, shouting suggestions of mental instability and then to her disgust suggesting she had been taken for a ride and everything her and Lucius had was a lie. They had the gall to suggest she had been taken in by flowery words that she had no idea of what Lucius had done and what he was capable off. That was what truly hurt. She knew Harry had to play hero but to suggest she was just a poor air headed little woman with no idea about big bad Wizards took the fucking biscuit. In a blur of hate and disgust that her friends could so casually insult her and the man she loved she informed them in no uncertain terms that she knew Lucius to be a murderer. That shocked them into silence then told her once best friends that if they attempted to meddle in her life without her permission she would not hesitate to bring the full weight all the law down on them.

Lucius moved his arm kissing her cheek clumsily from sleep. Her fingers gently stroked his hair content to remain perfectly still on the settee instead of moving on up to the more comfortable bed.

"Bedtime."

He slurred sleepily and nodding Hermione stretched and stood up walking down the darkened hallways along the familiar and by now normal and mundane path to his bedroom. Worn out by everything that had happened and the emotional fallout of explaining themselves to their loved ones they slipped on their nightclothes and slid into bed without saying a word. The morning light came far quicker than either was ready for but on seeing the sleep dishevelled appearance of the other the sleepy dust still in their eyes they smiled.

"We are getting married in six weeks."

She said dimly.

"I know. I wasn't sure you would complete the hand fasting promise."

He admitted sheepishly.

"I have a plan for the wedding if you are amenable to hearing it."

He added politely.

"I imagined that was the case."

She said waiting for Lucius to continue.

"I want for us on the morning of the solstice to go to the registry department at the Ministry to be legally married, no guests just the bare minimum for it to be legal. Then I want to marry you properly."

Hermione nodded at his words she never cared much for weddings and Lucius had obviously put a lot of thought into planning theirs so she would let him have this. She knew how much he wanted to show he cared and just how much he wanted her by his side. Not that she minded.

"Breakfast?"

She asked a little while later once their words had sunk in and they had drifted back to a peaceful half sleep their aching bodies curled around each other. Lucius nodded his eyes half closed a small twitch of happiness on his lips. She placed a hand on his night shirt clad shoulder and gently shook Lucius reminding him that today was not breakfast in bed. A look of mild frustration at being denied a nap flittered briefly across his features, Hermione getting out of bed her night dress rising up the back of her legs rewarding him with a glimpse of thigh and backside more than made up for his rude awakening.

"Mmm."

She moaned his arms resting over her shoulders and his lips on the side of her neck.

"Dressing gown?"

He asked breaking away from her delightful body fanning the flames just enough to entice and promise of more to come later.

~8~

Lucius walked carefully into the garden he smiled weakly on seeing Hermione had already arrived; in ever changing and tumultuous times something's did not change. Hermione saw her fiancé and smiled. Fiancé. It was still strange to hear herself say it but in just a year her life had completely changed for the better. She hoped Lucius had gained the same happiness that she had. The man of her thoughts lowered himself next to her; at the close distance she could see the red rings around his eyes and the puffiness of his features. He had been crying. She was about to open her mouth but she promptly closed it again she did not know what to say and somehow it seemed wrong to invade his most intimate of thoughts.

"I'm getting married."

He said slowly to himself.

"The future of my family is in my hands and I do not want to destroy the one constant I have left. The one thing I cherished and held above everything else but I see it Hermione. I see my family as it sits our feet dangling over the cliff face as our time slowly ticks away. I will outlive Draco Hermione. I will watch as the grandest jewel in my crown fades away and I bury him along with the memories of my family our legacy crumbled into dust to be remembered by no man.

I can save my family, I cannot redeem or restore our honour but I can ensure its survival. It is you Hermione. You are the saviour to house Malfoy and me the servant to your whims. If I fail at this marriage then my family plunges from the cliffs onto the sharpened knives of our enemies waiting for us below. And I would have failed. I would have to live knowing the destruction of my family was caused by own hand.

I want us to be happy Hermione. I want to see my family flourish but I'm so scared. So scared that I will lose you by my actions. So scared that this time will not be different. That I will make the same mistakes all over again and in silent fury sit as the time ticks away to our doom. This is my last chance. I have had so many chances that I ruined and wasted and I'm almost too scared to take this chance for fear of ruining everything I want and everything both you and I have worked so hard to achieve. "

He said quietly his tears beginning to trickle down his cheeks as he told her his greatest fears and his predictions of the future.

"We will manage to work out our marriage Lucius. So long as you are true to your commitment everything will slot neatly into place. You will fix your family and your ancestors will be so proud of you."

She said holding his hand in comfort. She would be lying if she said she wasn't nervous. But she also knew what Lucius was asking her and she knew that there would be many future discussions before they came to an answer. At this moment though so long as Lucius would have her, she would give him children. She knew he would not make the same mistakes again.

"Yet I know I am asking too much of you."

He said the dark sadness lacing his every word.

"Every family deserves the chance for redemption Lucius and if I want children I cannot think of a better man than the one I love and marry to father them."

"I think on some days we are far more than either of us really deserves."

He replied sagely her kind words a balm to his empty soul. And she nodded some days were bad and some days were good but in the end they were just days. They were given one chance at life in this realm and so for the memories of the deeds committed they could not waste the chance of the future they had been given.

"We cannot waste the chance of the future we have been given. As when we are older and all alone thinking back on everything we have done we would regret not taking the chance. We would come to regret not trying to have a life together. We are not insulting those we have wronged for our punishment will also be delivered and we will weather whatever is thrown at us and still survive."

Lucius smiled at Hermione's words and kissed her chastely. All their anger all their fear for that one moment just seemed to ebb away as they looked to the bright future on their horizon.

~8~

"Please don't. I'm too sore for love I just want to look and feel you next to me."

Lucius said gritting his teeth from the pain in his body.

"That's fine I like looking at you too."

Hermione said her hand gently rubbing circles on his chest.

"I like looking at you naked, because it's for me. You feel I am attractive enough, good enough to see you. That you want to see me naked despite everything I was and am, you love and sleep with me. You gave yourself to me, you gave me the last of your innocence and I have never received such a valuable gift before. I'm rambling again but I do not care your beautiful, naked and mine."

"I like seeing you naked too. You are so very beautiful Lucius. Everything about your body the hard lines, your softening middle and even your prick is perfect and beautiful in its own way."

"Even though I can't get it up? Even though I am so broken that I spend most of my life sat on my arse or laying on my back?"

"I don't mind Lucius I really don't. Nature made you like this and there is nothing wrong in that. I love my knackered Wizard, my dark philosopher and my drinking buddy."

"You are very much the light to my eternal darkness."

He whispered.

"And as wicked as you are Lucius your beautiful to me you may be the darkest burning star but there is no one else I would rather have. You are the stars to my moon and darkness to my night."

"Till the morrow my love."

He whispered.

And they slept.

~8~

The garden was a balm for their heavy thoughts and a place to be honest and speak their minds regardless of what their relationship was to each other. Hermione was sat waiting for Lucius to arrive the more time they spent together the harder it was for Hermione to return to her solitary life in her home. Away from the bustle and noise of an active family and the sea of socks screwed up all over the floors of every room or lurking away in dark forgotten corners.

"You have never really been happy have you?"

She asked a cross between a statement and a question she knew the answer but however personal the answer was she wanted to hear it from his own lips.

"I have had precious little to be happy about."

He was not sad just resigned which to Hermione was worse than him crying tears and his body heaving with sobs as he wanted to escape his memories and deeds.

"What did make you happy?"

She asked the questioning and probing nature of what the garden was to them out weighing what she knew was emotionally and intellectually acceptable.

"Nothing I quickly grew up and saw how fleeting and hollow my life really was. To try and be the great man my father wanted and to be the man I thought I was, I sold myself into slavery to become the pet murderer of a tyrannical madman. I once thought that the cut and quality of a man's robes was the be all and end all of life but the type of person that thinking attracts are not people you want to be happy with.

To be happy I was taught was to be miserable. That our cold superiority and our immeasurable wealth was what made us great. Taught that we were at the pinnacle of life and we were the happiest people in the world. Which is why both my parents were alcoholics. Which is why every fucking day was pure misery that anything fun or interesting was so beneath us it was not worth considering. You see the Weasley's with not a Knut to their name and they have something you can never find, that they are happy. Fathers respect and love their children and they are loved in returned. And what is worse it that they don't care about your wealth. The very people you are this way to impress and subdue never bat an eyelid or if they do it is only a tut of sympathy.

They think you are so pathetic.

They think you can never be more than the sum of your breeding and it's true. It is all true.

Even you have transcended the hand you were dealt far better than I ever did or could. That in all other families the next generation is better than the last but for mine we slip down an alcohol coated hill praying for the day to end or for us to pass out to avoid the crippling pain. A brief fling with a mistress if you had the wealth, the body, the dick and the right words to try and find some semblance of love and human feeling.

I know I drink too much. You are not supposed to have a brandy after lunch and dinner, a gin and tonic sometime in the afternoon after tea and several large glasses of red wine in the evening. I don't want to die Hermione. I want to stay alive I want to live with you but everything is just so hard. Everything is always hard for me except the one thing that should be instead it hangs flaccid never interested in even the sexiest of things. I've seen you sweaty and naked, satisfied and calling out my name in your sleep, I have seen you in the bath and nothing. But that is the very definition of me. Small, insignificant and worthless. I lost everything and it still wasn't enough! I am an emperor without an empire I ask my family to respect me but how can they when I cannot respect myself? I lost everything we ever had. A few knuts tucked away for safe keeping and a Manor full of trinkets is all that remains of the Malfoy family. And me."

He reeled off as if reciting dry facts by rote.

"What happened to destroy your empire Lucius?"

She asked the pity lacing her words not that either cared by this point.

"Fines. A gesture of enforced goodwill to show that everyone gets their just rewards. Oh they would never send us to Azkaban not with our money and the damage he who was a bastard wrecked across the country regardless of you and your little friends. No to show punishment and to line their own greedy pockets they took everything in the Gringott's vault as a fine to ensure our freedom. Save for Narcissa's trust vault that was hers only for it is a dire crime to insult the wish of a dead man and what little we hid away over the years for an emergency.

Men will do almost anything for gold and jewels and waste away seeking the next shiny trinket while leaving behind and losing the one true treasure they had."

As his words reached her ears Hermione knew what she had always suspected that Lucius suffered from depression for most of his life. She could never change his past the only option she had was to consider whether it would be better or worse to addict him to anti-depressants as well as alcohol and soft drugs. She couldn't do that to him, the one thing that kept him sane was his ability to hate himself and his self-flagellation over everything he chose to do. It was not her place. Her place was to love him and be there for him when he needed her and make sure the more destructive of his impulses were controlled.

"The harshest lesson to learn is the truth. The most bitter potion to swallow is to accept the happiness and the chances given no matter how hard it maybe to find something to smile about."

She said pulling him close and just letting Lucius think never asking anything but for him to accept who he was and who he wanted to be.

~8~

Twelve days, they were getting married in twelve days. It could have been worse Hermione kept reminding herself as she listened to Lucius snore softly next to her in bed though just how much worse her day could have realistically been Hermione was unsure of. Foolishly she chided herself she had decided that it was time to take the hex and that Lucius and her parents should meet. She could not in good conscience get married without him meeting her parents not that their opinion would of deterred her from marriage it was more a courtesy to try and include the parents she loved so much even though her life was slowly forcing them apart. It was not their fault she tried to remind herself as the pain and embarrassment seemed reluctant to leave her. As she predicted parents and Lucius did not take to each other. For simplicity Hermione decided that the meeting should take place at her home, it all went downhill after her parent's car parked in the small driveway really.

Her mother and father took one look at Lucius dressed in his formal Muggle finery and denounced him inappropriate. She knew his long hair ratty, lank and limp did not help matters nor did his obvious age or the walking stick resting against the arm of the settee his dodgy leg elevated on a small foot stool. Trying very hard to defuse the thick suffocating tension she had excused herself to the kitchen to prepare a pot of tea and fetch the spread of sandwiches, biscuits and cake she had prepared the night before. Lucius's insistence on helping and standing up all evening making sandwiches and cake had taken its toll and resulted in his need to rest his leg. Her mother firmly informed her she was going to help knowing that resistance was futile and that she should have predicted that parental meddling was unavoidable Hermione meekly followed her mother to her kitchen leaving the men folk all alone. She just prayed to anything that was watching the little scene that Lucius would not use his stare it was quite unnerving when he stared especially as when he did you could believe the worst of him not that he was that man anymore but still…

As she busied herself with the tea pot and real tea leaves on Lucius insistence and the milk her mother wasted no time informing her that Lucius was an old creep who was taking advantage of her. Nodding politely Hermione just focused on making tea without breaking anything. Feeling calm enough when removing the plate of cling filmed sandwiches from the fridge she tried to rebuke her mother saying that quite frankly she was a grown woman but that maybe she should talk to Lucius before judging him on appearances.

Unresolved anger in the air the mother daughter pair re-entered the front room where the men were content with having a Mexican stand-off neither blinking or doing anything. Her mother controlled tea asking rather pointed questions about Lucius's traumatic past they were less than impressed with the truthful if sugar coated answers that Lucius gave. Her parents faces fell when it was revealed that Lucius was not only an ex-convict but a terrorist for the forces of Lord Voldemort he who lived to be a massive pain in every one's arse. Her father's only question was the final nail in the coffin really for the day. On asking what Lucius did for a living Lucius revealed the truth that he was unemployable, heavily disabled in terms of mobility and lived of the interest from a small off shore account. There was screaming and shouting from everyone. Lucius announced the only reason he was here was from respect for Hermione nothing to do with caring or needing her parent's opinion of him or their relationship. Her mother called him a disgusting letch and stormed out dragging her slightly dazed and confused father behind by the top of his arm.

It could have been worse though. If say the roof fell in or someone had a heart attack. In other words not much worse.

~8~

"In this very spot we once told each other that nothing changes. But I am afraid that I must have lied that day for here now everything changes. We survived Lucius; we made it through the darkness and found our light.

You saved me from myself but now I know that today is my last day here. I no longer need the garden."

Hermione said melancholy in her voice.

"We have saved each other and found our own salvation. Nothing has gone away but with three days to go until our wedding and last year seeming so very far away I must agree that it is time for us to leave for the last time."

He said and offered Hermione his arm and led her as his equal and his love out of the garden for the last time.

~8~

"We are married."

Lucius said in awe as they stood on opposite sides of the familiar bed in Lucius's bedroom. Neither ready to make a move the day seeming so surreal both sure it must be some fevered dream if it were not for the knowledge that their dreams could never be as wonderful as this. For Hermione it was perfect and the sign she needed to accepted that her life started anew today. Today she was no longer Hermione Granger that now she was going to be whoever she wanted to be.

"Come my sweet join me, become my queen Hermione."

Lucius purred from the bed already striped and propped up with pillows against the head board while she was wool gathering.

Careful fingers swiftly danced over the front of her robes and tugged the buttons undone, one by one showing a tantalising glimpse of pale rounding flesh as she worked slowly from the bottom up. The final button done the heavy dark robes she wore fluttered open showing off her black lace undergarments the desire rolling off Lucius as his eyes slowly moved over her body and licked his lips with anticipation sending a jolt to her core the wetness already pooling between her thighs. Conscious of her desire she slowly stepped out of the robes the fabric falling with a soft noise to the floor. Trembling fingers danced across her tight straining breasts to the back of her bra slowly fiddling with the strap drawing out the moment the deep hot wet desire building as Lucius just watched eyes wide a flash of tongue wetting his thin lips. Her eyes never leaving the cool grey of Lucius's she gently pushed her fingers into the waistband of her knickers and slowly worked them down over her legs to the floor little sounds of pleasure escaping Lucius as he watched transfixed by the erotic sight before him.

Both breathing heavily she made her way up onto the bed and settled between the outstretched legs of Lucius her back against his chest heaving from deep breathes of needy desires.

"Beautiful. Please sit, sip my wine and become my winter queen."

His voice little more than a whisper the warm breath tickling against her ear. She felt her body warm with a blush as a large golden goblet filled with rich red wine was pressed gently into her hands. Nervous she raised the goblet to her lips and partook of the wine within passing the goblet to Lucius's out stretched hand. He raised the wine to his own lips careful to drink exactly where Hermione's lips touched first his other hand drifting down to knead her bare breast. A low gasp of pleasure plucked from her lips as a single finger grazed her nipple. She closed her eyes and allowed her head to fall back against his gently rising chest as the goblet was pushed against her lips another mouthful of decadent wine coating her mouth.

Frustration built within her as Lucius pushed her head from his chest. It eased as long fingers worked out the snags and tangles of her hair, slowly easing and enjoying the feel and flow of the bushy locks. A crook of finger and a small piece's of evergreen plants levitated up on to the bed. Every piece slowly woven into her hair, she could feel as his arousal rubbed the small of her back slowly she let her body go. Surrendering to the erotic bliss of Lucius's fingers and the smell of resin as the little pieces of plant were woven in. Twisting larger supple hazel sticks Lucius made a small circle just enough to sit on top Hermione's head still holding the frame his long fingers worked twisting and wrapping more holly and pine around the hazel creating a beautiful winter wreath complete with bright red berries.

"It is done my queen."

He whispered, moving to stretch across the bed lifting Hermione so she could straddle his lap and he could admire his work.

"You are so beautiful. A wreath of ever greens to crown my beauty. I will never serve another but you my queen."

He whispered running a delicate finger down her cheek, every line and imperfection familiar to him. She leant forward and kissed Lucius their tongues slowly searching and seeking the other content for their kiss to last. Their hands following the contours of the one they loved and knew so well.

"Make me yours Hermione. Make it so I am the king to your queen."

And she did, so slow taking every little part of him, drawing every groan and gasp of pleasure out of him knowing with every movement, every rise and fall he was hers.


	12. Epilogue A Picture Of Family

**Not 100% happy with this but I felt some nice warm fluff was needed.**

**~8~**

**Epilogue A Picture Of Family**

Her hand fondly on Lucius's arm the pair slowly walked down from their bedroom to the study a little crowded these days from their growing family but it was still home. Their non-identical twin sons Hyperion and Scorpius may have made small apartments from the empty space in the largely unused Manor but they always came to dinner. Despite being thirty four and in Hyperion's case with a grown son of his own they still wanted bedtime cuddles with their father and Lucius always indulged them. Gently Lucius's aging hand pushed open the door to study, despite a few more lines and his hair more white then blonde nothing had really changed about him. Her own hair still brown and her face more lined than it used to be she was still Hermione Granger and he still Lucius Malfoy. They walked in and smiled at the scene before them. Crowded on the mish mash of settees and a wing back chair in between the branches of the large Christmas tree stood in the corner was their family sitting and screaming in surprise a lop sided banner hanging up on the wall all to celebrate their thirty fifth anniversary. Aside from the sheer number of Malfoy's nothing in the study after all their years together had changed the desk was still against the wall covered in a thin layer of dust the seating still arranged as per need and the carpet had seen better days but it was home. Hermione was sure she could see a black sock peeking out from under Lucius's chair.

"Thank you."

Lucius said truly touched and forever amazed at his family and the love they showed him every day. Smiling unsure of what to say the two lowered themselves into their favourite settee the one positioned closest to the fire. There was a pop of a champagne cork as Scorpius did the honours a flute of sparkling champagne was soon thrust into everyone's hands.

"To mum and dad."

Called out Hyperion raising his flute in a toast to his parents; the rest of the family quickly following suit.

"Hyperion and I would just like to say a few words."

Scorpius added pulling his shorter rounder twin up by the shoulder and walking them both to stand in front of the small crowd of eight. The Elderly Drs Granger along with wives and fiancés also invited to help celebrate and share the joy that Lucius and Hermione had found in each other.

"Congratulations on making this far and we just want to say that you two are our inspiration and with every day that passes Penelope and I wish we could be more like the two of you. When I was younger and all the children at Hogwarts made fun of me for being short, fat and a Malfoy you always knew what words to say to make everything better you always made time for me. When I came home that January weekend and informed you that I had married Penelope and we were dropping out of school with only my arithmancy NEWT I took the summer before between us to start a family neither one of you shouted or cursed at us. Instead you listened to our plans and supported the two us both in our commitment to each other and when I was starting to get the athrimancy contracts and starting Malfoy and Malfoy. Every time when it got too much with little Orpheus you were both there to help us out whether it was to babysit or with constructive criticism. But you never once criticised us for starting a family so young.

I just wanted to say not just happy anniversary but to tell you both just how much you mean to me and how important you are to the family and how we could not wish for a better Patriarch and Matriarch."

Hyperion said proudly, Hermione dabbed her damp eyes with Lucius's handkerchief she discretly liberated from his robe's pocket as she listened to her little boy tell them just how much they meant to them. She never cared for anniversaries she knew Lucius loved her and she him but it was so sweet of the boys pulling everyone together to celebrate and what made her day was learning just how much they meant to their wonderful family.

"Mum, dad when I was little and you were teaching me and hype our letters and numbers and it became clear that Hype inherited the brains everyone else but you two and Hype made me feel bad about being thick. But you always encouraged me no matter how remote my chances and when I wanted to publish the little adventure stories I started writing to amuse Hype when we were all alone because until Penelope no one wanted to be our friend you did everything to help. I wouldn't have anything if it wasn't for you mum suggesting I use the pen name Antonius Scorpio to get my stories in Wizarding Adventures and Crime Capers magazines.

And dad when I told you about my crush on Clarissa you stood behind me even when everyone except family thought I was a dirty letch for wanting to court Orpheus's school friend. It meant so much to have someone in my corner and thank you for all your advice, now we are engaged and I hope when we get married we have a marriage half as good as yours."

Scorpius said rubbing the back of his head messing up his neat long brown hair a stark contrast to Hyperion's blonde. Hermione was in tears her head buried deep in Lucius's chest as he rubbed her back in a gesture of comfort.

"To mum and dad for showing us that no matter how bleak your past, how difficult anything may seem you always have a family and a bright future to look forward to."

Penelope called from her seat raising her glass for another toast to her parents in law.

Everyone stood and once again congratulations were shared, Hermione's mother crying in her husband's arms as she could hardly believe her little girl had been married for thirty five years all to the arrogant Wizard they still couldn't stand.

"Thank you my children you have made an old Wizard so very happy, we had no idea how much we meant to you and just how much you respect us for what we have done. But every marriage is a partnership and if it were not for Hermione I would still be alone in darkness. I would have nothing and live each day trying to make it my last, I was saved from the darkness by every one of you sat here in this room. From my dear sons to the grandson I thought I would never have and the wonderful women who accepted me into their lives as their father in law and son in law.

Hermione you are my beautiful queen, massager of aching joints and roller of cigarettes. I love you so much."

Lucius said almost overwhelmed by the joy and love surrounding him. The real him, the Lucius Malfoy who gave the whole family such happy memories. The sons who rebuilt their broken family and the Witch who never left his side and when the going got tough she stayed with him, listened to him and most of all loved him. He had failed at many things in his life but not this marriage. He had all the treasure that he needed.

"I love you too Lucius."

They kissed each other deeply not caring for the crowded study only for each other. They broke apart smiling fondly at each other not caring for anyone save themselves.

"Family picture."

Someone called out with a groan the family save the Dr Grangers all descended on the settee closest to the fire. Draco and Scorpius being the tallest stood behind the settee in the middle looming over the back of the settee, Hyperion took his place next to his twin standing behind the lower end of the settee. Orpheus stood next to his uncle Draco while Penelope and Clarissa perched on the ends of the settee one next to Hermione and the other next to Lucius. Daniel Granger lined up the shot with the old fashioned Wizarding camera and with a bright flash from the bulb the moment was documented forever.

~8~

The next day Hermione and Lucius visited the garden and placed a wreath of poppies on the memorial description it may have been December instead of November but it didn't matter. And then they walked away content that the fallen knew they had not died in vain. That change really could happen even if it was just one couple in the middle of a memorial garden in London.

**~Fin~**

**Final thoughts**

**Writing this I can hardly believe that In The Garden is over. It may not be the first work I posted or the first work I finished but it was the first piece I started to write and four versions later it is finished. It is a strange thought to know that I will never write another word to this story save perhaps for a one shot set in the same universe if inspiration strikes. I really hope everyone who read enjoyed this and even if you did not I thank you for reading anyway.**


End file.
